To start, I'm 17 years old. I like to think that I'm more mature that most of my peers, but I'm starting to doubt that more and more each day....here goes nothing.
I feel alone. No matter what I do, where I go, or who I'm with, I feel alone. I have friends (if you could call them that), two parents, and an older sister. Still, I feel like I have no one I can really talk to, no one who can actually listen. That's what I need right now, and that's why I'm here, on this site. I'd like to start therapy, but that would require the use of health insurance, which of course means I'd need to talk with my parents about these feelings, and as I've said, that's something that just isn't going to happen.
I feel trapped. I'm stuck in this town with people I don't like, I feel forced to do things I don't enjoy, and I just want to leave. I'm told this is a normal way to feel for someone my age, but that doesn't take away from the fact that it's killing me by being cooped up here. I just want to leave and go to college, leave behind this town and everyone in it, including who I am now.
On the topic of college, I'd like to go to someplace in Washington D.C., which is about eight hours from here. People ask me why I want to go so far away and I tell them it's because I want to major in Poly Sci, but really it's just to get away. Far, FAR away.
As I'm sure you've guessed by now, what I want most is independence. I want to be on my own, with no one to tell my what to do or how to do it. That's one thing that my dad does that always makes me feel inadequate and like I can't do anything on my own: he tells me how to do EVERYTHING. Whenever I try to reassure him that I can handle things on my own, he just gets mad at me for "talking back" and "inferring meaning" from what he "actually says". Honestly, HE is the main reason I want to get away. I want to get away from him and the way that he makes me feel like such a child. It hurts my pride, and like I've already said, makes me feel inadequate in so many ways. My confidence has dropped so low, but no one knows because I've put up a bullet-proof facade of optimism and self-assurance.
This is the point where I REALLY start to confuse myself, so stick with me. I think all of this is making me depressed. "Think" being a key term there. When I think about it though, I really shouldn't be depressed, and I wonder if I just want to feel this way so that I can feel bad for myself and wallow in self-pity. The thought of this disgusts me, and the knowledge that it might be true and that I have no way of actually knowing for sure disgusts and depresses me even more. There's a cycle here that you might be starting to see, and I have no way of getting myself out of it.
Sometimes I think about suicide, but I'm not going to act on it, I know that much. I have a long past of not acting on my emotions, and they just all build up inside me, with no way to vent them. That's probably why this post is so long, because I've never actually tried to get all of this out before. Right now I'm feeling like a volcano about to blow, so I figured it would be a good idea to try and relieve some of that pressure.
Anyway, I'm starting to lose my focus, maybe I'll come back here, read some comments, and post a little more. If not though, thank you, random internet strangers, for being the only ones I can talk to. Much appreciated.