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Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 38
   Posted 3/23/2005 9:47 PM (GMT -6)   
I don't know if anyone will have any advise for me or not, or even have any sympathy for my problem, but about a week ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 8 months.  I'm 27 and he's 39.  The age difference has nothing to with the break-up and was never an issue for either of us; I just thought I'd mention it.  Anyway, he is literally the nicest guy I've ever known.  He's good looking, successful, I have a good time with him, he's very supportive, and I know he would never do anything to hurt me.  We are also both at that point in our lives where we're ready to settle down.  I guess I don't know what my problem is.  For some reason, I'm not as attracted to him as I used to be.  I don't know why.  I should be totally in love with this guy.  Part of the problem is that an ex-boyfriend is showing a lot of interest in me again.  I had intense feelings for him but I've been hurt by him before and I don't think he's very reliable.  Why can't I just be happy with guy #1?  I don't think I'm afraid of commitment or anything like that.  I think I'm going crazy or something!!!!

Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 253
   Posted 3/25/2005 12:24 PM (GMT -6)   

Hi Gretchen..

Well dear, affairs of the heart are something that we really don't always have the answer for, until we look at it from decades away.

Yes, I do sympathize with you.  For the most part, we each need that one special person in our lives and, it is the Very Rare individual who is fortunate enough to know, the instant they lay eyes on someone, that "he is The One." 

As I read you post, certain points stood out to me.

1)  He's nice.. 2) He's good looking.. 3) Successful.. 4) You have a good time with him.. 5) He wouldn't hurt you... 6) You're not as attracted as you used to be.. 7) You Should Be totally in love..

When I "analyze," those statements, I see nothing about how you Feel about him, nor do I see anything about how he is in love with you.  I do not see the kind of attraction that keeps a husband and wife together forever, no matter what life throws at them.
Gretchen, there are a lot of "cutsie," sayings about what love is or does.. one being, "Love is never having to say, 'I'm sorry.'"
Bunk.  Love humbles itself and, is hurt when others hurt.  Love says, "I value you, respect you and cherish you For Who You Are and... what can I Do For You...?"  Real love does not say, "what can you do for me?"
Love puts the other person first, always.  And, when you have two people who go thru life that way, always putting the other one first, you will have mutual respect and bond that grows naturally and effortlessly to stand against all odds.
Love endures long and is kind; love does not envy the other person and love isn't proud...  Love doesn't intentionally hurt the other person; you can't do that if you are apply all that I suggested in the last three paragraphs.
And, love is not based on physical attraction, though that is what normally draws us to someone.  At my age, I will testify that what you were at 20 all seems to find its way to your ankles at 60 and, that's when you see the person for who they are inside, and love That, not the physical beauty.. My husband still calls me his "bride," even though I look like Mrs. Haversham... But, he doesn't see that; he sees Me.. who I am in my heart.
True Love grows out of respect, committment and patience.  When those things are there, it is a wonderful thing.
And, as a last note, when the ex-boyfriend shows interest, it strokes our ego.  We are still desireable.  Not to say that he is not the one (you will have to work to find out) but, that is one very real factor in our response to the situation.
Whatever you do Gretchen, Be Sure.. Once the feathers are all out of the pillow, and blown down the road by the breeze, we can never put them all back in.

We get through this one day at a time.. :)

Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 472
   Posted 3/25/2005 2:56 PM (GMT -6)   


I read your post about your issues on men in your life. From what I gathered, sounds to me like you aren't devoted to your "older" man. That is evident since you are showing interest in return to your X. I think the question is whether or not you want to go back to your X, why you broke uo in the first place, how long you have been apart, wheat he can offer you as opposed to thee other, either way. It might behoove you to take some time to see exactly what YOU want and what will make YOU happy. Disguard what they have told you.  Your happiness is the most important thing but caution....remember why you split in the first relationship. If you don't want the older guy, (yea, I'd be 18 yrs older) send hi this way! Just kidding.



There is no such word as can't. Can't simply means wouln't. Grab as much as life as you can. Future is a long way away for those who don't believe. Don't build a foundation of life on sand. It will take it away with the tide. Love a little more, be unkind a lot less.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2004
Total Posts : 2284
   Posted 3/30/2005 10:47 AM (GMT -6)   
Only you can determine what is right for you. I know that I have often felt like the grass is greener if you know what I mean bu tthrough mediation, prayer, and self examination realize that the best chance I have for a successful relationship is with the one I am currently in. Good luck in finding the answers you are looking for.

We can respond to irritation with a smile instead of scowl, or by giving warm praise instead of icy indifference. By our being understanding instead of abrupt, others, in turn, may decide to hold on a little longer rather than to give way. Love, patience, and meekness can be just as contagious as rudeness and crudeness.


New Member

Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 4/1/2005 11:24 PM (GMT -6)   
Gretchen, I'm 32 years old and recently broke up with this guy I'd been seeing for a couple of months. And like you, I thought he was terrific -- good looking, successful, had his crap together and treated me very well. I really couldn't ask for anything more. The first couple of weeks our relationship was wonderful, ( I met him online dating and talked on the phone for a couple of weeks before meeting) I had strong feelings for him and felt that we had an incredible connection. Then, shortly after a few dates, I started having anxiety and then severe anxiety - crying, not knowing why, then panic attacks. You can imagine how confusing that was for me. I knew it was related to this relationship. It really scared me. He told me how strong his feelings were for me -- the "L" word came up after a few dates. I thought wow, this is great. Our brief relationship went very fast- or at least was intense. Too intense for me and I tried to slow things down, b/c I was clearly becoming uncomfortable, but it was too late. Anyway, the anxiety continued and I told him about it. And like you, there were some things about him that turned me off -- I wasn't as attracted to him as I thought. Bottomline, I guess I just didn't feel the same way. I am 32 and ready to make a long term commitment. I put so much pressure on myself to make this 'the one' I never really gave it a chance...doing the ping pong in my head. What's if's - which will drive you crazy. I know our situations are different, but we do have some similarities. I guess what I am trying to say is...I think by breaking up with him, you have given yourself time to really feel what you feel and to trust and accept those feelings. Whatever they may be. I am trying to do that. I am starting my own list of what I want, and trying to figure out what I really need. My friend gave me some good advice lately...just because this guy is a terrific guy, doesn't mean he's the one for you, but only you will be able to really figure that out by taking time to listen to yourself. I think my anxiety was coming from the fact that I didn't want to deal with another heartache and possibly face the fact that this guy may not be the one. So sick of dating! Good luck to you. Let me know if you want to chat live about this. Time is good b/c time allows us to figure out what we really want and why we want it. Be honest with yourself.

New Member

Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 4/1/2005 11:31 PM (GMT -6)   

Gretchen, one more thing.  You cannot beat yourself up for not feeling any way then how you feel. We can't force ourselves to feel a certain way. And you're not a moron! nono  


New Member

Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 4/6/2005 9:15 AM (GMT -6)   
Gretchen, just thinking about how you're doing. ;o)
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