New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

MissRiley
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 8/4/2011 2:45 PM (GMT -6)   
I want to hold on but I feel like running.  How do I sit back, relax, and give things a chance to fall into place?
 
My husband is an angel and together we have weathered many storms, the largest has been my depression.  This angel of a husband was affectionate, constantly complimentary, patient and doting.  He put me on a pedestal to say the least over the years.   Not long after we married I crashed into a deep depression (for many reasons) and turned into a cold, intimately unavailable, mean, difficult human being - a stark opposite of the woman he fell in love with.  I didn't recognize myself either and the pain of my depression was indescribable.  I was convinced I would never ever feel good again and it was an awful, scary place to be.
 
He practically jumped through hoops those years to make me happy and rarely if ever complained - assuring me each day that he'd never leave me.  Flash forward almost four years and I'm slowly but surely crawling out of my depression cave and although I feel much more balanced emotionally, I'm rattled by the place I've found my relationship to be in.  My relationship just feels totally different and I feel devastated.  He's abrasive, distanced, and totally preoccupied by the "calling" he found a passion in over those few years.  Aside from his day job he found a love working with animals on the side.  Something I love myself but don't have the time he has to devote to it.  We've started a small business and he puts in many hours of volunteer work.  I feel overwhelmingly clingy, needy, weepy, codependent, and jealous.  All of those are unhealthy feelings as far as I'm concerned and I don't know what to do to quiet them.  I've definitely voiced my concerns to him and he basically just says that he's not going anywhere and the rest can be summed up as... he needs time to come back around because I've been unhappy for so long.    
 
You know, it's not even like there's another woman.  I feel like a fool being so insecure when the thing that preoccupies his thoughts and spare time is only shelter animals and not another romantic relationship. 
 
I'm sorry this is so long but it's the first time I've EVER posted anything in a forum and I guess I've been dying to reach out for some support.  There's a lot more that can fill in the blanks but I'll leave it off here and hopefully someone will share their ideas about how to calm my insecurities and keep them from destroying what feels like a last chance to survive for all of us.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42613
   Posted 8/4/2011 7:06 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi MissRiley,

And welcome to the depression forum.

First of all, take a deep breath. Have you ever thought of meditation? It is quite easy to do and gives you a calmness about you and calms the atmosphere around you. I would think about it, and think about maybe going to counseling. That is the best place to start. It sounds like you need a boost of self esteem to me. Otherwise you wouldn't be feeling insecure.

Can you and your husband sit down and talk? Is he open to discussion? Some men are and some aren't. But I would explain to him how you have felt supported by him for many years and ask him if something has changed. Or something to that effect. Let him know that you truly cherrish all the support and love that he has given you all these years and now you feel some distance between the two of you. I would take this one day at a time. Try not to draw any conclusions until you get some answers from him.

Can you go with him sometimes when he volunteers? Not all the time, but share a little of what he is doing. He sounds like a wonderful man, but maybe your depression has effected him. Which isn't your fault, this just sometimes happens. He probably supported you and didn't have support for himself, and it is possible that he may need counseling too.

Know that you haven't done anything wrong. You went through this the best that you could. Now it is time to learn about it and work on some things for the both of you. He could just be tired. I am sure he loves you with all of his heart. Try to get him to open up and take it from there. Maybe make a llist of a few things that you would like to discuss with him. Maybe do it in a neutral place somewhere where you both are comfortable.

Hopefully others will pop in with some ideas.

Keep posting.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

MissRiley
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 8/6/2011 1:05 AM (GMT -6)   
Yes, I do try to meditate, perhaps not well enough or often enough:)  You are very correct, the years of dealing with my depression have definitely taken a toll on him and the more I try to get though each day, the more I feel that we've reached a point of no return.  We argue constantly and there's a lot of anger and resentment on both sides. I was very angry and disappointed with him just before my depression took me over the deep end for those years.  Tonight was a particularly painful explosion of emotions and although some alcohol (on his part) did play a role, much of what he screamed at me was raw truth.  He swears he adores me, but there's pure disgust in his tone and reactions to me.  Although he wasn't crazy about the counseling idea, yes, we did sit down recently and address my concerns about feeling lost etc.  He says that he's still the same person and that he still loves me...but I don't feel any of that on my end.  There are way too many layers going on to ever have it make any sense in a forum like this. 
 
The simplest for the moment is...We both have full time day jobs.  He's just started a rescue group of his own and that alone is another full time job.  We have also talked about being able to move in a direction where we can look at the option of starting a family.  I'm ready to really and truly work on our relationship and do everything it takes to put us back together.  I already feel neglected with the time he puts in on evenings and weekends at the shelters, now we're throwing an additional HUGE commitment into the mix with starting up a rescue.  Any time I try to voice my concern for when he will possibly have time to work on our marriage he gets angry with me, tells me I'm being selfish, and makes it sound like I'm forcing him to give up his 'passion'.  I don't want him to give it up.  I'd like to be able to share that joy with him.  I just want him to recognize that our marriage and making it solid should really come first.  No matter what I say or how I try to get that point across he just gets...ANGRY. 
 
I am so, so, so, so sad.  I can't stop crying.  I feel like I've lost my best friend and the life I had right in front of me.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42613
   Posted 8/6/2011 8:39 AM (GMT -6)   
Some people devote their lives to saving animals. This could be the case here. I suggest you try to share in that. Could you help him with this? Do you think it could bring you closer together? I kind of think it would. Maybe you aren't passionate about animals though. But could you give it a try? That way you two would be working together for the same goal.

Other than that, I don't know what to say. The counseling would help. It really does. If you two could go together to a couples counseling session, I think that would be great. I am afraid he is going to follow his passion and I would like to see you be a part of that. It is very therapeudic. Animals love unconditionally.

Take care, I hope that this works out. I truly think you love eachother and that is your strong point.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 8/6/2011 2:23 PM (GMT -6)   
Gettingby always comes in with the real solutions for many of the posters on the forum, and she's right because she has lived through years of depressive illness to come out on the other side into a mature marriage and enjoyment of her talents.

You have the same potential if you will apply your ability. I've often
understood marriage to be a relationship between two mature people who have independence in their lives and meet at some point with
their great love in a momentary time of intimacy and then go back to their solitude and independence.

The only way I was ever able to establish that was to take a religious
view of life: the protection of others, myself, and trying to love even
when the going got tough--and it does in every marriage at some
points in time. You have to believe in something greater than yourself in life to rely on for comfort, trust, assurance, and love of a high, enduring order.

Human love is wonderful in many ways but not necessarily the be-all and end-all. Thank goodness your spouse has directed his libido into something that's protective and helpful than into something negative and destructive. Gettingby is right; try to find something positive in his work and maybe you will, in time, enjoy it. Better yet, (for me) find something that you really like and enjoy. Do you play bridge? Or enjoy gardening, or painting, or development of your talent whatever it might be?

She is also right in suggesting that you get an effective counselor to work with you if the going gets really unbearable. I would say that you have a high percentage rate of success with the intelligence and quiet observance that you already have.

I wish you the best and hope you will continue to post as needed.

Take care.

It's Genetic



To the group on the forum: sorry I haven't been available to help
in the last several days but have had to testify in a trial regarding
an automobile accident 5 years ago when an uninsured motorist
caused me to be hospitalized with injuries and my insurance company
sued him since he caused them to expend over $50,000. in benefits for
me with my uninsured motorist's coverage.

Before it was over, both sides agreed with me about it all, and
finally stopped looking for things. It was an education, let me tell you!
I've been resting for two days since! Ready to go again now to help
when you wish.

I.G.

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 8/6/2011 3:58:15 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42613
   Posted 8/6/2011 3:13 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi IG,

I am glad that you posted. Five years, eh? That shows how backed up the system is. I am glad that it is over. And I am glad that you were taken care of when you needed it. I am glad that your insurance covered that. I am happy that you got some rest. And you sound like you are up for some challenges. Though the forum has been slow this weekend so far. But you never know when somebody is going to post.

Have a great day.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 8/7/2011 7:36 PM (GMT -6)   
What a nice post, Sue Tho, very intelligently written. I have just a few comments, however:

One of the most basic needs of the human spirit is the need for a belief
of spiritual value. We aren't permitted to discuss religion here, but I
would like to say one thing only regarding it: much of depression may be that we fail to have standards that follow high levels of rational thinking. Religious values strengthen rational thinking and behavior.

Secondly, having a child is a natural desire in people who share an
intimate and loving relationship. And children are one of life's greatest gifts. If people only understood the chemistry of depression and the
correction of chemical imbalances, it's possible that they might have the enriching experience of a child in their life.

Thank you for your great post; I enjoyed it and am glad you've joined the forum.

It's Genetic

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 8/7/2011 6:39:19 PM (GMT-6)


It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 8/8/2011 11:05 AM (GMT -6)   
No, SueTho,

Religion is something you think does not exist; that does not make it invalid for those who do have a belief.   Unfortunately, because
you do not conceive of religion as being existent, it is not possible  to know that it can, in effect, be highly existent and functionally effective for those who do believe.  It's a controversial issue, unquestionably, and perhaps that's why the forum rules ask us not to post on the subject except in such passing statements as "God bless you", etc.
 
We do not agree at all about these things, and I think we must agree to disagree, which is part of the forum rules, as well.
 
I know what you meant about children in a home where depression is present.  I was pointing out that it is possible for those who are depressed to find encouragement and hope for a healthy life if they recognize the chemical imbalance and what can be done for assisting in development of healthy living.  This disease is not incurable, and everyone needs encouragement about healing; that's what we're here for.  I am aware that the MRI can reveal changes in fields within the brain that indicate depression.  I wish specialists would do some research with MRIs regarding reduction of depression with the removal of caffeine and alcohol from the brain.
 
I recognize the invaluable contribution of medicine for the treatment of depression; in some cases, however, it has been inappropriately applied and patients are the victims. 
 
I try to stress where I can the effective positive elements that life offers all of us.  More than almost anyone, the depressed person needs reassurance and caring concern.  In our own ways, each of us tries to do that, I think.
 
Thanks again for the post.
 
It's Genetic
 


 

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 8/8/2011 11:38:01 AM (GMT-6)


It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 8/8/2011 3:51 PM (GMT -6)   
SueTHo,

I agree to disagree but will always stand for values that are inherently
valuable in my life and have been shown to be valuable in the lives
of millions. I am wary of calling people fools.

You have the right to your thoughts and ideas, definitely.

It's Genetic

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42613
   Posted 8/8/2011 4:41 PM (GMT -6)   
Let's get back to Miss Riley's post and do agree to disagree. It is true that religion isn't to be discussed on the forum, but we are allowed to say things like "my prayers are with you" or "God bless you". But talking about religion is too touchy of a conversation. So let's put this behind us and go back to supporting Miss Riley.

Thanks for understanding.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 8/8/2011 4:44 PM (GMT -6)   
Certainly, Karen,

I understand, believe me.

It's Genetic

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42613
   Posted 8/8/2011 4:55 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks IG,

Your posts are very much appreciated as you know a lot about depression and natural ways to fight it. I always enjoy reading what you have to say as we can fight this with our diets and our lifestyles, though I do need meds too. But I have learned a lot from you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42613
   Posted 8/8/2011 7:45 PM (GMT -6)   
I mentioned that we aren't to talk about it. for or against it. If it is brought up one more time, this thread will be locked. It looks Sue if you want to antagonize an argument. That is not called for here. You are too critical about what people say. You said that you would agree to disagree as IG said. So let's drop it. This isn't doing Miss Riley's thread any good.
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Tuesday, September 25, 2018 9:39 PM (GMT -6)
There are a total of 3,006,678 posts in 329,377 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 161843 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, Shield of pistis.
322 Guest(s), 8 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
M60 tanker, Rainy cloud, HeartsinPain, Tredye, Kristin93, Journee, Pratoman, Cajun Jeff