Wife never is passionate- ??

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meloman2003
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 7/30/2011 10:46 PM (GMT -6)   
I am at an impass. I have been married to my wife for 7 years and me the idiot is now realizing that my wife never initiates any sexual activity. It is always me doing that. I really can't remember the last time my wife was all on me.
 
The last 2 months I have gone into a mode where I try to initaiate sex, but when it looks like- ok lets get this over with, I am not even wanting it. We have used a sex toy "the bull" for the past 7 years (since we had kids) or so during sex 90-95% of the time and she always gets her climax and so do I. There is never any love put into it by her. I try to kiss on her, but she is like a lets get this over with no touching kind of attitude.
 
We have 3 kids and she complains because they are touching her all day, so she doesn't want to be touched by me. I do everything I can for my family, working 50 hours, letting her work 12 hours, cooking 1/4 of the time, cleaning after her (she cleans after the kids, but never after herself), laundry 1 time per wk, lawn, and so on... We sit every night and I rub her feet while she rubs my back, while we watch tv for an hour before bed.
 
I do find myself touching her on occasion just to make some sort of contact and that is not good. I have tried not touching for a month and still same no sex outcome. I have taken her to different getaways and it is still like she has to have sex. not that she wants too. I have taken the kids to my parents for days at a time, even leaving them there so we have time to ourselves and still not happening.
 
I finally flipped out the other day, because we where in bed and I was horny and she says oh get out the bull, the usual lets get this over with way. I got it out and started trying to kiss her and get her in the mode of actually wanting it and just not having to give it and she wanted none of that again! So I threw the bull against the wall and said I was sick of this and went down stairs to sleep.
 
We have so much in common, as if she is a mirror image - like the person that likes everything you like including sports! We where made for each other- except for this department lately. We started our relationship having sex a lot pretty much until we got married. As if this is suppose to happen to every marriage! I have seen my dad suffer his whole life because of my mom not wanting him and I have seen people cheat because their significant others don't have sex with them.
 
I am not into the cheating thing, but I cannot watch my life go by not being totally happy. I want to talk to her, but she never wants to. She is very solid and doesn't ever cry about real life. Kind of a get over it attitude. We have text before about this months ago and she says its her. Then she just text me last night saying she was sorry she was making me unhappy.
 
The last time we where having great sex was before the kids 7 years ago and would get **** movies to watch together. She is now scared to get movies or go to shops, I think afraid of someone seeing her she knows, which I understand.
 
I really realize why most men cheat on their wives, because there is nothing going on at home and the opportunity comes along during that time. But there are some dogs that do it no matter what the situation is.. Why do women let the situation come to this? And I am not blaming women, it is obviously the mans fault for being unfaithful, instead of getting a divorce. But is a divorce, what women want instead? I resort to the internet to fill that gap, but I want my wife back!
 
I think talking through this is the way to start, but how do I start that talk with a person not wanting to talk about our relationship? Should I text her while I am at work? That somewhat seems the way, since she text me sorry and never says it ti my face...
 
Where to go from here?

Post Edited (meloman2003) : 7/30/2011 10:24:09 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 7/31/2011 9:15 AM (GMT -6)   
Is she on any kind of medication? Often medications do something to the libido and women lose their sex drive. Especially antidepressants.

It sounds like ;you have done everything under the sun to try to get her going. Maybe she has just lost the drive. Some women just get tired and it is the last thing on their minds. It could be hormones. I don['t know. But it seems like you have really tried to please her. It sounds like you both do a lot. I hope that this works out for you.

Maybe you could try some games. Or some fantasies. I dont know. I hope others have some ideas for you.

Best wishes, If I think of anything else, I will post it. Early for me and my mind isn't working good yet. If it ever will.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

meloman2003
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 8/2/2011 9:04 PM (GMT -6)   
She takes ibprophen everyday like it has to get her through the day/night. Nothing besides that and her birth control. Past few days she has tried advil pm, but still ins't working.
 
I took her ino a room and talked to her Sunday night. I really don't know what is going to happen. She blamed herself for not satisfying me and says that she is tired come evening and really doesn't want another thing on her list of to dos. Pretty much that it is a chore! She doesn't feel good about herself to do anything exciting and feels older then when we where crazy 7+ years ago. The thing is she doesn't do anything about it. I told her if she doesn't go to the doctor and get sleeping pills or figure out what is going on then nothing will change.
I told her to go today (Tuesday), because I was off work. Did she even go? NO!
 
She said that her passion is when we sit and rub at night to watch TV. That is great, I fulfill that every night, what about my passion? She said she doesn't like to makeout, (which I guess is my fault, because I knew that from the get go), but she loved sex and me. She says she loves me very much and is not sure what to do. She said what about a hobby together. I came up with Yoga every night on the wii, before we sit and watch TV. Well I can tell you what we haven't done!.. She doesn't like running.
 
2 nights since talk (did I mention, she didn't cry at all during the talk), she has gone to bed at 9:30p.
Before the talk, I talked to her multiple times on the phone and waited for the end of the coversation when you hang up for the I Love You and NOTHING! She said during the talk that she would try more kisses and hugs and I love you's, which she has. - 1 win
 
I just don't know how long to wait. Obviously 2 days so far! lol   TBC

cmurph2845
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 8/2/2011 9:12 PM (GMT -6)   
Well birth control can do some crazy things depending on the level of hormones it gives off, so dont count that off. But I ould definitely recommend some marriage consulting. Maybe she has some issues that she just isnt comfortable talking about, hang in there!!!!!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 8/3/2011 5:37 AM (GMT -6)   
Going to counseling together is a good idea. That might help you to get closer and more intimate. I can understand the tiredness. And not wanting to do anything, what about changing the time to morning? Women usually like it better than men, because men often get so relaxed afterwards and a lot of women get energy. Maybe give that a try??? I think that the counseling would help you to really open up to eachother. Maybe she needs some vitamins? Something so she isn't too tired at night.

I hope that this helps some.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

bambola_2nv
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 72
   Posted 8/3/2011 12:42 PM (GMT -6)   
How was her childhood growing up? Did her Parents show any affection towards her ???? this could be a problem. My husband and I are totally different in that way. Im more affectionate than he is. I was brought up with love and affection and he was brought up with love to but i dont think with hugging and playing with his parents etc.. Now that i have not gotten the affection I needed and missed. I gave up on my part and no matter how many times i bring it up its still the same.
"Giving up is not an option"

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 8/4/2011 5:47 AM (GMT -6)   
Sue,

I just wanted to welcome you to the forum. Thanks for giving advice from your point of view. It is truly appreciated.

I hope that you continue to post. We always welcome new members.

Hope you are having a good day.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

meloman2003
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 8/4/2011 7:46 AM (GMT -6)   
Her father is very solid and doesn't show anyone love. Mom, she probably did but not that much. She doesn't really like her mom and how she takes care of the our kids like 8 hours per week. So if that has any bearing, then we know how she grew up!
I understand it might get better when the kids move out or whatever, but I can't wait 16 years to find out if that will happen. Again just like the husband, I don't know what will happen to me by then... Opposite?

I think it is time to try steps.

Step 1: How to help her get comfortable with herself?

She does not even touch herself ever! How do I get her to try without pushing or being rude?

How do I get her to exercise? She is quick when she needs to be, but I am sure yoga or some sort of exercise would give her some energy.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 8/4/2011 8:30 AM (GMT -6)   
What about suggesting taking walks together. That really helps where the energy is concerned.

She has to learn to be comfortable with her body on her own. But maybe get her some lotions or bath salts... Something sensual...

It is hard being a mother. The energy just doesn't last throughout the day. Have you ever given her a massage? With some oils or something???

You can't tell her what to do, but you can drop some subtle hints. Just try not to offend her.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

bambola_2nv
Regular Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 72
   Posted 8/4/2011 8:32 AM (GMT -6)   
How about going to a sex therapist?
"Giving up is not an option"

Jim1969
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Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 8/4/2011 8:48 AM (GMT -6)   
What was your wife like when you were dating? Did she seem to like being close to you, being in physical contact, or did she seem a little "distant" even then? What was her attitude like about sex before you had any children?

I know it may be hard to be objective in your memories of the earliest part of your relationship because you were in that exciting, mixed up, wonderful falling in love stage that tends to color things, but thinking about and remembering how things really were might give some clues as to what is going on with your wife.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.

meloman2003
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2011
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 8/4/2011 11:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you SueTho for you interest and help.
 
I love my life so much and I have told her thousands of times that I wouldn't mind staying home with the kids, if she wanted to actually pursue her career that I pay for in teaching. I don't mind the kids. Yes they can get annoying, but it is worse for her because she just lets them cling to her and doesn't tell them to go play away to give her space.
I try and leave work early because I want to get home to my family! I love being with my family, unlike my father who I didn't see growing up because of work or my brother who would purposely not come home because of his family( he got divorced and comes home normal now to his new wife).
 
As I said at the beginning, I have asked her endlessly to get into the school district, but she doesn't want to sub to start. 4 years of college and we are still paying 12 years later.
 
We are however at a question with our 3 year old and going to school in the districts k-3 program all day. The wife is torn, at that which is free or paying $35 a month for a 8a-11:30a pre-k. The child going all day, would definately encourage her to pursue the career. Although during talk, she said how would things get done around the house if I do this new job. I said I would obviously help more and there would be less to do overall, because of no one being home to make it a mess! Just laundry. She would have off summers and be home by 3:30p- what a life!
 
Jim- I think our relationship was maybe too high right away. She was my manager at a store and we ended up hooking up when I was 18 and she was 22. We where a secret for 3 months until she went on to teaching and we could be official in the store since she wasn't my boss. We had sex a lot and anywhere. It was soooooooooo exciting! Passion passion passion! We would watch **** together, which would drive her crazier for me and just be crazy for 5 years. Then the STOP sign came out, the kids are here!
We stopped all of that. Again, I just don't know how it just stopped and never came back.
 
I am kind of looking up right now. Next week should be a better week. Not sure why, but I just feel it! The family is going away for a few days. Maybe she will make a doctors appt for next week!
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