Wife says she needs time/space

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Goldfighter
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 7/28/2011 3:52 AM (GMT -6)   
New to these forums and thank you ahead of time for reading a topic that has probably been posted before.

Day started like any other, woke up around 8 am and my wife was already at work. I text her everyday around noon just to see how works going. As usual our light conversation goes about as it normally does, nothing new. Just so happens that I have school this night so I do not get to see her till I get home.

However when I get home I notice that her cars not in the garage so I call to see what's up, no answer. After getting into the house I notice a folded piece of paper on the bed. The note says she's sorry for doing it this way but she is unhappy and needs some time/space and that she loves me. After about an hour or so I sent her a text saying I wanted to give her her time and that I will not call, she can call me when she's ready.

My problem is I automatically go straight to the worst possible scenario, which in turn, drives me nuts constantly unsure of what to do. She has told me in the past that she was unhappy and I attempt to make things better. We also have a fight every few months or so where she likes to bash me about everything I've ever done wrong so not much actual talking about the situation goes on. We have been married for about 9 months and together before that for about 2 yrs.

I would love some advice about what I am supposed to do in this situation as I am completely lost. Right now I am just waiting to here thinking there is someone else or that she does not want to be with me any longer.

As for our fights they usually start because she will go out drinking with her friends (which is fine) but she'll eventually not tell me anything and end up staying out all night while I'm left in the dark worried. To make that worse, when she does finally come home, she comes in and goes about her business as if she did nothing wrong saying nothing to me. I've had to deal with many negative things with her. She's accused me of cheating on her several times once because a women left me a voice mail. She's stayed out all night and left me in the dark many times and when she goes out of town she'll call me and tell me she does not want to come back (this has happened a few times). After she does something we either fight about it or I'll just be mad for a while and then be done with it, I do not bring it up again.

So lost...

Post Edited (Goldfighter) : 7/28/2011 4:30:00 AM (GMT-6)


getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42289
   Posted 7/28/2011 6:39 AM (GMT -6)   
Maybe she just needs the time and space. Though I am so sorry this has happened to you.

Wait and see what happens. One day at a time.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Goldfighter
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 7/28/2011 2:03 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for your response.

How does one wait and just see what happens with something like this that could very well change your future? I'm not good at waiting as I can't help but think negatively.

Chartreux
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 9661
   Posted 7/28/2011 2:03 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm also sorry this happened to you, but it sounds like it was
not a good open relationship, she was very insecure and you need to ask
yourself if you want to go thru life like this, with her disappearing...doesn't
sound normal, if she does come back maybe bring up couple
counseling, get some counseling for yourself as well...
how is this love, as she's left you???
Take this time to think this situation over clearer.
well wishes on this, keep us posted as to how it goes...
**********************************************
* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...
********>^..^<********>^..^<*******

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42289
   Posted 7/28/2011 3:31 PM (GMT -6)   
It doesn't look like you have a lot of choice but to wait. If you don't give her the space she needs, she is just going to move farther away from you. I wouldn't push it right now. I agree with Chartreux, counseling is the way to go. It would help you to have patience. And it could bring the two of you back together.

The ball isn't in your court right now. It looks like she knows what she needs and she is going to get it. Respect that and give her some time to think.

I hope that this works out for you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

CherryBerry2015
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 7/28/2011 4:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Sorry That This Happened
Maybe just wonts some time to herself. Let her have some time and she will call. This could also be good for you to have some time to yourself !

Goldfighter
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 7/28/2011 5:57 PM (GMT -6)   
Tomorrow is her birthday and well because she isn't here I had to cancel the surprise party I had planned and her mom just told me she plans to hang out with a girlfriend tomorrow that I do not particularly trust. I can understand needing time to think and all but going out drinking isn't taking time to think it's just for fun.

Is this all some kind of sick game?

Goldfighter
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 7/28/2011 6:06 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Nobodynew

We used to go out quite a bit before we were married but i found it to be unhealthy and expensive to go out drinking every night. She's told me before that she's bored and tired of staying in the house so I've tried to do things here and there with her and her friends. Apparently doing things a few times here and there isn't what she had in mind.

Honestly I believed her when she told me she was drinking with girlfriends, I didn't have any other reason not to.

As for the ultimatum, I am unsure as to how to go about this. I do not want to lose her and am pretty sure if I were to do it It'd be done and over rather quickly.

Goldfighter
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 7/29/2011 3:24 AM (GMT -6)   
I appreciate your input Nobodynew it is rather helpful. She is currently staying with her mother, and her mother confirmed this.

She hasn't tried to talk to me yet (only been a day and a half) but her mother said she had asked if she heard from me, dunno if that's good or bad.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42289
   Posted 7/29/2011 5:20 AM (GMT -6)   
I gaurentee you if you put pressure on her she is going to back off. And you wont stand a chance. I know that Nobodynew keeps telling you to pressure her, but I strongly disagree with this. But it is up to you. You make that decision.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42289
   Posted 7/29/2011 8:18 AM (GMT -6)   
I have had much experience with depression. Don't tell me what to do or that I am stereotyping. When people say they need space, then they need space. Male or female. You are pushing him to confront her. Maybe he should, but I gaurentee that the relationship will be very testy if he does. There is an old saying, when you love something, let it go. If it is yours it will come back to you. If it isn't, then it was never meant to be.

He can do what he wants. And I can kindly agree to disagree. I have been here a long time. And have seen many relationships come and go. And whenever somebody pushed the issue and made the other person feel pressured, they back off. That is human nature. But like I say, it is his choice. You may be right, but I don't believe your approach to this will help his situation any.
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Post Edited (getting by) : 7/29/2011 8:30:32 AM (GMT-6)


Goldfighter
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 7/29/2011 11:00 AM (GMT -6)   
Oy vey I'm gone a few hours and look what happens lol. You both have very valid points and every person is different so no need to argue on my account. My wife is a very impulsive person so I am trying to incorporate the different things I learn here into my "strategy" if you will.

I thank you both, honestly, I wasn't sure what to expect when I first came to this forum.

BP, from what her mother has told me, does run in their family but she hasn't actually been diagnosed with it

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42289
   Posted 7/29/2011 11:52 AM (GMT -6)   
LOL Goldfighter,

Know that whatever you decide, you will be supported here. I think it is good to get different perspectives from different people it gives you options. We both care about you as you can see.

I hope she does have a talk with you so you can see where you stand in the relationship. I do agree with Nobodynew in the respect that it would be cool if you could take the steps to talk to her. And have more control in the situation. But it seems like you are more of a mild mannored guy and maybe you aren't comfortable with that. I hope she doesn't want much more privacy as it must be hard for you to wait. Are you going to any counseling? I think that it would do you good. I think it would build your self esteem and give you more of an objective point of view on the situation. Sometimes when we are in the middle, we can't see out of the box. I hope you have some resolution soon.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Goldfighter
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 7/29/2011 12:26 PM (GMT -6)   
I appreciate that getting by.

You are correct I am rather uncomfortable when it comes to things such as taking control. I have thought about counseling and am looking into it.

It's hard for me to wait as I am always the one to initiate the conversation after something happens so in my mind it feels as though I'm helpless.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42289
   Posted 7/29/2011 12:36 PM (GMT -6)   
Just know that you are stronger than you think you are. It takes practice though. I really think counseling would do you a lot of good. You will find your strengths and learn how to be assertive with people. Not agressive, but assertive. I have trouble with that too. I don't know how to state what I want at times. But with age I am learning. And I bet she would show a lot more respect if you were more assertive. It can't hurt to try counseling. Most of us do go and it helps a lot. It is always good to have an impartial person to bounce things off of. And they will give you some direction in life too. Let us know if you decide to or not.

And keep us posted as to what is going on.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Goldfighter
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 7/29/2011 12:56 PM (GMT -6)   
Sounds like something I could use.

Somewhat of an update...I didn't call but I did send her a text just saying happy birthday I love you and she did respond saying thank you I love you. Nothing too huge but I'll take what I can get.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42289
   Posted 7/29/2011 2:34 PM (GMT -6)   
I think that was pretty huge. It was nice of you to text her on her birthday. I am thinking that she is happy that you did. And you got a very positive response. I am happy for you.

Keep us posted as to what is going on. You have made good progress. You have been giving her space, as she asked for. I don't think it was intrusive to tell her happy birthday on her birthday. It was nice of you to remember. Some people forget. And then the other person feels bad. And I think women remember these things moreso than men. And I am not stereotyping. That is just the way I have experienced it and saw it. My husband always remembers though, but I am fortunate there. He is very supportive and observant of things.

I hope that your day is going well.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Goldfighter
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 7/29/2011 8:09 PM (GMT -6)   
I've thought about it and incorporated different ideas from you guys into my game plan.

I am going to give her until Friday (unless she tries to contact me). After that I am going to contact her and attempt to establish communication. If she wants to return there are going to be a some things that need to change and be agreed upon before I make my decision. Where it goes from there only time will tell. Whether or not she will be willing to do these things is up to her otherwise we go our separate ways.

You are absolutely correct Nobodynew I have been a doormat (so to speak) for far too long, that will change I promise you.

I thank you both for your advice and for listening.

I'll keep you guys posted on new developments.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42289
   Posted 7/30/2011 9:37 AM (GMT -6)   
Gold,
 
I locked this post because of my arguing with another member.  Not because of anything you did.  Feel free to start another one.  We don't want to abandon you and don't want you to feel we have.  So please do keep us posted on how things are going.
 
Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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