Posted 7/31/2011 3:28 PM (GMT -6)
I moved 2,800 miles away from home in February, thinking the grass would be greener. It's the first time I've lived on my own. I have some family here, and a couple friends. And a boy I have a crush on. I got a job and an apartment right away, but a week later I got fired. My dad is essentially paying for everything from the other coast, and I feel so spoiled. I'm not sitting on my hands; I really am looking for jobs here, but no one is hiring! Anyway, long story short: I don't know if I want to do the jobs I could get hired to do. I know that sounds snotty. Sorry. The city I'm in is cold and rainy even in July. There's more of a culture shock moving here than I thought there would be, and I want to go home. I signed a year lease, and I'm feeling like that was a dumb mistake. There's a boy here who likes me, and I like him. We've been spending time together, and it's really nice. I feel stupid, because he was an added bonus of moving to this city, but now both he and I are sick of the weather and want to move back to the other coast, where we grew up. Either of us could just pick up at any moment and move, so there's no point in "dating" each other. He's the first person to make me happy in a really long time, and now we can't be together? He told me yesterday to do what I wanted and not factor him in, which makes sense - but it makes me sad. I don't know what to do.
My dad suggested that if I don't find a job soon, I break my lease and come home. Most likely I would live with my parents temporarily - but then what? Grad school? There's a program in the city where my parents live that I started and quit. I keep telling myself to call the professors and ask if I can be re-admitted. What is wrong with me? Another part of me is trying to find reasons to move to the city the boy I like wants to move to. Again, as stalkery as this sounds, as a bonus feature. The city is actually one that I thought about moving to before I knew that he wanted to. It's complicated. I don't think he thinks I'm a stalker, but I feel like if I were him I would think I was a stalker. Or at least factoring him in to my future plans. Which I don't have. I'm on crazy drugs - and Lithium has not helped in the least. Sorry. This is long and whiny. I just hate feeling like this. This boy likes me, warts and all, and we can't be together? We basically had a break-up conversation before we were even dating. "If we ever end up in the same place, you know, maybe..." It made me feel so empty, because I knew there was nothing else to say in that situation. What is wrong with me? We haven't been hanging out that long (we've been e-mailing for six years though) and I don't know why, but I had this fantasy where he asked me to come to the same city with him. I told my psychiatrist this story and he said maybe the boy would do that. "Who knows?" After I left his office, I felt worse because I know that that would never happen. That's not realistic, and made me even more depressed...
My apartment is also on the 'ground floor' (AKA the basement). It's dark and weird.