Posted 7/25/2011 4:59 PM (GMT -7)
I have no words to express how much what you just wrote means to me. All I can really say is that it brought tears to my eyes. Even as I am writing this... I wish that I could hug you. If I were to ever talk to you in person I could explain to you everything that I have been through, though it may not be much in comparison to many. Such compassion is not shown to me often. Knowing you are out there somewhere has given me hope.
I graduated from art school around a year ago, and my inspiration comes from Dada art, hence the name. I used to paint so often, but I stopped one day. I didn't have the motivation to keep going. I just hit a wall and could not pry myself away from it. I began to think of everything that haunted me. One night I had seizures, which is not a surprise, because I am epileptic, but this time I had many in a row. When this happens I have to go to the hospital to make them stop. A friend called an ambulance in panic. I can't really remember it, but I do remember being conscious a bit in between the seizures and feeling really calm. After that I wondered if that was what it was like to die, feeling very calm and letting go of everything. I started to obsess over it. Then I began to obsess over my weight out of nowhere. It was really strange, I started to obsess over one thing, then another, and before I knew it my mind spiraled into thoughts racing a thousand miles a minute. I tried to explain that to my doctor, because that is what started this recent bout of depression, but he just doesn't seem to understand.
On my walk home from my doctor's office I was so frustrated with him that I could only think of one thing, and that thing has haunted me for so long. I felt so sick about it. All I do was obsess over the fact that I was stuck, stuck between two choices; to continue as I am, or make a very drastic and permanent decision. Currently I am trying to think of something to work on. If those women in your group can overcome what they did, then I know that I can. It is going to be a long road ahead, but I can make it. I just hope the road doesn't cave in. I can promise you I am going to try. As long as I know you're out there, I know that someone is out there cheering me on, I still have motivation. Again, I don't know exactly what to say. I'm not even sure that my rambling even made sense. Thank you so much for being here. I'm just so glad you are out there somewhere.