Wife said she needed space

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Goldfighter
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Date Joined Jul 2011
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   Posted 7/30/2011 9:04 PM (GMT -6)   
This is an update from my last thread. No worries Getting by I pretty much assumed why the other thread was locked.

So I find out today that my wife isn't even in the state, she left to go party with her friends in Texas. I pretty much lost it at that point and told her it was over. She said she didn't like coming home to someone who seemed angry all the time and where she couldn't be herself. Maybe I do seem like I'm angry a lot I don't know but the fact still remains that she went about all this in the worst possible way. I love her but at this point I feel it would be pointless to try and talk to her as she does not like to admit she has done anything wrong (she usually just walks out instead of listening to me).

Is there still hope? If she does want to be with me how do I get over the fact that the trust that I had has now been lost?

*Edit* to make matters worse I found out that she has had the plane ticket since the beginning of the month. It's like she had this entire thing planned.

Goldfighter
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Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 7/31/2011 2:56 AM (GMT -6)   
I understand completely and thank you for sharing your story. Her mom, however, didn't lie to me. No one knew what was going on, just my wife. She told her mom she would be hanging out with a friend of hers that lives out here and no one would be the wiser until I saw an out of state transaction on our checking account.

It's really hard since this has been mentally exhausting. I do want to talk to her but I won't be taking her back unless she's willing to change, if not then we're through.

Goldfighter
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Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 7/31/2011 11:09 AM (GMT -6)   
Not sure If you're reading that right. I'm not defending my wife by any means just her mother.

Chartreux
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   Posted 7/31/2011 1:04 PM (GMT -6)   
Gold, I'm sorry about this situation your in and urge you to seek out help with counseling
and go on from there...
Keep us posted as we do care...
**********************************************
* So many dx's I could write a book* "It would be nice if we could use the edit button in real life"...
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Goldfighter
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 7/31/2011 3:26 PM (GMT -6)   
@Chartreux: Thank you, I am looking into counseling.

@Nobodynew: I am not considering you an enemy I just thought you were talking about something else. I have been very appreciative for your advice and stories. You're right I don't have to listen or take advice from anyone else, ultimately the decision is mine alone to make. Maybe I do keep changing my mind, it is a very confusing situation given the circumstances. Maybe I enjoy the abuse I don't know. My point here is that this forum is intended for people to discuss their problems and seek advice from others. Whether or not that individual has possibly made up their mind does not mean there is no point in talking about it any longer.

On a side note I was not in anyway defending my wife though it may sound like it, I was defending her mom who had no idea what was going on (she's on my side).

If the person I mostly deeply care about is willing to change would that not benefit me the same if not more than said person being unwilling and losing them forever?

I would like to believe that when things look their darkest there is still a glimmer of light to be found for those who look.

Post Edited (Goldfighter) : 7/31/2011 3:07:53 PM (GMT-6)


Goldfighter
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Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 7/31/2011 6:32 PM (GMT -6)   
Agreed, she has put me through a lot and I'm not saying that all will be forgiven because there was a trust that was broken and needs to be regained. At the same time I feel I owe it to myself to at the very least have a talk with her and see if she's willing to listen. I believe after talking with all of you that I am prepared to do what is right for me in the end whether it be attempting to strengthen a bond or ending it and attempting to move on.

Again everyone is different as I'm sure you are well aware, and as always I thank you for taking the time to read and post. As for the other locked thread do not worry it didn't hurt my feelings but at the same time other people obviously can view the thread and may be in an even more fragile state than I and could take something such as strong advice the wrong way. I have no problem with you speaking your mind and I can assure you that I haven't been swayed by any emails or anything like it.

As for the depression I'm pretty sure I am suffering from something. I have been tested for PTSD but the test was inconclusive.

Goldfighter
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Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 8/13/2011 3:35 PM (GMT -6)   
*Update*

It's been a while since I've updated on my situation, it has been a roller coaster ride.

We had been working on our situation, she was still at her mothers but I would continue taking her out when she said yes and all was somewhat ok with the outlook of getting better.

One night about 4 or 5 days ago I was bored and looking at the phone bill, I saw roughly 700 texts (in 8 days) being sent to 1 number. When I confronted her about it she told me it was one of her girl friends but something felt wrong about it. I called the number and it ended up being a guy but not just a guy, her ex boyfriend. They were texting throughout the day into the late hours of the night and there were pictures being sent also some during the day and some after midnight. Not only text messaging was going on, I soon found out that after we would go out I'd take her home and she would tell me she's going to bed but instead she would call her ex. I confronted her once again and she told me she didnt realize she was texting him so much and that she wasn't calling anyone when she told me she was going to bed. She claimed her phone was doing it, now I could see that being the case for maybe a 7-9 min call but not 30 min. They have been chatting for several months and I'm assuming that was right around the time she started locking her texts.

I felt that I was the only one trying to accomplish anything and just being lied to at every turn so lastnight I ended it. I think I'm the only one in the marriage that ended up heart broken in the end.

Post Edited (Goldfighter) : 8/13/2011 2:42:43 PM (GMT-6)


Goldfighter
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Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 8/13/2011 7:54 PM (GMT -6)   
Thx SueTho, yea pretty stupid lies but I think it hurts more since she does not seem to care at all and just continues to tell me it is what "I" wanted. Whatever helps her sleep at night I guess.

Mrsnyums
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/13/2011 8:16 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Goldfighter

I was just reading your posts and wanted to say that I'm really sorry that you've been through such a rough time. I think you've been really strong in ending it and it really sounds like the right thing as neither of you seem to be in right place to be with the other. Sounds like you both have stuff to work out. I hope you continue to move forward and are not made bitter by your experience. Something to think about, anger is usually a 'lid' for other emotions and if you can sit with it quietly for long enough, you may be surprised at what comes up for you.

All the best to you.

Goldfighter
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 8/13/2011 11:42 PM (GMT -6)   
You're right Mrsnyums we both have things we need to change the only difference is I was willing to do these things with my wife but she was not. The woman I fell in love with and married chose the wrong path and broke my heart.

Serenitee
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 463
   Posted 8/14/2011 12:35 AM (GMT -6)   
Goldfighter,

Hello, I just read thru some of your posts. I'm sorry you were being treated quite harshly but pleez know we are all not like that. Glad there was others there for you. Sometimes it is very difficult to move on without the one we love, & it hurts extremely deep when they lack caring of any kind. I am sorry that you have been going thru such a difficult time & thank you for sharing your story as personal as it is. Pleez keep coming back...I think you have an amazing heart and I wish you all the best. If you ever want to chat my email address is listed in the members section under my profile...just click my name.

I wish you all the best.
Your Healingwell Friend,
Serenitee

CassandraLee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 900
   Posted 8/14/2011 11:06 AM (GMT -6)   
Goldfighter:

I'm very sorry you had to get hurt like this. Feeling betrayed is a very difficult feeling to live with. But as much as it hurts, I am glad that you now have all the facts and was able to make a decision with them. Now you can gain some control back in your life and work towards putting it back together again.

It will be a painful journey. It could be helpful to seek counseling and of course please keep posting here. It's good to get those hurt/angry feelings out and deal with them. I know you may be leery for a long time but please know that not all women are like that. There are many of us out here seeking honesty and fidelity as you are.

I wish you the best.

Cass

applevenus
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Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 934
   Posted 8/14/2011 12:17 PM (GMT -6)   
Sounds like she wants out but she wants you to end it. She might think she's sparing you by staying with you, but she can't have it both ways. Just sit down with her and tell her you can be separate/divorced and not have to hate each other. Give her an "out."
46F, Caucasian, Fibromyalgia, Vitamin D deficiency

Goldfighter
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 8/14/2011 4:38 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you all for your kind words of wisdom and encouragement, words can not even begin to describe how hard this is.

I am actually a disabled war veteran, I lost my right leg in combat about 4 years ago which is in turn how I met my soon to be ex-wife. I would rather re-live that pain 100 times over than this.

I will definitely be back, I have a long road ahead of me.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 8/14/2011 5:52 PM (GMT -6)   
Goldfighter,

I am so glad that you posted. I didn't think you were going to to be honest because it had been a while. I am sorry about the loss of your leg. That must be difficult.

Do keep posting and know that we care.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Goldfighter
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 8/15/2011 2:39 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Karen, yea I had a lot to deal with but you're stuck with me now lol.

As for the leg thing, it was difficult at first but I'm used to it now.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 8/15/2011 3:05 PM (GMT -6)   
We are glad to be "stuck" with you. I always thought that you were a nice guy. And I still think that. You are in a difficult situation right now. I hope that you are working through it. Let us know what is going on and how you are doing. Know that we are all here for you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Goldfighter
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 8/17/2011 6:32 PM (GMT -6)   
Wanted to get some opinions on this: sent my wife a spreadsheet from her text messages during the month of may. I had highlighted all the texts to her Ex, this was her response.

Her: Ok, I don't understand why u sent it to me... I saw them and I know I did wrong I didn't realize I was texting so much... I just needed someone to talk to and he was the only one that would listen.... nothing physical ever happened with us. It was what some pep would call emotional cheating... we only ever talked about u and then just random stuff. All the pics where of the dog and there was a few from us aswell then I think I sent some from my friends wedding. I know u wont believe me but just thought I would speak a little. And like I said the other day when I called u... im sorry and I love u

Then I replied: The ones I sent you were just from the month of may. That means that this has been going on for quite some time now, only you and him know just how long. I would really love to believe you as I love you very much but how can you not know how much you are texting? There is even a counter next to the name on the messaging apps. If you were to have seen that I was sending pictures at 1,2,3 in the morning to a person who you had found out to be an ex of mine what would you think? I know I'm hard headed at times but there were many other ways to go about this, I don't know what to believe anymore.

And finally she said: I wanna say that's when everything started... In may cuz he was working at midnight rodeo and Brit and I gave him a hug and that when he text me asking about the az license. Im tired of defending myself... like I said I thought I was texting everyone like that I guess it just started to get to comfy where I didn't realize it. But yeah ur right I Prolly be pissed about it but I know u better and I know u would send dirty pics and I wouldn't either unless it was u. And plus he's 1000 miles away if he was here I would understand even more. I guess the only thing is believe urself and not what others are saying not even me. There's nothing else I can say.

Any suggestions?

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 8/17/2011 7:09 PM (GMT -6)   
I don't know if I would trust her just yet. For some reason it sounds fishy to me. I don't think she should have any reason to be texting her ex. But I don't know the situation between them either. I would be cautious. Emotional cheating isn't good either. It can lead to other things. I don't know why she is hanging on to him, but she is. It is like she wants her cake and eat it too. Tread lightly here and wait and see what she does next.

She is still interested in you, it is obvious. But for some reason I just don't buy her story and I don't know why. I hope others give their opinion because I could be way off.

Just don't rush into anything.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Goldfighter
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 8/28/2011 12:35 PM (GMT -6)   
*Update*

So I did what everyone told me not to, I let her back in...I know I'm a dumb ***. Anywho, I caught her in another little stupid lie and decided to ask her best friend for advice.

Her friend had said she would talk to me even though she didn't want to get involved, so I waited. Finally I decided to get the ball rolling and texted her friend.

She responded - "I Can't get involved, it is just not my place I'm really sorry. All I can say is if you can't trust her it will probably never work out."

Me - "I understand, it's not like I don't want to trust her it's just how can I with all that has happened...I just want to know if she's been faithful and hasn't cheated on me."

Her - "Just trust your instincts no one will know the whole story except for her."

Me - "I'm gonna lose my mind"

her - "I would feel the same way but you will be fine in the long run."

Me - "Wish things hadn't turned out this way"

Her - "I do to."

Now I haven't been in very many relationships, in fact, this is the longest one I've been in. But what her friend is basically confirming what my worst thoughts were...I think.

*edit* Her friend was present with my wife when she went out of state for her birthday when she told me she needed "space"...her ex was there to.

Post Edited (Goldfighter) : 8/28/2011 11:38:10 AM (GMT-6)


getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
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   Posted 8/28/2011 12:46 PM (GMT -6)   
Goldfighter,

It is obvious that you can't trust her. She is constantly lieing to you. It does sound like her friend was trying to let you gently know that you would probably be better off without her. It sounds like something is going on with the ex, if he was there at her birthday and you were home alone. I am so sorry, but this relationship doesn't sound healthy by any means. I think you would be a lot happier moving on. There are many fish in the ocean. You will find another woman. One that you can trust.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Goldfighter
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 30
   Posted 8/29/2011 12:53 AM (GMT -6)   
You are right Karen, I can not trust her. I got a new piece to the puzzle today...my wife has been saying for some time now that she has been visiting a certain friend, she said she was with her this weekend also. Well, I contacted said friend and asked her if my wife was there when she (again) didn't answer her phone. Her response? "I have not seen your wife since the beginning of July." July?!?!

Needless to say I again ended it (this time for good). My wife responded with "I know you won't believe me but there is no other guy. I just needed space from the world. I hope you have a good life now that I'm not in it."

So she needed space from me which turned into space from the world? Holy hell I think she is so lost within her lies that she can't even do it well anymore.

Again, thank you everyone for your continued support.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 8/29/2011 8:44 AM (GMT -6)   
When somebody lies like that, you never know when they are actually telling the truth. PLus they tend to believe their own lies after awhile. It is a sickness within itself. I am glad that you are parting ways. Don't let her keep you hanging on by a thread. It is time for you to start your own life. And you can do this.

I think you are right about her being lost within her lies. She is falling apart, and you don't need to be there this time toi pick up the pieces. Let her live her life and you start a new one for yourself. One day at a time.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

worriedgirl
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Date Joined Apr 2009
Total Posts : 1208
   Posted 8/29/2011 4:34 PM (GMT -6)   
Goldfighter said...
Wanted to get some opinions on this: sent my wife a spreadsheet from her text messages during the month of may. I had highlighted all the texts to her Ex, this was her response.

Her: Ok, I don't understand why u sent it to me... I saw them and I know I did wrong I didn't realize I was texting so much... I just needed someone to talk to and he was the only one that would listen.... nothing physical ever happened with us. It was what some pep would call emotional cheating... we only ever talked about u and then just random stuff. All the pics where of the dog and there was a few from us aswell then I think I sent some from my friends wedding. I know u wont believe me but just thought I would speak a little. And like I said the other day when I called u... im sorry and I love u

Then I replied: The ones I sent you were just from the month of may. That means that this has been going on for quite some time now, only you and him know just how long. I would really love to believe you as I love you very much but how can you not know how much you are texting? There is even a counter next to the name on the messaging apps. If you were to have seen that I was sending pictures at 1,2,3 in the morning to a person who you had found out to be an ex of mine what would you think? I know I'm hard headed at times but there were many other ways to go about this, I don't know what to believe anymore.

And finally she said: I wanna say that's when everything started... In may cuz he was working at midnight rodeo and Brit and I gave him a hug and that when he text me asking about the az license. Im tired of defending myself... like I said I thought I was texting everyone like that I guess it just started to get to comfy where I didn't realize it. But yeah ur right I Prolly be pissed about it but I know u better and I know u would send dirty pics and I wouldn't either unless it was u. And plus he's 1000 miles away if he was here I would understand even more. I guess the only thing is believe urself and not what others are saying not even me. There's nothing else I can say.

Any suggestions?
i do know what its like when texting gets away from you. i text and i dont always realize how much i text. i also talk to an ex boyfriend, actually two ex boyfriends but my husband knows about it and i let him see any texts that are sent, although i didnt at one time which cause problems because i thought he would be angry but  he was more angry that i hid them. im not saying your wife is lying but i do think maybe you two should talk about boundaries and whats going on. why did she feel he would be more comfy than you? are you the type of guy your wife can come to? im not saying you are not but there  has to be a reason why she felt more comfy talking to him than you which may not even be related to you.

worriedgirl
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Date Joined Apr 2009
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   Posted 8/29/2011 4:38 PM (GMT -6)   
but i guess i should have read more of the post to know what was going on. im sorry about your wife. some dont know what they have until they lost it. i take back my advice as its not pertinent anymore
The only person who can make you happy is you. Be your own self and love who you are because each and every one of you are wonderful for who you are


"No one really dies because they have loved. Because they love they stay in the hearts of the people they have touched so in that their memory lives on." Ghost whisperer-i know corny but this touched me deep down and i see so much truth in it.
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