Have turned into an emotional wreck again. It's steadily been getting worse a lot quicker over the last few weeks, but my mood has steadily been dropping for months before that. I keep trying to put up this positive front and then yesterday and today that is just broken. I will have to smile later as we're going to pick up my little sister from camp later. I'd rather my mum did it, but she's working, grans in hospital, stepdads working so duty has fallen to me. Usually I'd be fine with this and would really really want to as I love my little sister more than anyone in the world. But I know what an effort it's going to be to smile my way through today. Today I would much rather curl in a ball and get this out of my system than forcing myself to pretend. It's my nephews birthday on Sunday and we'll probably have to help with party prep tomorrow. That's 3 days of totally agonising inside stuff that I have to keep pushing back inside.
I went to see my counselor yesterday and touched on the surface stuff, but there's somethings i can't discuss still through not being mentally ready for that discussion. He totally gets me, and I love that, but yesterday just wasn't enough, becasue after counselor, I went to meet a friend in town for coffee, which was difficult as haven't seen him in a year after him ignoring me as he got a new girlfriend. Now he's split with her and he's finally free to talk to again, but it feels awkward some how. I think because last year he looked into CF and depression and was scared of me coming to harm. After convincing him I'm fine and not so fragile, now I feel the same way and am scared of my CF and my depression.
Then got the call that my gran has been rushed to hospital, and I don't get on my my gran. Last time I saw her she called me fat and blaimed her chest infections on me (and impossibility, but apparenlty my fault anyway). She's got pnuemonia and anemia and a multitude of other things. She's less than 6 stone and thinks she looks great. She's like a walking skeleton. She had a gastric band fitted and she's took it too far. I get very mad at her and yesterday she again mentioned my weight, but what can I do? I'm visiting her in hospital after all. My gran is ill because of things she has done to herself. She has become anorexic and belimic (how do you spell that anyway:/) and it's hard knowing she has done all that to her self, and trying to make her understand that. She was having to have blood and thinking she'll be out of the hospital by the weekend. If they let me out in the condition my gran is, there would be trouble. I find it very difficult to have any sypathy for her, and that is a very new feeling for me. Infact it's so new it's currently sitting in my stomach like a bubbling tar pit because I don't quite know how to deal with that emotion yet. I am usually very accepting of people and their differences and even when I get annoyed, it is never more than that. I'll get angry and hit pillows and things, but that's never becasue of anything certain, not because of one person and their choices. What is wrong with me this time that I can't handle this? :(
So then my brother rings, and he sounds unwell. He needs to go in for IV antibiotics and he doesn't think work will let him. Now my brother has Cystic Fibrosis like me, and I'm very mad at his work as I know the implications of him not treating a lung infection and the damage it could cause. He works so hard all the time, and never complains. He just gets on with it and never expects anything. He's a person to admire. It makes the feelings about gran worse though. He does the same regime as me to make sure he keeps well and gran wont even go see a doc let alone do anything to help herself. It makes me so mad.
I know this all seems targetted at my gran, but depression wise, it's not. Not seen or heard from my gran in months, so not really thought about her til now. There's just a billion other things that I can't keep my mind on top of.
At what point is it ok to shout STOP, because that's what I really want to do right now. But well, I have to stay strong for my nephews party at least, then I guess I have next week to crumble in on myself.
At the minute all I need is a cuddle and someone to talk to, and I don't have that. Haven't been seeing any of my friends and to see them at this point and put this burden on them wouldn't be fair. Talking to my counselor is great, but he's off next week, and I think I need someone now. Could meet friend I met for coffee yesterday but he's at work all the time. Hubby's no help either and being in the house all the time with hubby makes it harder to talk to him about stuff.
I feel so strangely alone and not wanting to be alone, but then also wanting to curl up in a ball and be left alone. How on Earth does that work? :(
Hey, I'm Gem with CF, age 25 and diagnosed at 2 years old. I'm from the UK and say weird things sometimes. I'm no expert but I've lived through a lot of CF stuff. Diagnosed with:
Cystic Fibrosis, Asthma, ABPA, Clinical Depression, Mild Liver Cirrohsis, Mild Oste
openia, Erythema Nodosum. Waiting for final diagnosis on Muscular Dystrophy type thing.