New heartache for me

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Aurora60
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   Posted 8/2/2011 3:43 PM (GMT -6)   
My son was engaged to a girl he had dated for 4 yrs. The wedding was all planned. Things went horribly wrong and he ended up breaking up with her. She had very serious psychologic problems, one being severe bulimia which he couldn't put up with. For the past 2 yrs she has contacted him off and on but he has never answered her. She recently left him a voice mail saying she was in a program and part of her therapy was to make amends and apologize to those she had hurt. He listened to the message and told me about it. I was very upset after their break up as she had treated him so badly. Today he tells me that he called her just to say he was glad for her apology. They talked for over an hour. She met someone else after him who she knew for about a year and she is getting married in 2 weeks. She also told him that she is now living in the same city as he, about 4 blocks away from him. She told him she still loves him and not a day goes by that she doesn't still think about him and misses him so much. I am so upset I can't focus on anything.
How can she marry another guy and still tell my son she loves him and thinks of him every day. My son says this does not bother him, he feels lucky he did not marry her. His problem is that he has dated a number of girls since but has not found a relationship and he feels he is very unlucky in love. He worries he will never find someone and he very much wants to settle down. I have told him that he may sound too needy but he assures me he doesn't act that way. I try to be encouraging but there isn't much I can do, only try to sympathize.
I thought this girl was out of our lives. When they were together she lived here but moved away when they broke up. All of a sudden she is back and with a new person. From what my son said is sounds like she is just settling for this guy. Also the program she went to was just a 3 day workshop. How can you solve your problems in 3 days.
I think if he asked her for another chance she would cancel her wedding to be with my son. I know she is very troubled. I wish she had never contacted my son but they know some of the same people and he thinks he would have found out and it would have been worse than having to find out directly from her.
My problem - why am I so upset about all this? I was so glad when he was finally over her. She hurt him terribly and it took him a long time to have the desire to date again. I feel so bad for him as he feels his friends all have relationships or at least girl friends. He tells me he thinks he is unattractive which is just the opposite. He is a true gentleman and very carying and all around a great guy. He owns a condo and has a successful career. This girl created such an upheaval in my life and now I feel it is starting all over for me. And probably for him too because I know she won't leave him alone, married or not. Please somebody give me some perspective on how I can manage my anger and my desire to call this girl up and rage at her. This is making me sick all over again.
 
Aurora

getting by
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   Posted 8/2/2011 5:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Aurora,

Your son said it didn't effect him. Let's just hope that it didn't. Have faith that your son has enough sense not to get hooked up with her again. I am sorry that this is happening. But try your best to ignore it. Have confidence in your son's good judgement. I think she is sour and he knows it. Sour like sour grapes. I remember you telling us about her and all you and your son went through at the time. I hope that you don't have to go through that again. I wouldn't react to her. I would wait it out and see.
And maybe remind your son of the type of person that she is.

Try not to relive the past. It will only make you depressed and angry.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

cmurph2845
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Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 8/2/2011 5:03 PM (GMT -6)   
Well I think the best thing you can do is just be there for your son, and keep encouraging him. Its really not your place to be yelling at the girl, as he needs to handle that situation. Just keep reminding him how much you love him and that your there for him.

Aurora60
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1257
   Posted 8/2/2011 6:18 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks, Karen and Crmuph,
I think my son is handling this very well. He truly doesn't care about her anymore and is glad he dodged a tremendous bullet. I guess since I just heard all this today I am having trouble with my anger. I treated this girl like a daughter. There was so much emotion on my part, and all the countless times my son literally cried on my shoulder. It is hard for me not to have all this resentment building up in me again and I know it won't do me any good.
I no longer have her phone # or email and I wouldn't do anything because my son would be very upset with me. I guess I have to take his word that he is over her. I just don't understand why she would move back to where we live. The thing that worries me is that despite the fact she is getting married I don't think she will leave my son alone. I think she would cancel her wedding if he asked to get back with her. She is that unstable.
I know this is my problem. I am writing all this as a way to release my anger and frustration. It is the only way I know how to handle the situation right now.
 
Aurora

cmurph2845
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 8/2/2011 6:40 PM (GMT -6)   
Sometimes venting is the best medicine. It can be wierd about how releasing your anger and frustration can lead to a calm solution. Good luck !!

theHTreturns...
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Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20134
   Posted 8/2/2011 6:54 PM (GMT -6)   
cmurph2845 makes good sense aurora. know that i am here for you. jamie
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

Aurora60
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1257
   Posted 8/3/2011 10:24 AM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for all who replied. I am still struggling with this issue with my son. I have such pent up anger and resentment towards his former fiance. I feel I could just say terrible things to her and I want to make her feel as bad as I do. I know I have to leave this alone and I have no way of contacting her anyway but I can't get my anger to subside. I barely slept last night I was in such a state. I know I have partly done this to myself but she is the root cause of all the heartache my son and my whole family has endured over the past two years. How is it possible for her to marry someone else but at the same time tell my son she still loves him and thinks about him everyday. This does not make sense to me. If her heart were in this marriage she wouldn't be saying such things. I am just worried that she will continue to call my son and that she will eventually get to him as he does not have a girlfriend right now and he feels alone. Please give me some suggestions to better channel this terrible anger I feel.
 
Aurora

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42281
   Posted 8/3/2011 11:50 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Aurora,

It is obvious that you do see this situation for what it is. She sounds coniving and the type to go whichever way benefits her. If she has her way, she would string them both along. Which what might be what she is trying to do. When your son tells you things, always point out what a manipulative you know what that she is.

For channeling your anger, are you able to go for a brisk walk? That always makes me feel better. Keep your mind busy. Maybe go out to lunch or treat yourself to something nice. She isn't worth all the emotions that you are feeling. It will just drain you of your energy and vitality. I can see that you are stewing about this and that isn't healthy for you to do.

Know that your son does have a good head on his shoulders. Being that he told you about her calling him, I don't think he plans on going any further. But if he were talking to her and not mentioning it, then you got something to worry about. He is being open and honest with you, and that is an important factor in this situation. Feel confident that he sees her for what she is. He remembers the hurt that she put him through. And maybe them talking will help him to move on. Sort of finalize everything. So this could be more positive than we realize.

Do keep us posted, and know that we are here for you. Take a walk or go shopping. That always helps. If we have the extra money to buy things. Something little for yourself to make you feel good.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

CassandraLee
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Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 898
   Posted 8/3/2011 2:09 PM (GMT -6)   
Aurora: I fully remember the devastating heart-ache that you felt for so long for both you and your son. As you said you loved and trusted this girl as your own daughter and then you had to watch your own son grieve. As a mom I can fully understand why you are so angry now and want to strangle this girl for getting in touch with your son again.

However, it sounds like your son is keeping this all in perspective. Whether or not its the right thing, she is getting married again and he has moved on with his life. And it sounds like he was perfectly ready to take the news and stride and keep moving on with no further contact, right?

At this point, I'd recommend you keep writing and let out your anger this way. I understand and agree as to why you have it. But it would be a huge mistake to contact her in my own humble opinion.

Keep hanging in there!

Cass

Aurora60
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1257
   Posted 8/3/2011 5:35 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Karen & Cass. It really helps me when I get replies and advice. I would never contact the girl, I am just feeling like I would like to strangle her for infringing on our lives again. I know my son says he is fine with her getting married. It worries me though that he feels like he is so un lucky in love and doesn't even have a steady girl friend. I tell him he needs to be patient, that the right one will come along. I think this is his biggest problem now that he so very much wants a relationship and marriage. But I keep telling him it has to be right and he can't force it to happen.  When I saw him today he seemed moody and I don't know if that is because of this situation or if he was just stressed from work which is usually the case. I do know he wonders how she is getting married, the big nut job that she is, and why can't he find someone. I think he may appear too needy but he says he is not. But then I am not a girl dating him.
I will try my best to dissipate my anger the best I can. This is not easy as it brings up so much from the past and all those bad feelings and the hard time on our family. It was even hard on his dad and stepmom who saw all this going on.
I just need to be reassured that I will be able to handle this terrible anger. The time before was just such hurt. Now I feel rage that she can all of a suden enter our lives in such an insidious way. I am trying!  Thanks again for your advice.
 
Aurora

Jim1969
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Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 8/3/2011 7:19 PM (GMT -6)   
I can certainly understand your anger. In some ways I am in the same situation you are, only my son is currently serving a 2 year jail sentence because of his ex-girlfriend and her family.

I have and still do have a lot of anger towards them but for the most part I have managed to let most of it go. I did it by telling myself over and over again that they are not worth it, that carrying around all of it is not going to do anything to change the past, it is not going to make the present or future any better. I keep reminding myself that if I give into my feelings and confronted them in any way that I would actually be making things worse and that I may not be able to be here for my son once he is released from prison, and that is more important than anything that I might say or do in regards to them.

It was a daily, actually a minute by minute struggle at first, but as the days went by it got easier. I still have flashes of that old rage inside of me anytime I see any of them around town but now I can banish it to the winds fairly quickly simply because I worked hard at doing it the first time, the second time and so on.

Focus on being there for your son no matter what happens. Support him and love him and trust him to make the right decisions. It sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders and he knows what this girl is all about.

Oh and maybe tell your son to quit "trying so hard" to find the love of his life. When he stops really looking for it the right girl will come along. I got married at 25 to the wrong girl for the wrong reason and it lasted all of 6 months. After that I just "gave up" trying to find someone and concentrated on making my life what I wanted it to be and just on being happy. A couple of years later I met my current wife and we have now been married for 12 1/2 years.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.

Aurora60
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1257
   Posted 8/3/2011 7:54 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi jim,
Thank you for a very thoughtful and meaningful reply. I am sure you understand the anger and rage I am feeling right now. My son was with this girl for 4 yrs and I saw things that were triggers to her behavior. As you know we have to let our children lead their own lives so I never said anything and what good would it have done.
I am going to have to work hard at being able to release my anger but I am trying. I guess this is all so new and I thought this person was out of our lives for good. To think that she would move 4 blocks away from my son seems like she had some kind of a plan.
I have been good with him, listened and gave advice only when asked. I know he is trying too hard to find someone. He has dated a lot of girls this past year but not found a connection. I tell him not to be discouraged, that the he will know when the right one comes along but he is very impatient. He is still young enough, 32, and if he wouldn't be so needy he might have more success. I think because his former fiance is getting married that he too feels he should have found someone by now. I remind him that I married at 22, was married for 15 unhappy years and am still single. I just never found anyone and I have been OK with it all these years.
I really admire the way you were able to handle a very difficult situation. I am glad for the advice you have shared with me and I too am going to work hard at letting the anger go. I had actually recovered from the upheaval she caused in our lives the first time only to have her appear again. But I will not let this get me down the way it did before. My son comes first and I am glad I have such a good relationship with him.
I truly wish you the best in regards to your son. I am sorry for the situation that got him where he is but you sound like you will be ready to support and care for him when he returns to you.
Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I am here for you if you need someone to talk to or share a thought with.
 
Aurora

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42281
   Posted 8/4/2011 4:36 AM (GMT -6)   
Happy Thursday Aurora,

Just popping in to say hello. And to wish you a good day. Channel that energy and put it to good use. My grandmother taught me to clean when I was upset. She said work is the best medicine, of course I was cleaning for her, lol.... But that is what she would do. And I saw it many times. Plus got dragged into it many times. But was thinking of you this morning and wanted to say hello...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Aurora60
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1257
   Posted 8/4/2011 9:36 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Karen,  I am feeling better about the situation today. I have talked it out with several friends and that has helped me. I can't get myself upset all over again. My only wish is that this girl leaves my son alone once she is married. She hated Chicago and that is why she moved so why is she back and living so close to my son. I think it was all planned on purpose. I know he wants nothing to do with her so I hope it stays that way.
I went to my volunteer job yesterday and just happened to run into an old high school friend. It was nice to see her. And today I am going to work in my garden and that is always helpful. Just flowers but they are pretty and I have a lot of weeds to pull. We have had so much rain. 8 in. in one day.
Thanks for checking up on me. It really helps me get through the day knowing someone is looking out for me.
 
Hugs,
 
Aurora

Aurora60
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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1257
   Posted 8/4/2011 12:49 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Karen & all HW friends who responded to me,
I want to update you on this whole situation with my son and ex fiance. My son came home for lunch today and we talked this out. He truly has no feelings for this girl anymore, in fact he left behind anything he felt over a year ago. He told me he is glad she is moving on and that under no circumstances would he want to have married her. That made me feel so much better. He does believe she purposely moved to Chicago near him so she might re-establish some form of contact with him. She even told him after the breakup that she would one day move back to Chicago and live near him. This sounds so irrational and nutty. He said he can now see after being with her in a relationship exactly what he does and doesn't want in a relationship and marriage. So I guess she actually did him a favor. I am sure her objective is to "run" into him somewhere but he says he would just ignore her. He has truly moved on and I couldn't be more proud of him. He really has his head on straight. And I am now able to let go of my anger and make peace with this. Now I am hoping he is able to find a good relationship. He is a terrific kid and would make a very good husband.
Thank you all for your support.
 
Aurora

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42281
   Posted 8/4/2011 5:29 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Aurora,

I am so happy that you had that talk with your son. Now you can rest assured that he has no interest in her. She does sound like a piece of work, doesn't she. I hope that she stays away from him. Sounds like she likes to stir up trouble. There are a lot of people in the world like her. I hope that she gets happily married, though this type of person is rarely happy or contented with anything or anyone.

I hope that you are feeling relieved now and can put the other feelings aside. Try not to let her get to you. That only gives her power. You are too special of a person to have to deal with her tactics. And she will eventually get what she deserves I am sure.

Take care and have a wonderful evening. I spent the day with the grandchildren. It was a blast.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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