Seriously my last resort....

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Lolarose
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Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 7/10/2011 4:03 PM (GMT -6)   
I genuinley believe this is my last resort.
Maybe people come on here as they know how it feels.
Or maybe good at helping.

I'm slightly beyond "talking"

Infact. I'm all the worse for it. It's hard.

What do u do when ur that fed up u genuinley feel like
Your torturing yourself by just being here?!
I feel a lot like Im punishing myself by keep myself around
And it's because I am never happy. I havnt been since I was
11.

I'm now 23. And enoughs enough. Doctors, prescription drugs....
I've tried the lot. So where do I go from here?

This is my last resort. Relying on a total stranger to give me some kind
Of glimmer of hope.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42436
   Posted 7/10/2011 5:17 PM (GMT -6)   
You are cared about here. The forum has been kind of slow lately though. It sounds like you are having a really tough time right now. I am so sorry for that. Depression sucks and that is the bottom line. I have been suffering for 32 years or more. I was a depressed teen, but didn't go to counseling or have any meds for it, I coped in other ways. I want you to know that somebody out here cares, so I will end here so that I can post this, but I will write more too.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42436
   Posted 7/10/2011 5:21 PM (GMT -6)   
I tried many medications before I found what worked for me. So don't give up on the meds. You may need a mood stabilizer to go with your medications. It helped me. It makes my antidepressants work better. Do you go to any type of counseling? That would most likely help you get back to feeling better. You probably can't even remember what that is like. It might scare you at first. But you learn to adapt. Do you have a lot of drama in your life that could be causing you to feel overwhelmed or is it just plain old depression?

I really hope that you feel better soon. Do keep posting. Tomorrow there will be more people on. It is really slow on the weekends.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

theHTreturns...
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Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20186
   Posted 7/10/2011 5:43 PM (GMT -6)   
here for you lolarose. i too have been where your at. know that we care about you and that you are a precious person. sending healing compassionate thoughts to you. jamie
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

Lolarose
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Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 7/11/2011 2:06 AM (GMT -6)   
It's not that I have a lot of drama. I kind of do. But it's drama to me as I find it hard to cope with the smallest of issues. I've had a lot go on. And on a nutshell, my mum left my dad (for the right reasons) when I was 11. He then ended up depended on alcohol and homeless. Me and my brother could visit him without him literally breaking down infront of us, which Hurt in an unreal way.
I moved to a new town, new school etc where I was bullied for refusing to be part of a group that were into taking drugs. I was beaten up and my life was made hell. Since then I had a relationship with a guy I Completley adored and loved with all my heart. He cheated on me twice and I suffered a miscarriage. I tried to take an overdose and was referred to a mental health team. I thought I was ok for a while, but it soon became clear I was so insecure. Still now, if I'm in a large group of people I want to cry and run out the room. I have a boyfriend of two and a half years. It has never been stable and a lot of it is because I'm so insecure. I've now reached a point where I'm drained and tired and just feel like it's all gone on too long and counselling etc, has never worked. Because it's easy to say the right thing to someone. Far too easy to tell someone they're precious and to love themselves etc. But that doesn't help me. I'm literally at breaking point!!!

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42436
   Posted 7/11/2011 9:45 AM (GMT -6)   
Can you just take life one day at a time? That really helps. Stay in the moment and focus on what is going on at that time. Try not to borrow trouble. When we are insecure we do that. Keep happy thoughts. Learn to enjoy the little things in life. Take walks. That is what I do. It clears my head.

Things are going to work out for you, they do for all of us. It is hard, we struggle. But here we work together, comfort eachother and do tell eachother it is going to be okay because it can be. We have to work on this together. Do keep up the counseling, that is what keeps me together.

I hope that you feel better soon. KIeep trying, never give up on yourself.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

worriedgirl
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Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1208
   Posted 7/11/2011 10:01 AM (GMT -6)   
i know how you feel lolarose, my mom was an alcoholic and dependent on drugs, i was bullied in school, and i am always trying to please people and not myself. my marriage is good but it is hard because of how i was raised and different views on life. its definitely not solid like before but with therapy i am working on it. it does get better to where you are at least content in life you just have to hold on and try. look deep inside and find the strongness that has gotten you this far, trust me you are strong cause you had to be you just need to find it. find something that gives you pleasure, like reading, watching tv or whatever hobby you have and do it for you. look in the mirror and tell yourself you are precious and wonderfull and most of all find a friend and talk to them. they can be your lifeline, even if it is your brother. no one understands what its like to be a child of a drug addict or alcholic unless they have been through it themselves. check alnon and see if you can find support there. come on girl you can do it.
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


"No one really dies because they have loved. Because they love they stay in the hearts of the people they have touched so in that their memory lives on." Ghost whisperer-i know corny but this touched me deep down and i see so much truth in it.

mogli
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Date Joined Mar 2006
Total Posts : 1191
   Posted 7/11/2011 1:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi there,

You are still fighting whether you realize it or not by posting on here and reaching out. Even though you might feel we don't have the right words and nothing can help, just venting that to us is a positive thing you can do for yourself. The way you described some of the nightmares you've endured was a great example of therapy for yourself.

We do know how you feel. I have just crashed into a deep depression myself and feel how you feel in this moment. I feel weak, exhausted and at my breaking point. It doesn't seem possible that I will feel better again. I get frustrated with taking meds, seeing pdoc, seeing counsellor and not feeling better most of the time!! So I know how you feel.

Who is in charge of your psychiatric care? Who do you see?

I am wondering what supports you have in place. PS-stress (or drama) is not good for us, so its important we try to avoid it at all costs or find healthy ways to deal with it safely.

We are here for you. Something else that might comfort you...self help books. It helps me to read about my illness when I'm depressed.

Many hugs,
Mogs
Mogs

Bipolar II
Anxiety Disorder/Panic Attacks

Meds-Lamictal 300 mg, Seroquel XR 200 mg, Clonazepam .5mg as needed, Methoprazine 5mg

Lolarose
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 7/11/2011 4:55 PM (GMT -6)   
Here in England were lucky enough to not have to worry about costing of therapy and counselling. A doctor referrs me and a counsellor does see me. But it's hard having someone sit infront of me with a pen and paper, analysing my life like I'm some kind of experiment. I know they are there to help but I can't help the way it makes me feel. This genuinley was a last resort and it's opened my eyes and good to talk to people that genuinley understand. I worry myself.

I feel strong some days. But something happens, and drags me down so far. And it's the repetative process that's so draining. U do so well and bam.... Back to square one. And after 12 years of it. I feel like each time it happens I'm not as strong as the time before. I just need to know how I can train my mind into being content. And comfortable.

The feeling I get when I get Down literally malkes me consider things that are dangerous. I scare myself sometimes as I come so close to giving up.

I don't trust myself to not end up doing that.

It hurts. It's hard. And most of the time I want to disappear :'(

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42436
   Posted 7/11/2011 5:34 PM (GMT -6)   
I have fibromyalgia, and with that, I had to start taking life one day at a time because you never know how you are going to feel the next day. With this, I found myself happier. I quit worrying about the future and dwelling on the past. I learned to appreciate the simple things in life and I am a lot happier.

I think a lot of times that the therapist writes things down it is to be able to remember things because I believe that they have to write reports to justify the sessions. Plus with their notes they can see patterns or evaluate if we have had any progress. It isn't as if they are writing things down for somebody else to read. Or that they are judging you in any way. So don't pay attention to that. And if you are curious, ask them what they are writing down.

Are you taking any meds for depression? I take three things. And it really has balanced me out. I am happy, but it took a long time to find what worked for me.

Living in the moment helps us too. Our minds aren't wandering about different things. We aren't thinking obsessively. We are paying attention to the task at hand. I am concerned about you. Especially when you are down. I really recommend you talk to somebody about this feeling. It is very important.

Try not to think of yourself as "some kind of experiment". Know that it is all trial and error no matter which route you take. The therapists are there to help us, and we have to help ourselves along too. try to get out and walk some. It is good for us mentally and physically. Watch the foods that you eat. Eating a lot of carbs or caffiene is bad for us. Does effect the mental health. I hope that you do feel better soon.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Bluesee
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 7/11/2011 8:37 PM (GMT -6)   
Lolarose,

I feel your pain because I'm living it. I feel so low sometimes that I cannot justify even moving. I say to my self: "What's the point in moving your arm, your worthless arm, your worthless life, if you move your arm, you'll still be worthless and your life will still b a mess and your past will still be terrible." So, some days I don't even roll out of the bed. I only get up to use the bathroom after I absolutely cannot hold it anymore (lol, a bit of a laugh). And yes, it's been going on too long for me. I'm your age and I've been dealing with this since elementary school. Medications, psychotherapies, meditation, self help literature, etc. and I feel fine for a while, but I sink soon again.

The thing is that you are not asking complete strangers for advice here. You are speaking to people who live through this pain everyday. I can understand you as if I've known you forever. My pain runs so deep, but I am still here. I frighten myself with my thoughts, but I sometimes feel peace from when I consider miracles. I study medicine and human biology now (ironically) and I come across things that absolutely amazes me sometimes. And then I think: "if that is possible, then there must be a way for me to be happy. I just have to find it." The problem is then finding the strength, will, and motivation to do so. My motivation is my daughter and though sometimes, its still not enough, it is strong enough to make me think logically.

Depression doesn't play fairly. It messes with my ability to think logically at times and it takes away a fundamental factor- HOPE. But, please find a way to refire your faith in HOPE. I will take my own advice, too. And we are all here because we are looking for hope for the better.

-----PLEASE LIVE ON------

Lolarose
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 7/13/2011 4:00 AM (GMT -6)   
Words are pretty powerful things. Yet so easy to use. People always seem to know the sensible, right and comforting things to say.

I don't want to seem difficult or ungrateful to you all who are trying so hard, but words mean nothing to me. I genuinley feel awful for saying to that but I genuinley believe that the reason for that is because I've felt so alone and know that the only person I can genuinley
Listen to is myself.

I only rely on myself now. When Uve felt isolated for so long you learn to block things out. I promise u I don't mean to. And it's kind of you all, but it doesn't make a huge difference to how I feel :(

I'm so sorry

Post Edited (Lolarose) : 7/13/2011 4:05:53 AM (GMT-6)


Lolarose
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 7/13/2011 4:10 AM (GMT -6)   
It's also strange that I'm going to study medical science!

So I understand the irony as I myself am!!

I feel like I can be the only person in the world. And that everyone around me genuinley has no clue of how I REALLY feel. They have an idea, but don't know the extent of it. Infact my boyfriend just thinks I'm moody too often.

And I believe it's putting a strain on us.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42436
   Posted 7/13/2011 7:41 AM (GMT -6)   
Maybe you seem moody to him. If your moods are going up and down, it is probably hard for him to tolerate. He doesn't know the right things to say because he doesn't know what your mood is going to be like or how you are going to react. We have to be proactive with this because nobody else is going to do it for us. Get some help. Go to a doctor or a therapist and ask for help. That is the only way that you are going to get better.

Beleive me, it is hard to fight depression without any help. You get nowhere fast.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Lolarose
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 7/13/2011 8:03 AM (GMT -6)   
But how am I supposed to stop it affecting us. It's too hard. I can't help the person I am or my insecurities, all he says is I need to chill out and relax, I'm constantly moaning or moody, but all it is is me trying to let him know I'm so unhappy :(

He's laid-back. Has lots of friends. Has a social life, a really good one. And I'm the complete opposite. So I depend in him too much. So how can I
Not let it affect us???

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42436
   Posted 7/13/2011 9:17 AM (GMT -6)   
It is so easy, yet so hard at the same time. You just stop letting things effect your moods. Have you ever read a book called "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns? It is also refered to as the New Mood Therapy. He explains it so well and you learn cbt therapy and it makes you feel good. And you need to learn to depend on you, not him. Trust yourself to have the strength to change the way that you look at things. You really are stronger than you think. It is the power of the mind. You can do this. And you can help the person that you are. you learn not to be insecure. I know that you can do this. Maybe look for that book on Amazon. You can get cheap copies there. It will make you stronger and more self sufficient. You will become your own person. Not just somebodie's girlfriend. I was talking to another person and told them that for years, I was so and so's girlfriend, or wife. Now I am Karen. I am my own person and I like it. And I think you will too. You learn to accept yourself and work with the tools that you have within you. I have faith in you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9664
   Posted 7/13/2011 9:27 AM (GMT -6)   
Everyone's life has value and merit...but you have to be open to see that...
you can change, you can leave the past you had to go thru, sure it'll haunt
you from time to time, but you can and do have things in life to look forward to...
well wishes
and look into that book that Karen/getting by suggested and do seek out
counseling...

Lolarose
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 7/13/2011 2:19 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for the recommendation on the book. I will definatley get a copy and try this. I just read a short overview of it and it sounds like something I could benefit from.

I just want to be back to my carefree self I used to be. I know my own personality, and it's as if it's locked away, briefly showing signs now and again of an appearance. But it never lasts long. Always seems to disappear as if it never existed.

I need to become more self dependent and like u said use the tools I have within myself. But I feel like I'm weak inside. And the drive to try and train your own mind is really hard. Really I've had a really long road of up and down, and crap times. I'll count tomorrow (as it's 9.20pm here) as day 1....

So where do I start?!?!!

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42436
   Posted 7/13/2011 3:15 PM (GMT -6)   
I would say that you started by posting here. It is like you started a healing journey. There are a couple of sites that I will post for you that are free that you could go to and see if they help any.

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

http://ecouch.anu.edu.au/welcome

All you should have to do is copy and paste these into the taskbar. If I would of used the regular reply they would be blue and you could have just clicked on them, but I used the quick reply and it doesn't work that way.

By getting that book you will be helping yourself. And if you feel the need, you could try some counseling. It really helps. Though you may have tried it and it didn't work out. There are so many different types of counseling, you may have not had the right counselor to fit your needs.

I really think you took your first step when you posted here. It takes a lot of courage to do so and it shows you are asking for help. Keep your chin up my friend. You are going to feel better.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Lolarose
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 7/13/2011 4:23 PM (GMT -6)   
The only problem I have with this is (negative thinking but that's me for ya!) is I know I can get there for a while. I will feel better and I know that it won't be long, a week, maybe two, 3 tops.... And I'll have fallen straight back into it. That's the thing. It only ever lasts for such a short time.

Something else I havnt mentioned is my eating disorders, I suffered from bulimia and refused to eat. I took ephedrine for a long time too to decrease my appetite, increase my metabolism and heart rate. It's illegal here. The thing is I've never ever agreed with drugs (as in social drugs people take to have a "good" time, I lost a friend through it. But I don't look at it like that, as they're only mainly used by people seriously into body building, dieting, body image etc. They're pretty dangerous cause they mess with ur heart rate etc. And I have an idea it could be contributing to my mind set. It's a vicious circle, I feel insecure... I don't eat... I feel poorly, I get down.... And when I'm
Down I get insecure..... And I don't eat... You srr where I'm
Going with this?!

I've had help. And still am, but It's a constant struggle. Maybe one thing to have to deal with would be manageable... But all of it feels like to much of a battle!

I'll get the book. I'll try the websites. But without sounding too pesamistic , I can't say a bunch of printed words and posative thoughts will change the person I've become. I do thibk you understand me though. Which I have to say helps slightly and I didn't think it would. But I'm a million miles away from where I need to be.

I'll listen to your advice. Because YOU KNOW.... Which goes for everyone else who posted on here too!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42436
   Posted 7/13/2011 4:49 PM (GMT -6)   
I am glad you are trying. I think we all see our ups and downs with depression. Nobody feels good all of the time. But we should have more up days than down days. And if it only helps you feel good for a little while, it is still worth it.

Best wishes,

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

notsosicklygirl
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 16284
   Posted 7/13/2011 5:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey Lolarose,

I often feel the same way you do. I am a bit older and I am actually feeling quite defeated these days but I, like Karen, have learned to take things one day at a time. I have a negative perspective too and it's very difficult to battle because to me, when I think about things, it seems like most are a waste of time. Sorry to be a downer. I ended up starting an antidepressant a few weeks ago and I think it's helping a bit with this negativity. My doctors told me over and over, "you're not depressed". I believe this is depression. Thinking the future is worthless? what's more depressing than that?

What I am saying is that this isn't the standard textbook version of depression but it's definitely not normal either. Just because you're feeling negative and moody doesn't mean you can't get back up and achieve your goals. It sounds to me like you're on a good path and you know what you want. That's a lot more direction than many people have. Find your passion and follow it, whether it is writing or dancing or working in the medical field, if you're doing something you love, you will feel much happier.

If your boyfriend tells you you're moody without offering to help, I am not sure if that is productive. If I am moody, I want my bf to listen and try to make it better, I don't want my moodiness to be pointed out over and over. If I being called moody, it makes me feel bad about myself and that makes me feel worse.

You really need to find someone you can speak with, perhaps you can find a medication that works for you and helps to balance the ups and downs. I feel a less focused on the negatives lately. I am thankful to feel less full of negativity. Unfortunately, my physical health is falling apart and that's a downer but at least I can see past it for now :)

Sorry to ramble. I hope you're feeling a little better. Don't give up.
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Lolarose
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 13
   Posted 7/14/2011 5:16 PM (GMT -6)   
I've taken a huge dive today :(

I've crashed to the bottom again. I feel like a nobody. See what I mean... My positivity lasted no more than a day.

I think it's about time I accepted defeat. I change the world in no way. I don't particularly have any influence on people. If I just cleared off I
Doubt any one would even notice. I don't even feel sad to cry.


I feel more like a zombie now. Nit even sad enough to cry. I Ferlinghetti like a robot, like I feel nothing, have no reaction and like I just wanna disappear again.

This is too much now and im pretty sure im making others around me miserable, fed up of being around someone who's "constantly moody"


They have no
Clue


No clue whatsoever about how I'm feeling. And wouldn't understand if I sat down and spelled it out for them. Believe me I've tried.

Enoughs enough

And i feel like I'm at a dead end

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42436
   Posted 7/14/2011 5:54 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Lolarose,

Do you take any medications or go to counseling? Have you gone that route? I have the feeling that you feel that you have tried everything. I just want to know where you stand in this. You are probably sick of people bringing it up. But counseling helps so much.

Have you ever read a book called Feeling Good? It is by Dr. David Burns. It is really a good book, I don't know if I have mentioned it to you before, I often advise people to read it. Often it is the way that we view things that creates our moods. Some people can change that and they feel better. It is about cbt therapy. You might find it helpful. I got mine on Amazon and it was only 6.00. So if you get it and it doesn't help, you aren't out much. But I think you would find it helpful to read it.

Try writing your feelings down. How you feel at that very moment. Maybe start a journal. Something to get your thoughts in order where you can see how you are actually doing. Since you can't really feel anything. But if that is the case just write that down. Maybe do two entries a day. One in the morning and one before you go to bed. You can write pretty much about anything you want. It would give you some structure about yourself.

I really hope that you feel better soon. Try to accept that you are going to have a not so good day now and then. But it gets better with time.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Serenitee
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 463
   Posted 7/14/2011 6:03 PM (GMT -6)   
Lolarose,

I just wanted to say that I do care about you and am so sorry that you are having a tough time. I do understand and am also dealing with those feelings on a daily basis. I know what you mean by having a therapist or psychiatrist sit in front of you with pen and paper. I have had issues since I was young but never got any help until last September and I'm 46. I have gone thru 3 therapists that I just could not connect with, but I have connected really well with my psychiatrist that I see on a weekly basis.

I was wondering if you have done any Inpatient or Outpatient Programs? CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) and or DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy? I did a 5 month program that focused around the CBT program. However, since I am still really struggling my psych Dr. wants me to try DBT. I go for my Intake Appt. next week, and this is a 6-12 month program.

I am sorry and am thinking only good thoughts to come your way.
Your Healingwell Friend,
Serenitee

Bipolar 2, Borderline, Manic-Depressive, Anxiety/Panic Disorder, Ptsd...
Loop ileostomy, pelvic and bladder trauma & dysfunction, colon and bladder fell out of my body, 2-bladder surgeries, vaginal vault lift, abdominal hysterectomy, C-section, ruptured appendix, tumor removed from head...these are just a few surgeries I've gone thru.
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