Greetings healingwell community,
I have been feeling this 'low' for quite some time. If I could describe how it feels it would be that I am alone, lost inside my thoughts and living inside my head. I am 19 years old and still attending school, yet it feels at times that my life is going nowhere and that I have nobody to confide in or speak to, not even my best friends. Life at home is not like a life at all. I live with my mother who is an alcoholic and my relationship with her is 'robotic' if I may. She has nothing to say to me and likewise I feel no need to communicate with her, especially when shes been drinking. It feels like at times I am going through the motions of how people are supposed to act when all it is I want to do is stay by myself which is the way my life seems to be going. I am constantly lost in my thoughts and barely pay attention to my surroundings or how I may look to others. Many people including my mother and even people I barely know have told me I am always too serious and that I should lighten up and smile more. My relationship with my dad is pretty distant even though i used to see him every second week, but at times it seems I cannot please both of my parents ever. Dating-wise I often feel like I can be easily outdone by other men and I constantly ask myself what i am worth and what I can offer people and moreover myself, yet I come up blank. I honestly do not remember the last time I was truly happy, if ever. I feel like i need to get away from everything and figure myself out but then again, I am terrified to be left alone with my thoughts because I dont think i have the willpower to best the negativity that seems to flow into my mind and actions, and if left alone to brew with them theyd eat be up entirely.
I apologize if my thoughts seem to be scattered, but i feel like its time to get them down and to speak about them without the voice in the back of my head telling me that people will judge me.
Please, healingwell community, ive been struggling with this for a very long time and I want to pick myself up permanently, if you guys have suggestions and advice it is greatly appreciated.