Posted 7/15/2011 4:47 AM (GMT -7)
So I am known to be a very happy person, even through this crap life that I lead. I live in Australia and pretty much ever since I was 13 I have done nothing but got into trouble with the police, I managed to pull myself away from this and have stayed out of trouble for about 3 years now.
I am 27 years old and just so very tired, I have 14,000 dollars in fines that have just been lingering for so long. I had even enrolled into finishing my VCE at the start of this year. I did well first semester and was bringing home A's on everything I was doing, then my arthritis would flare up and started missing classes and got behind. I am not as far behind as I think, but I'm sick of having to catch a train for 30 minutes a day.
So, my friend on facebook asked me if I wanted to go out tonight, with my tight money situation I said no. Anyway he keeps nagging me saying I shouted last time, and I pretty much had to get angry at him just to explain that I don't bloody take hand outs. So they decide to come to my house and ask me to come out, even after I just told them that I didn't feel like it?
I feel people around me including my family are just condescending me, it's as if the world revolves around them. I'm losing interest, I just want to be alone and want everyone to piss off. This has been like this for around 5 years now since I lost contact with my older group of friends.
So these "friends" of mine, they go to tafe with me also and for some reason I'm getting annoyed because I am getting put down all the time. I mean a joke is a joke, I get that, but when does it end? Yeah I suck at maths or I suck at this, but I'm an A grade student?
Sometimes I just feel people need to put others down to boost they're own self esteems, people have even tried to manipulate me out of guilt with their birthdays? even though I bought a present to show I cared, they wanted to use that as a tool to use me?
Is this normal or is there something wrong with me, I have lost all interest in life and have no idea where I am heading with it.
The only emotion that I seem to have is blank, rare happiness and 80% of anger.
So anyway, I was diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis about 3 years ago and it has slowed me down so much. I can get very tired and sleep up to 14 hours a day and still want to sleep more, I often worry about my health and just plain over it.
The only time I ever seem to want to enjoy myself or even remotely express any emotion is when I drink.... I LOVE to drink, it makes me feel good and I can cope with everyone when I drink. Unfortunately I can only afford to get drunk once a fortnight, I would drink alot more if I was able to.
If anyone can relate in anyway, I would very much like to hear about it.