Can't stop being stupid

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CountryMouse
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 7/29/2011 11:00 PM (GMT -6)   
My boyfriend and I argue like most couples do but he thinks it's much worse. He is an alcoholic and I am very moody (I wouldn't go so far as to say I am bi-polar because I tend to have mediocre highs and lows).

Today's argument started simple enough - we share a car and he was 20 minutes late calling me to tell me he would be an hour late picking me up from work... I was upset to say the least but not because he would be late but because he didn't answer the phone when I tried calling him. I get crazy if he doesn't answer the phone and I dialed his number probably 15 times in the 20 minutes it took him to call me. He was furious that I would call him that much. He had a legit excuse as to why he was late but I think that still doesn't excuse him for not letting me know sooner that he would be that late. He ignored me all night and I couldn't stand it any longer... I went to the living room where he was sleeping and I asked him to come into bed. All seemed to be ok. BUT he insisted on listening to his headphones at full blast which was keeping me up. I feel like he did that to play mind games on me and to make me mad. I asked him if he was doing it on purpose and he blew up at me again. Now he's broken up with me and said our relationship is in ruins and it can't be fixed. I admit that I am not super happy every day but I smile when I think about him and I can't imagine being without him. We have been together for 2 1/2 years and I have asked him to go to couples counseling but he refuses to go. I am lost. I don't know if I should just leave him or try to make this work. I DO know that what we have is toxic in the state it is in now but it could be so good if I could just stop being so needy. I'd like to go to counseling by myself but I tried that a couple years ago and felt like I was boring the counsellor - she didn't seem interested and really didn't offer any insight on my concerns.

All I want to do is to go out to the couch now and try to hug him (that would put him through the roof I know). I will try to stay strong. Is anyone going through the same thing? I'd really like to talk to someone. -C.M.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42434
   Posted 7/30/2011 6:34 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi C.M.,

What about counseling again? Would that help you? One thing you need to learn as never assume what the other person is doing if you don't know for sure. He could of very well been playing mind games with you or he could just be inconsiderate.

And when these smaller issues happen, try to put them behind you. Try not to dwell on them, that makes us stew. And then we get more mad.

It sounds like the two of you lack communication. And there is a lot of assuming going on when that happens, Nobody is sure what the other person is thinking or doing.

I would try counseling again and see how that goes. Do you do things with your friends, or do you just mainly hang out with him when you aren't working? It is good to have a life outside of the relationship. Then you aren't always counting on him.

Let us know how things are going.

Keep us posted.

Hugs, Karen
 
PS liviing with an alcoholic is hard, and will be as long as he doesn't get treatment.  I am sorry about that.  Does he get mean when he drinks?  I sure hope not.
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

CountryMouse
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 7/30/2011 2:53 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Karen,

Thank you for replying to my post. I am looking into my insurance for a counsellor - we have a paid employee assistance program. I would like to try it again... I seem to bottle my bad emotions so when they do come out it is in a title wave. Not good. Having a non-judgemental third party to talk to would be nice (writing my post seemed to help too last night) :)

Before I left for work today he told me he loved me but he didn't want to talk about what happened. I honestly was just happy to hear that he still loves me. I am home from work now and he still doesn't want to talk about it but he said we can work it out. I think we both just need time to think. I am 29 and he is 28 and we are old enough to know that our problems can't work themselves out overnight. He likes to talk but only when he is in the mood. Which certainly leads to me to assuming and our lack of complete communication.

As for my life outside of our relationship, I work a lot (probably close to 50 hours a week) and I go to the gym. I also have lunch with some close girl friends every other week and I am on a co-ed sports team that meets once a week. I have a pretty nice social life actually. So I seem normal on paper but what's not normal is how I react and think (DWELL) about things. Especially in our relationship. It gets me down because I am always thinking the worst with him. He has certain triggers when he drinks that will lead him to either be the most snuggly and loving guy you can imagine or very sarcastic and judgmental. Most of the time it's the former but when its the latter I cry every time.

This feels very good to just let this out and know someone is listening. Thank you very much. I appreciate your time Karen! -C.M.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42434
   Posted 7/30/2011 3:48 PM (GMT -6)   
I started taking a mood stabilizer awhile back and it has really helped me. It makes my AD meds work better and it stops me from obsessive thinking. Something like that might work for you. I take abilify and it is rather expensive, but there are others. That might be something that you want to consider.

My first husband was a lot like that. He never wanted to discuss any arguements that we may have had. But I eventually learned to put things behind me and move on. I don't know if that was good or not, but it helped me survive 23 years of it. It doesn't do us any good to dwell on things, life is just too short. I know that it is hard and it does bottle up inside of us, but we have to find healthy ways to let things out. But having a partner that doesn't want to go over past issues makes this hard. I found out to just leave them in the past, and if they come up in the future, then deal with them then. If it is anything important, it is going to eventually resurface.

It sounds like you do a lot of things on your own. That is healthy. I am happy for that for you. Working 50 hours a week is a lot. And going to the gym and seeing friends takes up a lot of your time. There doesn't seem to be too much time for dwelling and that is good. So practice mindfulness. Stay in the moment, or in the now. Take life one day at a time. You should be fine especially once you start counseling again. Are you going to see a psychiatrist? They help you with medications. And as for mood stabilizers, you can probably even get samples for awhile.

I really hope that this works out for you. Keep me posted.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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