Hi, this is the first time I have ever logged onto a site like this. I am from South Africa and English is not my first language, so please mind my grammar!
For too long, I have tried to keep quiet about my Bipolar depression. My husband is supportive, but after 3 years I can feel that he is being fed up with it. My mother doesn't understand it; in fact, she is scared by it. I was on medication and psychiatric care, but I opted out more than a year ago. I am almost 34, my kids are age 8 and 5, and they don't deserve a mommy who is constantly on drugs. I became depending on sleeping pills, ended up in my backyard vomiting my guts out and also in hospital. My eldest son started to fall behind in school, the household was really disrupted.
Well, since I have stopped medication, I can feel that I am about
to loose control. I chose to stop seeing my psychiatrist, but now it has become clear to me that I am about
to loose my mind. All I can do is to drag myself forward, day by day. I get irritated with everything, I don't like to go out in public - when I do I get anxiety attacks, or can't sleep at night and shake while sleeping, sending my husband in a tiff, I am picking up weight, I cry ALL THE TIME, the smallest thing feels like a huge deal, I am constantly nauseous and I get terrible migraines - the list goes on and on, I am sure most of you can relate. VIEW IMAGE
My problem is this: My psychiatrist will not want to start me back on medication, before I don't agree to spend another 3 weeks in a clinic, "for observation". But I don't have the energy for probing questions and sessions with psychologists and therapists, let alone sharing a room with 4 / 5 other women in the clinic. I have done this twice before, always believing I am doing it to get well and to be a better mom to my kids, but I don't think I can do this again. I am too nervous to get back on meds, in case I overload again (taking three in stead of 1, then 4, then a handful, then just wishing I was dead or can go on sleeping forever.) In fact, i am fantasising about sleeping all the time, even now and it's not healthy. I am clever enough to know this. I truly want to get betterm but I don't know how. I have tried doing it on my own, but I can't. And I can't do it on "their" terms, with hospitilisation and medication.
Has anyone gone through this before, and do you have any advise for me please?
As soon as I talk to my husband about it, he nowadays soon starts seeing lights, getting dizzy and will be displaying anxiety symptoms himself, as if I am not the only one allowed to be bipolar / depressed. He was always the strong one and I suppose I could just lay it on him, but now it feels like after 3 years I have to hide it from him, as if he is judging me. I am probably being paranoid, but really, I feel like I can't go on anymore, can't talk to anyone about it and as if I am about to trow something from frustration!