I am 22 and an only kid. I used to have a brother but he died when i was 15, and my life pretty much went down hill from that. I am a girl, and I am engaged to another girl. I love her more than life and we have been together for 11 months. Due to a lot of issues form my past, I have major major trust issues, and it's making my life a hell. She doesn't know this, but I don't trust my gf. AT ALL. She does know that I don't trust her completely and she is willing to wait until I am there. She has lied to me in the past about 2 things, however they were not big and I have forgiven her. We have awesome plans together : Get married, have 3 kids, and grow old together. But I keep this thought in my head...that everything will fail. Not just with her, but my whole life.
My parent's think I am straight (I am bi). They HATE gays. My gf is gay and they hate her. They have suspected for a while that I am with her but I keep telling them that I am straight, so that I don't have to tell them yet. I will tell them when I move in with her so that they can't control my life anymore. It stresses me out very much though. I am constantly sad. I am VERY very happy for about 5 minutes of the day when I am with my gf, and then when those minutes of bliss are gone, my negative thoughts start to kick in. I am constantly feeling and thinking of the worst things possible. She said that she will be with me forever no matter what. I am scared though. I don't trust her, and I don't trust myself. I know my parents will hate me when I tell them about my relationship.
What I need more than anything is a distraction. I think... I'm not sure what to do, to stop feeling so sad all the time. I feel so alone 24/7 even thought I have someone who will share this life with me. I want to stop thinking, I need a distraction....something. I need to escape these feelings because they are killing me inside, and they are getting worse and worse.