Depressed wife and I are getting divorced

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Jordan23
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   Posted 7/19/2011 11:41 PM (GMT -6)   
After a year and a half of pure tension and struggle, my wife and I had a discussion tonight, and she said that she is not in love with me and doesn't think she ever was. She was depressed before we met, and never told me. We have been together for 13 years and married for 11. I found out 1.5 years ago about her past depression. I openly admit I did not respond well to the to it initially, and lashed out. She hid it from me for six months and kept telling me different stories. After a while you don't know what to believe, so I kept asking questions. She said that made her uncomfortable and she was uncomfortable around me. We would argue for a few weeks, and be civil for a few weeks. Lately there has been much more tension, and she has been much more distant. I wanted to go to counseling, go to the doctor and she did not want to do it. She got on a low dose of Zoloft but said it did not work. She has an appointment tomorrow and I said the doctor thought it would be a good idea for me to go. I called her to get a good psychologist for me. She did not want me to go, and when I asked why she would not give me a reason. We did not yell or scream, we stayed completely civil. She then said the reason she was depressed was because she did not love me anymore and felt guilty. She then said she doesn't think she ever loved me, and she only loved and loves me as a friend. I prepared myself for this, and saw it coming. I had a strange feeling that today was going to be the last day of my marriage. I almost did not ask the question because I had strong feeling of what the outcome would be. I also feel that she is making a mistake and will find that she is still going to be depressed after me. I just don't know if I will be able to take her back. I don't think I will.

Jordan23
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   Posted 7/20/2011 12:13 AM (GMT -6)   
Anybody, I really need to talk.

Jordan23
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Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 7/20/2011 12:31 AM (GMT -6)   
Nevermind. I guess I'm alone.

HeartsArt
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   Posted 7/20/2011 3:03 AM (GMT -6)   
You're not alone.
I'm not married and I'm not at the age of marriage but at the moment i'm in a relationship and it's crappy because i'm the depressed one in it. You need to get her help even if she doesn't want it. 'Cause if she's been depressed now and before it won't stop after your marriage and she will only suffer. If she loved you once then depression might have gotten in the way of the relationship.

Jordan23
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Date Joined Jul 2011
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   Posted 7/20/2011 3:13 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanx for posting. I honestly believe that her depression is getting in the way. I can't make her get help, she has to want to. The rational side of me believes that this may be the only thing that will get her to get help. I just don't want her to go into a downward spiral.

HeartsArt
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   Posted 7/20/2011 3:54 AM (GMT -6)   
Jordan23 said...
Thanx for posting. I honestly believe that her depression is getting in the way. I can't make her get help, she has to want to. The rational side of me believes that this may be the only thing that will get her to get help. I just don't want her to go into a downward spiral.


Well, you have to stay calm with her and if she told you that she never loved you or she feels guilty because she doesn't love you anymore, most likely it's the depression ****ing up the feelings. I know she has to want too BUT if it's getting this bad you have to really try or it'll get worse for you and specially her. She'll feel pressured, confused, and want to leave and be alone. This will make her life a living hell.

Ashbird
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   Posted 7/20/2011 4:59 AM (GMT -6)   
I am so sorry for what youre going thru.  I have never been married but I have had lots of relationships with friends that dumped me and it was always because of my depression and the fact that these people thought they could rescue or change me. I got dumped because they got frustrated when my depression kept coming back. Just the fact that you have stood by your wife for that many years says alot about you! If she is chosing to end it then I suggest you tell her that you will always love her and be there for her...sometimes severly depressed people will push their loved ones away because they feel they dont deserve love, or as a test to see if the loved one sticks around. Its not always a conscious choice but depression has a way of messing with thought processes! I think you should start thinking about what is best for you as well. Youve been there for her, now be there for you.

Jordan23
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Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 7/20/2011 6:57 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanx everyone. She masks her emotions very well. She does not show them at all, she says she still feels emotion but it seems to be only guilt and anger. She slept fine last night and went into work no problem. I haven't slept yet, my mind still running. I prepared myself for it, but you can never be completely prepared. When I told her I was staying home to get everything ready, get a lawyer and figure out getting her off the bills and mortgage, she didn't seem like she wanted to hear it. I don't think the reality of leaving the home she helped build has set in. This is her comfort zone. She did this once before, and changed her mind and got on Zoloft. She got extremely flustered looking for apartments. I wonder if it will happen again.

It's Genetic
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Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 7/20/2011 8:44 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello, Jordan 23, I think you've probably said what you really intend to
do in the title to your thread. My best suggestion is that you go alone
and talk to a psychiatrist (not a psychologist) about what you are experiencing in the marriage.

Depression often leaves people not knowing what they really want--just what they don't want. Your best effort needs to be directed to you right now so that you have clarity of thought and can go ahead with whatever plans your psychiatrist thinks might be best for your long-term happiness.

If she sees that you are quietly determined to see things changed, it may make her think again about getting the help she needs from a psychiatrist who can properly diagnose, medicate, and counsel her.
That's the end result of what she will need to do in order to save the
marriage after you've been through counseling for yourself to get a
clear perspective on what you need to do for you own psychological
health.

You certainly seem mature and considerate, but enough is enough, as
they say. I'm sure you would agree. Take care of yourself, Jordan 23.

It's Genetic

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 7/20/2011 9:40 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Jordan,

I am sorry to hear about this, but I agree with the others, it is time for you to work on you. The rest will fall into place.

Best wishes to you and your new healing journey..

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Jordan23
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Date Joined Jul 2011
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   Posted 7/20/2011 2:49 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you everyone. Your words help a lot. It is still so fresh that it feels surreal. She hasn't come home from work today, and I can't imagine the amount of tension there will be in the house. I don't know if I am going to stay here tonight. I'm going to try to go to work in the morning, but I know it will be a long day. I just want to get it all done, so I can start the healing process. The last time this happened, she never went through with the plans. She realized she was leaving her home and comfort zone and panicked. I don't think she will do that this time. This time feels real.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
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   Posted 7/20/2011 4:31 PM (GMT -6)   
There is always that chance that she wont be albe to leave her comfort zone again, but regardless of the outcome, take care of you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Crackles23
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Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 96
   Posted 7/20/2011 7:02 PM (GMT -6)   
It sounds a lot more complicated then it seems, but I want to just put my point of view if I may.
 
She says she never loved you, yeah ok this could be depression but what if she really never loved you? People can tell you to go to rediculas extents to find her help, but at the end of the day if she never loved you don't you feel that enoughs enough? Look I understand, but she doesn't want help, there for she doesn't want things to change. Maybe a devorce is best for you, so that way she can seek her own help and you can move on with your life without the dreadful tention.
 
Just putting something from a different point of view, because people seem to think you should be bending over backwards and well this depression thing has been going on even before you met her? So whats going to change now, if she doesn't want to go or want you to go then it doesn't exactly seem like she wants to make an effort.
 
Before anyone comments "oh you don't know what depression is like", I guarantee you that I most defenitely do. But if she wants a divorce, then it's probably actually best for both of you and now you can both move on with your lives.
 
Ofcourse, I'm not saying this is in anyway the right thing to do, but after you seek her help and go through all this hard thornyness, will she leave you anyway? or will it make her feel more guilt.
 
 

Ashbird
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Date Joined Feb 2008
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   Posted 7/21/2011 3:46 AM (GMT -6)   
I think the general consensus is...you need to take care of you! You have done what you could do but even though she suffers from depression, she is still responsible for her choices. Also, do you really want to share your life with someone who just stays sround because its comfortable for her? If she stays then wont you always be wondering if or when she will do it again? Everyone deserves to be with someone who truly loves them and that includes you!

Jordan23
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Date Joined Jul 2011
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   Posted 7/21/2011 3:49 PM (GMT -6)   
It is going to take a while for me to heal. I am to the point where I just want the healing to begin. She still lives here for now, and hopefully will be moving out next week. I just want to start my new life. Fortunately I have great friends who look out for me. I here you saying that she may never have loved me. It's difficult to think that 13 years of your life was fake love. That someone could be that good of an actress, and that someone could do that to another human being for that long.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 7/21/2011 4:09 PM (GMT -6)   
I don't think it is the case that she didn't love you. Because that would of been 13 years of her life wasted. I think it is the depression talking. Or she is confused at this point. Keep your chin up and continue working on you. Whatever is meant to be will be.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Crackles23
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Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 96
   Posted 7/21/2011 8:58 PM (GMT -6)   
Thats good news Jordan23, good to hear your ready to move on. I hope you do everything you have ever dreamed of, life is short mate so get out there and live it up. Come see me in Australia for a holiday :) joking :P
Good to hear some positive progression man and hope all goes well for ya mate, don't let the past get to you and just cherish the good memories you had.
 
Edit: I also don't think she didn't love you, 13 years to be with someone and not love them seems quite inpractical. But Karen is right, you need to concentrate on yourself now.

Post Edited (Crackles23) : 7/21/2011 8:01:52 PM (GMT-6)


Jordan23
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   Posted 7/23/2011 6:57 AM (GMT -6)   
The strangest thing is she acts like nothing happened. She goes about her day as if all is well. She expresses no emotion what so ever. Almost like were are getting divorced is no big deal. I feel like in her head she has already put me in the friend category, and doesn't want to reveal to me who she is. I am struggling with all my emotions, and she has none to struggle with. You would think after 13 years she would have some emotion. It also seems like she had already played this whole thing out, and moved on already well before she said she wants a divorce.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 7/23/2011 7:35 AM (GMT -6)   
Maybe she did Jordan. Maybe she doesn't know what she wants. Just going through the motions. I really don't know what to think. But you will find out soon enough. I am sorry for the outcome of this. Know that we all care about you here.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

It's Genetic
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Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 7/23/2011 7:47 AM (GMT -6)   
She has withdrawn her emotions, Jordan, that's what's happening. It's
very likely that she can't face the situation and can handle it only in this way. People choose to withdraw emotions when they can't manage hate. (Hate is the frustration of the drive for love--if she can't
release it, her only other option is to withdraw her emotions. And
hate isn't the opposite of love--it's the frustration of the drive for love.
Withdrawal of emotions is the real opposite of love.)

You need to concentrate on your own health now if she refuses to do anything about her emotional problems. You need to let the healing process begin for you.

I'm glad that you have friends who support you. That may be the
thing that helps you strongly to recover from this mistake in your life.

It's Genetic

SilentSinger
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Date Joined Jun 2011
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   Posted 7/24/2011 4:14 AM (GMT -6)   
I'm no councelor just in the same boat as you my friend. My GF and I have been together for 18 yrs and she has said some pretty horrible things to me lately. shes been depressed on and off for years and is very much on at the moment. I have been feeling so pushed away that its me that is thinking of leaving. I won't , but, its just so lonely when your best friend isn't there for you and tells you they hate you and don't love you, and all the time you just crave the intamacy that you normally have,yet don't really want it with anyone else. I've just taken her and the kids away on holiday in the hope that it would cheer her up abit and now we are back it seems to be back to the same old same old. I guess at the end of the day when you love someone and have so much history together you will put up with whatever they throw at you in the hope that it will get better soon. but mate.....Its a right headf@*ker. good luck and stay strong.

givinguponit24
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Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 138
   Posted 7/26/2011 3:26 PM (GMT -6)   
That's a very sad thing Jordan. I'm sorry to hear about that. You don't need a woman like that in you're life. Good to hear that you're going to get a divorce but that's a bad thing. I hope you find the right woman in you're life. I think I've heard this story in another post too.
ALLERGIES, ADHD, OCD, BIPOLAR TYPE 1:
Metadate- 60mg, Zoloft- 100mg, Kuvan- 1000mg, Trileptal- 1800mg, Risperdal- 2.5mg, Norvasc-1mg, Lamictal- 300mg, Seroquel- 200mg

givinguponit24
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Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 138
   Posted 7/26/2011 3:31 PM (GMT -6)   
Heartsart I understand that people get depressed but why be in a relationship if you're going to be depressed about it? That's what I don't get. Break up!
ALLERGIES, ADHD, OCD, BIPOLAR TYPE 1:
Metadate- 60mg, Zoloft- 100mg, Kuvan- 1000mg, Trileptal- 1800mg, Risperdal- 2.5mg, Norvasc-1mg, Lamictal- 300mg, Seroquel- 200mg

SilentSinger
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Date Joined Jun 2011
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 7/26/2011 3:53 PM (GMT -6)   
you can't help who you fall in love with, you don't normally get them to take a medical before before you get together. and then once your in that deep is in sickness and in health. I hope you work things out jordan, Just stay strong in yourself mate. Its not you that's depressed, don't let it become that way.

Jordan23
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Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 7/27/2011 11:56 AM (GMT -6)   
My wife is moving out this week. She got a new place already, and the movers are coming tomorrow. I can't help but feel she is trying to isolate herself, which scares me. She has not broke her routine yet. She seems to have become a slave to it. Almost like she is too busy to get divorced. One thing that was mind boggling to me was, i have been sleeping on the couch and her in our bed, my back was hurting from sleeping on the couch so i told her i was going to sleep in the bed. She decided to sleep in her chair. I said she can still sleep in the bed with me, we shared a bed for 12 years. She insisted that she was going to sleep in her chair. I later told her i would sleep on the couch because i get up an hour earlier than her, and had to take my dog out through the living room. She said no. I got up, and took my dog out and by the time i got back into the bedroom to get dressed she was in the bed. She was only going to sleep maybe 40 min more before she got up. She acts like she wants me to do everything dealing with the divorce and she asked for it. I've done a couple of things, like change some of the bills into my name but that's about it. She acts like nothing is happening and it's no big deal. I also feel she is trying to separate herself from me more. She told me that the reason she didn't ask for a divorce earlier is because she was afraid I would not want to be friends. Then a week later she said I misconstrued her words and that we can be friends, like it wouldn't bother her either way. I don't want her to leave but I almost feel like it's the only way that she will realize that it's not me making her depressed once and for all. I just don't want her to get hurt or hurt herself. I have friends that are depressed and have gone through the same thing, and said she'll be calling to hang out within a week or two and want to come back home within a month.
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