ive never posted a blog before....anywhere...ever...so bear with me....i just really need to get all this out and onto paper.....i know i will feel so much more free.....plus my parents, sister and few friends i have are sick of hearing about it all....and im sick of complainging to them. :) i dont even know if this is the right forum.....but ive googled the hell out of this subject and stumbled upon this and felt compelled to just type and type.....regardless...if this is in fact the wrong place for this post i apologize but thank you ahead of time for just letting me rant
so where to start....i was 18 when i was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, depression....they never really could give me a definite diagnosis...and i was put on every med at least once. my first doctor i saw for 5 mins and prescribed me paxil and valium....bad idea. after realizing that those just made things worse...i switched doctors and tried a few different meds over time....and after a few years i hit a point where i felt good. and decided to get off of meds all together. this was about 5 years ago. and i never looked back....i just faught the depression and said i would never let it get the best of me again....well it did.
i am 29, work in the hospitality industry as a manager, consider myself a beautiful person, inside and out. but am lacking in life. my parents just recently moved to fl for good.....i have no other family around in the state now, born and raised here and everyone left. well i moved too a few years ago about an hour north of where i grew up....left all my friends behind. started all over....not knowing anyone. i ended up moving right down the street from one of my old roomates and best friends and this seemed like a great opportuinty to start over because my new job was right down the street, i had an opportunity to make new friends through my old roomate. but once again everything changed. and i understand that its called life and thigns change but i wasnt changing. everyone and everything else was.......bear with me cause i will tie all this together eventually :)
i work in a career that is very straining on ones personal life, i work long late hours....never have weekends off, never can really request days off, havent called in sick in years, missed my high school reunion because of this, and weddings, family and friends get togethers, baby showers.....life. i consumed myself so much in work that i let everyone slip away....i had no choice at the time....i tried to switch jobs thinking that it would be better at the next place....it wasnt. its gotten worse...i have no life and ive lost all of my friends because of work.....and no one cares. i was popular in high school, had a million friends, lost them all. lost my family to other states.....have no time to go out and make new friends....because i work nights mostly and my two days off a week seem like a trap to schedule anything else....some weeks its mon and wed or tues or thurs.....never weekends....and never two off in a row and never the same every week.....to even take a class or whatever. ive become a boring person that i have no life and no interests and really feel pathetic. and who wants to hang around with that anyways. but im stuck because i live alone and cant afford a lesser paying job....ive been looking though and have not found a thing. IM STUCK.
i havent been dating much because it seems the guys in the area of MA are always onto the bigger better faster thing.....hell GQ just rated us the meanest city in america....speaks for itself. as well as one of the worst areas to pick up men. so ive been on dates yes....i go out and get hit on by creeps all the time. i finally met a guy....first guy i ever approached. handsome as hell. well long story short....we dated off and on for a year up until a week ago. well i shoulda known he was bad news from the get....but i turned a blind eye because he was company...good company at the time. motorcycles, boats...dinners, we hung out every night and i stayed at his place every night for 3 months straight....too much. but he never spoiled me....he paid sometimes, i paid sometimes....it was equal and i was okay w that....but he was shady....and not understanding....and i didnt trust him. i ended up finding out his email and fb password. i know it was wrong but im glad i did. he was picking up woman of all ages races on craigslist...stalking woman on facebook....all the while telling them he had a girlfriend but id never fiind out. sooo much shady stuff. all this after telling me i was the best thing thats happened to him in 10 yrs....he wanted me to move in....i hung out with his family his friends....i made him my life. and he crapted all over it. we broke it off when i finally told him that i caught him and how. we didnt end it nicely....and he never said sorry....always made me feel like evrythign was my fault, he was never ever wrong....he manipulated me. and he doesnt even care or feel bad.....i caught him on it....and he ignored me.....said to just leave him alone and that if i kept it up he would make my life a living hell...... and whats sad is that i would go back to him if he apologized.....because there was a time things were good...for a split second that time was. but he told me he loved me and i was foolish to fall for it....because i so desperately wanted love back in my life and friendship in some way.....
im thinking of moving to florida to be with my family.....there are so many signs telling me to go and to not stay. im lonely as hell. im broken, im so depressed....and i have no one to turn to, no one to talk to, no one to call up and say hey what are u up to tonight lets go out....hell even if i did have a fri or sat off i would have no one to hang out with. im completely alone because i consumed myself with work and with this man.....i made him my everything and i made the wrong choice. its sad. and its quiet. and after working long hours around fake people in the hospitality industry,,,people i cant call my friends because crap im their boss.....its head spinning is what it is.....i just want something....ive made every wrong decision in life that i could possibly make so far. from jobs to men to friends to school to it all. and i have yet to look back and be proud of any accomplishments....or to see any happiness or love in my past or future. the only thing i keep doing is putting one foot in front of the other....because i have to....but i dont want to....because i see myself heading down the same path......i need adivce.....i dont want to run from my problems.....but darnit i need something in life to look forward to...and i dont have one thing....not one thing. its absolutely heartbreaking to me.
im sorry for going on and on.....and talking in cirlces....i guess ive just lost my sense in how to communicate without going overboard......but im lonely and lost and would love advice.....and i hope this is the right place for it....thank u for ur time everyone :)