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New Member

Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 7/22/2011 3:28 PM (GMT -6)   
hi, i'm new here. this is my first post. so here's my problem: nothing makes me happy. i don't know what is wrong with me. i've been unhappy as long as i can remember. i am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and ptsd and i'm on medications. and i still think of it. my boyfriend doesn't understand it or take me seriously. he thinks that me thinking of  is the stupidest thing. we've been going out for almost 4 months. 2 weeks ago his 2 year old son started living here with us (my bf is going through a divorce). i'm on disability so i watch him all day while my boyfriend goes to work. my mom thinks that's the reason i'm thinking off but it's not. sure it adds more stress to have a baby in the house but i was considering suicide before he even got here. i am trying to be strong and hold myself together for the sake of this family. i don't want to tell my boyfriend i can't handle it but it's so hard to make it thru each day. i worry all the time about people dying or leaving me an excessive amount. i don't feel like i am meant to live. i don't know why i was even born. i'm only staying alive because i love my boyfriend. i used to go to therapy but i don't trust them and the last one i went to just wanted to talk only about my dad who molested me and killed himself. it got really annoying and i figured it was just a waste of time and money. i've been hospitalized 6 times and i absolutely hate mental hospitals. they make me feel even worse and i'm not ever gonna admit myself into one. i feel like no one understands or cares and my life is falling apart. what should i do?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 7/22/2011 6:01:55 PM (GMT-6)

It's Genetic
Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 7/22/2011 4:59 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello, Out of Control, and welcome to the Depression Forum, others
will be along shortly probably to give you their good advice about what they think you should do.

Listening to your post, I feel honestly that you need to see a psychiatriat and be diagnosed and medicated properly so that you may be able to successfully care for the new home you are trying to establish. You know that you must take care of yourself before you
will really be able to care for others adequately.

A baby requires much care and work, especially when he/she is quite
young, and a bonding is important between the mother and child. Are you that close to the little one that you feel she is like your own child?
That may be a difficult question to answer at this point, so you have a second reason to make that appointment to see a psychiatrist, Out of control. New medications now may be able to help you get stabilized
very quickly and be far more able to do the things that will make you
happy and enjoy your life. You deserve that.

There is much more to say, but others would like to talk to you, also,
so I'll be back tomorrow with a little more encouragement if you need it. We're all here to help if we can.

Take care of yourself first so that you may be able to take care of the
precious little one in your charge and your sweetheart and home.

It's Genetic

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42206
   Posted 7/22/2011 6:04 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Outofcontrol,
Welcome to the HealingWell Depression forum.  I had to edit your post because we aren't suppose to discuss suicide on this forum.  But I want you to know we are going to help you as much as we can.  I am going to post some sites that you can go to if you ever feel the need.
 National Suicide Hotline
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
This is a combined network of the Amerian Association of Suicidology, the National Hopeline Network, CONTACT USA, and many other organizations. Call are automatically routed to the nearest crisis center to the phone from which the call for help is placed.
Helpful Web Sites:
Suicide Hotlines (listed by state) (includes Suicide Crisis Center and Depression and Suicide)
I am guessing that your last therapist thought that it would benefit you to discuss your past.  And I take it that you didn't feel that was going to help you.  Maybe you need another approach.  A different therapist to help you.  Therapy kind of keeps us together.  It gives us a safe person to talk to and something to grasp and hang on to when we are feeling like we are falling.  It is so important that you have that person to talk to.  You deserve that much.  So do think about it and see what you decide.  I think it really would help you.
Are you feeling that the stress of the baby is too much for you?  If you are you should talk to your boyfriend about getting some day care to give yourself a break. 
I can't remember if you said whether you are seeing a psychiatrist or not.  I see one along with a psychologist too.  You may want to have him go over your meds and let him know how you are feeling, as some meds can make us feel the way that you do.  If they aren't the right ones for us. 
there are a couple more sites that might help you:
I don't know if these are going to help you or not, but they might. 
I hope that you feel better soon.  Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.  There is usually somebody on occasionally, been kind of slow lately, but you will get responses to your posts.
Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Post Edited (getting by) : 7/22/2011 6:16:42 PM (GMT-6)

Regular Member

Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 463
   Posted 7/22/2011 6:59 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello, and welcome to The Healingwell Site. This is a wonderful forum & community with terrific members. I agree with everything that It's Genetic said. I thought it was  great advice. You really should seek a Psychiatrist that you can trust, and it may take several different ones. But I think with the Psychiatrist and the right combination of meds it would definitely be of some benefit for you.
I do empathize with everything that you have and are going thru. I am so sorry that you have been thru so much in your life. I truly feel so bad for you and wish I could make everything alright for you. I do think it is so important to take care of yourself right now as
with the stress and demands of taking care of a toddler it can truly wear you down. I am a mother of 7-kidz so I do understand being a parent and the demands it puts on you.
I also have suicidal ideation and thoughts on a regular basis. I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar 2 (manic-depressive), Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety/Panic Disorder, Ptsd. I struggle with those thoughts and it is difficult for my husband and family to understand. They think you can just tell yourself to be happy & everything will be perfect...Unfortunately, for me at least, it doesn't work that way. I have had thoughts like that since I was really young & struggled off and on thru the years. I never sought any help & just thought there was something seriously wrong with me. Then last Sept. I attempted suicide & the police took me at gunpoint to the ER-and put me on a lockdown on the Psych Ward (suicide floor) for a couple weeks. This was the first time in my life that I had ever met Therapists & Psychiatrists. I was blessed to have really good ones that I still see on a weekly basis. I do get frustrated at times that they don't try certain meds, but for the most part I really feel lucky with who my Psychiatrist is. I have tried 3-therapists and didn't care for any of them. Except the ones I had when I was in Outpatient for 5-months 5-days a week.
I'm sorry to have rambled on so much. My email address is under the members profile if you ever want to email me. We then can say more things as Healingwell's Policies & Rules state some of the things we are not aloud to talk about. So email me anytime.
I will genuinely be thinking about you and hope things get better.
Your Healingwell Friend,
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