Suffering from the pain of life

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sweetgal22491
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 7/12/2011 8:20 PM (GMT -6)   
This is my second post. I'm just very lost in life and depressed deeply at times. Growing up as a child I was very depressed. I got into drugs and drank a lot, was a cutter and was sexually abused by my grandfather. Things were hard then because I've never had anyone to talk to about things like this. I never had anyone like that. My relationship was bad with my mom because my parents got divorced when I was 7 and I always felt like she was turning me from my dad. I was always very close to my dad and he was the only one I could even mention depression to. He had PTSD along with my sister but we never really talked about it. I don't want to live like I used to but those are the only friends I have. My boyfriend doesn't understand this and why I don't want to talk to them or go back and be close with them like before me and him started dating. I live an hr from my home town and don't talk to my dad very much anymore. He had a major stroke in 2006 and I don't get along with my family anymore because I was the only one there for him. I'd go to school all day and drive an hr to the hospital and spend nights with him because they didn't know if he was going to pull thorugh. I was 16. Doing that alone made me grow up a lot. I was there to feed him I was there to teach him How to walk and talk and to feed himself again. I did therapy sessions upon therapy sessions with him to get him able to live alone again. And now that I'm out on my own and away from my friends and family I'm alone. I have no one to talk to. No one to go out with. My boyfriend doesn't see why I'm so depressed and I feel like the issues in our relationship have come from my past. From the way I was treated. I get very jelous when he talks to other females or goes out without me, I feel like I'm not first priority. Like he doesn't care about me. I'm his second girlfriend and he's 30. I'm 20. He feels like living with me should be showing me enough that he wants to be with me. But it's not enough to me. I feel like I'm just another girl he talks to but I just happen to be the one he lives with. I want to feel wanted and I don't know how, is my past why I'm affected now and why I don't feel loved now? What can I do or my boyfriend do to make me feel better about us and not be jelous or care if he goes out without me? Please help.

CassandraLee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 900
   Posted 7/12/2011 11:10 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Sweet Gal. Welcome to Healing Well. I am glad that you found us and the Depression forum. We are a tight knit group of people that I consider to be a second family. Their support for me over the years has been a blessing and I know that it can be for you too.

When reading your post I really felt for you. You have unfortunately experienced a lot of pain and tragic experiences in your short lifetime. But despite this you sound like you are a very strong person. For a 16 year old to go so far out of her way and literally help nurse her own dad back to health; that is beyond impressive.

I can understand why you can be clingy and unsure of yourself at times with your boyfriend. It seems that so much was either taken from you and then voluntarily given of yourself; that perhaps you didn't have the time and family structure to help you develop and get to know and feel strong about yourself.

I believe that you can provide that structure for yourself if you are able to find a caring and compassionate therapist. It will give you the opportunity to work through your past experiences and give you some positive perspective moving forward. My therapist always states that therapy is an investment in yourself. And I fully agree with this.

Don't be so hard on yourself right now. It sounds like you just need some support and time to work through some of your issues and feel better.

Please feel free to keep posting and my thoughts will be with you!

Cass

sweetgal22491
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 23
   Posted 7/13/2011 12:41 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you so much cass, I really have been through alto. This is most of it but there's even more that I haven't posted yet. In growing up I was very in check with my emotions. I could hide them from anyone. I'd awake up dying inside and still put a smile on my face and go on with the day. No one knew how depressed I really was. I was very popular in school. I was a cheerleader and always had many friends but no one I could talk to about my problems. So I kept it inside and delt with it my own way. Growing up now I can let out my issues and deal with them but sometimes I fell as if its harder then just keeping it in. I feel weak when I let out my issues. Like you said, I was very strong because I went through so much alone at a young age. I also think this is the reason for the issues I have now with my boyfriend but don't know how to make him see this. Do u think I should see a therapist? Thank you for all your support and your willingness to walk me through my tough time!! ~Tara
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