My relationships...ugh

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

misterkatamari
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 374
   Posted 7/18/2011 5:20 PM (GMT -6)   
So, my father is an extremely depressed widower who also has hateful mood swings where he is spiteful and mean to the extreme. My boyfriend was raped as a child, and now struggles with depression and severe mood swings and anger.

I have depression and anxiety, and well...I don't ever really hurt others. I internalize my problems, which is not to say its better...but at least now that I am older I actively try and treat my illness and I don't let myself get mean with others. My 'familys' mental problems are taking their toll on me, though.

I can't stand my boyfriend anymore. He's depressed and doesn't want to do any of the things he used to, he hates everything and everyone.  he hates them so deeply. He always has to be right, and he always has to prove he is adequate and 'better'. He's been at his worst lately, he can't even play video games without getting so mad that he slams crap around and then he takes sleeping medication and knocks himself out for several hours so he doesn't have to 'deal with people'. He is constantly saying how horrible his life is, and he wasn't like this say--two months ago, even though his situation was the same.

I just can't deal with it anymore. We all 3 live together, and I depend on my father for money and shelter. I care about my boyfriend, but I honestly feel like 60% of the time he doesn't love me anymore. He says he does when he is in a good mood, but I don't know. He is also very sexual and has sexual problems--hyper sexuality- (we're both men) and have sex with people perhaps by himself with my permission. He doesn't cheat as he isn't a devious person at all, but he is very adamant and loud about any opinion he has. He didn't used to push the issue, but he has become more vocal about it.

He's just constantly yelling, not always at me, but just yelling at/about something/someone.

I feel like I can't take it and I don't know what to do.

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 7/18/2011 6:13:45 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 7/18/2011 6:11 PM (GMT -6)   
It sounds like your boyfriend has some serious anger issues. I would rethink this relationship if I were you. I can tell it is effecting you in a negative way. It would me too. I don't think it is good to live around so much hostility. Have you discussed his anger with him? Would he go to counseling or anger management if you mentioned it to him?

I don't know if talking about your sexual life is appropriate for the forum. We have 13 year olds on here. Because of the multiple partners. So I have to edit your post. But being an adult, if you agree to it, I don't see where it plays into the post anyway. If you don't agree, I would discuss this with him.

My main concern is the anger issue. I hope he can get a grip on it, especially if he is throwing things around. I hope he doesn't get physical with you or belittle you with anything that he says when he is angry. That is abuse to you.

Try to get him to counseling or anger management.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

misterkatamari
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 374
   Posted 7/18/2011 7:01 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks, and sorry for being too explicit.

I don't really agree to it, and the fact that he is so obsessive about it is why it is problematic. He knows he sexual and anger problems and is now willing to get help...but he still does the slamming and yelling stuff regardless. I've told him before about how I am willing to try and help him, I just wish he didn't treat me like crap so often.

The thing is, I've been with him for five years now. He had moments in the past, but it is sort of like he goes into 'spells'. Could be perhaps cycling, but I'm not sure because he didn't really get help at the time. He keeps saying that he wishes he were dead and how everything is pointless, etc. I want to be supportive, because I do understand the depressive side of things....its the hateful anger stuff I don't really fully understand. He truly hates people, and truly wishes bad horrible things to them for crossing him in any way. I'm much more passive, and I have learned to let people go on their way as long as they are no longer doing anything that affects me. He is, meanwhile, very vindictive and never forgets or forgives anything. He actually says he is PROUD of that vindictiveness, because he sees it as 'standing up' for himself. I understand some of his reasons for thinking like this, but I don't understand how he can still think it is rational.

We talk about things extensively, we aren't the type to let things lie...but even with talking, he now seems too unstable to do anything. He's thinking of calling off work this weekend because of how he feels today. He's sick of being at home, sick of being at work, sick of playing games, sick of not going out enough, etc etc. He's just mad and depressed at everything.

Also, he does belittle me sometimes and I consider some of what he does/say to be abusive. He is just not physically abusive to me.

Post Edited (misterkatamari) : 7/18/2011 7:05:15 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 7/18/2011 8:07 PM (GMT -6)   
Emotional abuse is abuse. And his rage could go too far one day. It sounds like he has cycles or episodes of rage quite frequently. I don't undertand how somebody can have such a hatred towards other people. I didn't use to like people, but I never hated them. I do keep to myself a lot, and enjoy it.

Maybe he needs a break from work. But it sounds like he is copping out in a way. You would know better than me, but maybe you could use that time to talk him into some type of anger management counselign. I know I keep pushing that, but to me it seems like the only way. He really needs help.

When he smashes things, whos stuff does he break? Just curious. Doe he do this around your father? I hope not. He doesn't need to deal with that.

Maybe you could go to couples counseling. Or you could start firsrt and get him going. Tkae this time off and work on that. Try to get him to agree on the anger management part. For your own safety.

And for his talking down to you. That needs to be stopped. It is abuse.

Hope that things get better.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

misterkatamari
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 374
   Posted 7/19/2011 9:19 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks again.

I can understand part of his hatred, due to the awful things he has had happen to him in his life. But his anger is misplaced, and instead of just being angry at those who really did hurt him--he has become nothing but hateful to everything and everyone.

I am making calls today to see if his insurance will cover going to the same mental health clinic that I go to. It is the closest one to us, but not our only choice. If it isn't the only place he can do, then I will have to ask his insurance for providers near us. I'm the one having to do the work because he's so far gone right now that he doesn't want to do anything.

He had bad experiences with therapists before, so the main thing I want to look at right now is an actual psychiatrist. I told him I can go with him and talk with the doctor because he says he has problems explaining his symptoms to people. Obviously, I wouldn't go if he had therapy--unless he wanted me too--but I think going with him to the actual doctor would help.

And yeah, he does do things like this around my father. Sometimes he screams and does them TO my father. He has calmed down on that front now, but he still harbors extreme anger and hatred to my father. Some of which--the anger--I understand and even share to an extent, but I just don't empathize at all with hatred. At least not to those who truly do not deserve it.

He--my boyfriend--has been in fights when he was in school. Both times it was people who antagonized him due to the sexual abuse he suffered as a child. Kids in school knew what happened because of the news, and they would be hateful to him about it. So on two occasions he beat someone up who did so, and the last time he did it he was taken out by police even though no charges were filed.

He raised his hand at me before, as if to hit me, but he drew it back and instead stormed out of the room. The situation was very bad when he did that, but it had nothing to do with me. He was angry at something else. Plus, when this all happened--someone else was in the room with us. They were possibly more upset than I was.

Then recently, he got into it with his sister's boyfriend. The guy was being a jerk and so he started to talk back to him, and it spiraled and the guy started to yell...and that was it. My boyfriend started to throw stuff around and ripping down stuff like a bookcase and a stack of CDs. He broke the door off its hinge and when he swung a the stack of CDs it hit me and cut me in several places on my arm. He was in a completely blind rage and said he wanted to kill the guy, he ran out the back door and I had to drive around and find him.

Everytime he does this, it is like he has an actual break down. He is consumed by the hatred, then he breaks down and feels like he is a horrible person and just cries and cries. When he is in that mood, he is actually responsive to me asking about getting help--but then he comes out of that mood eventually is ignorant and angry again. Everything is suddenly everyone else's fault again, not his--and the next time he sees them, 'they better stay away from me, I don't even want to SEE their face'.

So yeah, sorry for the huuuge posts. Even if no one can really help or respond right now, it still helps me to post about it and write it out. lol!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 7/19/2011 11:35 AM (GMT -6)   
I am glad it helps to write things out. It does for me too. I am glad that you are getting a psychiatrist for him. I hope that he will go. And you too, to explain what is going on. He really needs help. And you could use some help going through this. It can't be easy for you. You take the bunt of everything. We always hurt the ones we love I guess.

I hope that he calms down, especially around your father. It is kind of him to offer you both his home to live in. I would hate to see that changed. I hope that things work out for you. It sounds like you are on the right track. Keep your chin up and keep trying. Keep posting too. It does help.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

misterkatamari
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 374
   Posted 7/19/2011 2:12 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks again, Karen.

My dad likes having me/us around, he is just a very ill person mentally. My mental problems are for the most part under control right now, I am only having real problems due to all these environmental stresses, but my father is just severely depressed and has mood swings not unlike my boyfriend. (He just isn't violent.)

So I'm surrounded by everyone else's mental problems right now, and I sorta end up having to counsel them on it. (The irony.) lol!

I just got back from my therapist today, I spent most of my session talking about all this. She's very good and listens well, and I think she understands me well. She agrees he needs help.

It is just hard for me because I want him to be happy and healthy because I love him, yet at the same time I have a life that I want and I have goals and things I need to do...and I can't do that if I am going nuts due to his violence and anger. So if he won't ever get help, I will probably have to tell him that he needs to live apart for awhile at least.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 7/19/2011 5:00 PM (GMT -6)   
I am glad you are seeing it that way. It is hard to tell somebody that they might have to be away from the person they love for their own mental health sake. But that would of most likely been my next suggestion. But you do have to think of yourself and your mental well being through all of this. It might even get him to seek help knowing that you aren't going to take it anymore. I wish you the very best. And know we are right here behind you.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

misterkatamari
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 374
   Posted 7/20/2011 8:42 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks again. :)

My therapist said that he sounds like he has textbook Borderline Personality Disorder. Obviously she and I aren't actual doctors, but I still brought that up to him and we both read up on it together. He agrees that he had almost all of the symptoms, and we sorta talked about it for a bit. Even if that isn't what he has, it was still good he was interested in finding it out.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 7/20/2011 8:45 AM (GMT -6)   
That is good, Maybe this will be his first step to healing. I sure do hope so.

I hope that you are having a good day. Me not so much. Terrible heat wave. Frying my brain.lol... It is just too hot here. No end in sight. Wish it would rain...

Sorry for the vent.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

misterkatamari
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 374
   Posted 7/22/2011 10:05 AM (GMT -6)   
getting by said...
That is good, Maybe this will be his first step to healing. I sure do hope so.

I hope that you are having a good day. Me not so much. Terrible heat wave. Frying my brain.lol... It is just too hot here. No end in sight. Wish it would rain...

Sorry for the vent.

Hugs, Karen


I've been trying to stay inside, I can't take the heat at all! I hate it! lol!


Also, I called all over today trying to figure out my boyfriend's insurance and a list of providers. Insurance stuff is very confusing, and I'm not used to having to do all this calling to figure out benefits. I'm lucky to have insurance from my father through the Army, as well as state insurance...so I just have to ask if they accept state insurance or not and if they do I'm good to go. Not so for this insurance, its really weird and obscure. I was scared that there would be no providers around here, but I found some.

He made an appointment to do some paperwork and possibly see a doctor...but it isn't until September. Ugh. We aren't even in August yet. We live in a rural area, so I am not surprised that it takes so long to see a doctor...but I really hope that we can get something done on that day. It is taking everything I have to cope right now.

After we set up the appointment, I called his insurance back to find out about co-pay and benefit limits, etc. Basically, they said that in network providers are $20 co-pay with unlimited visits. His prescription benefits let him pay $10 for generic, and $30-40 for brand name. When I told him this, I was thinking that it sounded really good...meanwhile he decides to get really pissed off and hateful.

He goes on and on about how he doesn't have enough money for this, when we live with my father who pays ALL the bills. All of them. We don't even pay rent. I know my boyfriend is having trouble working lately, but he makes more than enough to pay for a doctor appointment now and then and some medication once a month or so. He gets so worked up about things that haven't even happened yet, and he becomes so angry and irrational. It's like he expects everything to be handed to him or something, I don't know. It's probably partly his illness, but he is kind of like that normally anyhow.

He said something like, he can't deal with that--meaning the amount of money he'd need to pay. I told him that he needs to, because I can't deal with it if he DOESN'T get help. I told him we need to do this, and that there isn't anything else more worthy of paying for than your health. He sorta calmed down, but he's still worked up and ordering me around today. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. Plus, not one thank you for calling and talking to people for like 2 hours. But then again, I guess I didn't expect a thank you...but maybe just not being ANGRY at everything would have been thanks enough.

confused

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 7/22/2011 11:43 AM (GMT -6)   
I truly believe that this anger is coming from the depression. He may have been depressed for a long time. But some of it is his personality. But I think once he gets the depression under control, his attitude is going to change. When we are depressed we see everything in black and white. No shades of grey. So everything seems overwhelming. I think when he has time to think about it, he will see things your way. He just needs to calm down. And they might give him some samples to start out with. Fortunately you have insurance. I take abilify which is a mood stabilizer, and it is a 40.00 copay. So my doc writes it for twice the mg and it lasts two months. Plus they give me samples too. It is really expensive, but it works well. I take anti depressants and anti anxiety meds too. The abilify makes the anti depressant work better too which helps.

I know this appointment seems far off, but really the time will go by faster than it seems it will. July is almost over and I hope that you keep this appointment. Though it would be nice if it was sooner, I know.

Try to stay relaxed. Try not to think the worst. I should say hope for the best. And good behavior from your boyfriend. I know what it feels like having to walk on eggshells and it is no fun. But I know you don't want to do anything to set him off. It must be rather uncomfortable for you right now. Find something quiet to do and stay out of his hair for now. Hopefully he will stay calmed down and not get riled up. I am sure he doesn't mean it. As they say "we always hurt the ones we love". Keep your chin up. Hang in there.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

misterkatamari
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 374
   Posted 7/22/2011 1:42 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks again. :P

I am trying to remain patient. I sorta just wish I could spend a few days by myself, away from everyone, just to clear my head. lol!

The problem with staying out of his hair is that he constantly needs/wants someone around him. He cannot be left alone like ever, he has to be sitting in front of me or something. Even if we are eating snacks, he wants me like sitting there and watching him do it. He gets depressed when he wants to sleep at like 3pm and I don't want to lie in bed with him. He does this even when he is in a really foul mood, at least when it isn't due to me. But the thing is, anything can set him off, so I am sorta stuck. If I try and avoid him, he'll only get mad at me anyhow, but if I try to stick around him I have to watch everything I say, how I say it, everything I do, and how I do it. So sorta a lose-lose. meh.

He is doing some exercise right now, hopefully it helps him. He seems ready for work tonight, so that is good too.

The other day, he was having the opposite of depressive mood. He was laughing excessively, over nothing, and he was almost crying because he knew he had no reason to be laughing. Sorta like when a kid is 'slap happy', only he's 21 years old. He was just laughing hysterically, so much that his asthma worked up from it. Then later on in the day, he sorta went back to his dark moods obsessing with death and dying.

So the borderline disorder or bi-polar seems like it is probably really more down his alley than anything right now. His depression is super low, his highs are super ridiculous, and his anger and irritability is all over the place.

I mostly just have depression and anxiety. I have most of the symptoms of depression and anxiety, though I haven't really had suicidal thoughts. Stress makes everything 100x worse, though, as I am sure you can understand. I also have been dealing with chronic pain that is severely inhibiting me right now, and causing me lots of pain and discomfort. So that is a factor to my depression too.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 7/22/2011 2:00 PM (GMT -6)   
I think you are right about the bipolar too. It sounds like manic episodes. Tht is really hard to live with. My mother was bipolar and didn't always take her meds. She got very mean. It was really frightening when I was a little kid. So I know how you feel about walking on eggshells. I have done it many times.

You are right about the stress too. It does make things 100 times worse. It can really effect your health and well being. Do you meditate by any chance? That really helps ground you and it is natural. And within yourself. It gives you a sense of strength. It keeps the atmosphere calm and tranquil.

I hope that you are right about the exercise helping him. It should. I like walking. I do it as much as possible. It clears my head and burns calories too. It has been so hot though that it is hard to get out. Early in the morning is when I usually go. Or after the sun sets.

I have depression and anxiety too. I take pristiq for depression and xanax for anxiety. I also take abilify for a mood stabilizer. It also helps with obsessive thinking and helps make the pristiq work better.

Well, I hope that you are able to ride it out until he sees a psychiatrist. Do you go to any type of counseling? It really would help you to cope better. Though they would probably tell you to avoid him and not react as you are already doing. But there might be some coping stratagies that they would be able to help you with.

I hope that things are going well.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

misterkatamari
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 374
   Posted 7/22/2011 3:37 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm sorry to hear about your experiences with your mother, I'm lucky in that my parents were relatively stable when I was growing up. I was the one who had the worst mental problems back then. lol!

As for meditation, no I don't actually. That isn't a bad idea at all, though. I just feel like I never am alone enough to do so. I used to do breathing exercises due to my anxiety and panic attacks, but I have those attacks less now so I sorta stopped doing the exercises as much.

I'm on Prozac, and I think perhaps I would benefit from another anxiety medication. I'm not sure what exactly, but maybe something as needed? I used to take stuff like that as needed before, when I was having attacks and what not. So next time I see my psych doctor, I think I will mention it. I feel like my depression is relatively manageable right now, although it varies.

And yes, I do see a therapist. I really do like my therapist, and she helps a lot. She basically agreed with most of the suggestions and ideas that we have gone over on here. That he needs help, and that I can only do so much to help him if he never wants to get that help. She also said it sounded like he really did have borderline or bipolar, and she showed me the entry in her textbook on it and it was like spot on. lol!

But yeah, she helps me out. I wish he was as responsive to therapy, but his mental walls are too thick right now. Perhaps in the future he could benefit from it once he is more stable, though.

:)

Serenitee
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 463
   Posted 7/22/2011 5:54 PM (GMT -6)   
Misterkatamari,
Hello, I just wanted to say briefly that I agree with everything Getting By has posted. I do think that living in such a verbally, mentally abusive situation is not good for all that is involved (the 3 of U). And the anger that is driven to throwing or breaking things. Living by walking on eggshells is not good for anyone. I definitely think counseling, or Therapist, or Psychiatrist would be a place to start. I think your boyfriend definitely needs help and perhaps medication that can help with his hatred and anger. Best of luck to all 3-of you.
Your Healingwell Friend,
Serenitee

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42439
   Posted 7/22/2011 5:55 PM (GMT -6)   
I do wish you strength through this. I am happy to read that you have some support system going on with therapy. I go regularly. I see a psychiatrist and psychologist. So they got me covered between them. lol... It works out good. My psychologist also does massage therapy as part of her therapy. So I get a massage once in awhile. It helps my fibromyalgia.

Keep on trying. You are doing the best that you can. Know that. You are there for him, and I think that is most important. Even if you don't say anything, you are there. Best wishes my friend.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Sunday, June 24, 2018 2:34 PM (GMT -6)
There are a total of 2,974,763 posts in 326,206 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 161300 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, sunvsmoon.
362 Guest(s), 8 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
McKinley, Jianqing Wu, bluelyme, 81GyGuy, torontolyme, Sinmiedo, The Dude Abides, johncl