havent posted on here in a while. not sure if anyone will remember me (with the exception of karen) but my name is jess and am 13 yrs old. my nana has breast cancer and is currently in a very bad state. her cancer has spread to her appendix, bladder, back, legs and arms. her leg and arm is super swollen and she cannot do anything. she has no energy and sleeps all the time. she is on 18 pills a day (10 are kemo pills) and 20mls of morphine. this is every 24 hours. she is very down and thinking herself that she should not be alive. nana is the strongest person i know in the world and when i saw her cry in front of me, i ran into the bathroom and broke down. i couldnt handle it. she is 9 hours away from me so i cannot contact her. i have just come back from seeing her though and did alot and alot of crying, not much sleeping, and barley no eating. i feel down myself knowing what she has to go through. the meds she is taking make her annoyed cuz she hates taking them. especially the morphine. she is on the kemo pills for the next two weeks and if the sweling has not gone down and she feels no better, thats pretty much it for her and they will slowly increase the dosage of morphine until she ....(i cannot say that word). i dont want that to ahppen. she means the absolute world to me and if she .... then i will too. when her heart stops, so will mine. i love her sooo much and cannot bear to see her in such a state. i feel weak and helpless. i dont know what to think say or do. i hate this so much and it hurts me so bad. i have been doing so much crying lately and i try holding it back, but i cannot. my aunties and dad and step mum are all telling me that it will most likely be only a few more weeks until she .... the kemo pills that she is taking are not meant to make the cancer go away, because it is too far spread around the body for that. the docs gave it ti nana so she could be more comfortable when its time. i dont mean to sound selfish, but she cant leave me, im not readly for this. i dont know how to handle this. any comments would be much appreciated and sorry this post is so long. i need to get it all out.