Don't know how to help myself

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BillieIndiana
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 8/13/2011 7:16 AM (GMT -6)   
Hello

I was hoping someone would have some advice for me. For the last 18 months I've had really bad depression. I'm miserable all the time and have no confidence and sometimes a bit of paranoia. It's getting worse and worse.

3 years ago I was raped when I was on holiday. At the time, I seemed to deal with it and got on with my life but 18 months ago depression hit me really badly. I don't know if this is the cause. Since then my boyfriend went to hospital and was in intensive care for a little while. We were in the UK at the time where I'm from but he is from the states so I was the only person who could take care of him and it was very stressful. When he came out of hospital I started feeling really angry towards him. I went to the doctors because I was so miserable and didn't know what to do but she just told me I had post-traumatic stress. This was a year ago and I'm still really down with no energy and I sometimes feel lots of anger towards my boyfriend.

I'm in Ecuador right now teaching English. I can get on with my job OK despite the depression. It's just when I'm in my house that it all comes out and my boyfriend has to bear the brunt of it. A few times I've had a physical fight with him which I started. I just can't get close to him and he's so miserable too now. I feel so guilty about it but I can't stop. I've tried things like meditation but I just can't concentrate. And I can't go to the doctor here because my work pays for medical insurance and I don't want them to find out. I can't find happiness and when I am happy it only lasts a day or so and then I'm back to my usual frame of mind. I'm really tired and can't take much more. I've tried exercising, listening to relaxing music, changing my diet, even chatted to an online counselor but nothing seems to help. Or I think it does but it never lasts very long. I don't really want to take medication.

What do you suggest I do?
Thanks for your time

Jim1969
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Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 8/13/2011 8:40 AM (GMT -6)   
I think when you said you "seemed to deal with it" says it all. Given your depression, anger towards your boyfriend, the PTSD, and so forth it would indicate that you haven't really dealt with the horrors you suffered when you were raped.

Being a man I am not going to even try to pretend to know what it was like for you. What I do understand though is that it is a lot more than a violation of your body. It is also a violation of your very soul and who you are as a person.

What you really need is help putting the pieces back together again. You really need to talk with someone who truly understands what you went through and what you are going through now as a result. I don't know what kind of resources are available in Ecuador in regards to rape counseling but if they are there I suggest you use them. If that is not possible then make contact with someone from the UK or the USA who is willing to provide you with that over the phone and/or through emails, instant messaging, etc.

Here is a site that may get you started. It has both online messaging as well as listing phone numbers you can call.

apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.

BillieIndiana
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 8/13/2011 9:31 AM (GMT -6)   
Jim, thanks for your reply and advice. I've been looking at the website. This will be my first step. Thank you.
When I said that I seemed to deal with it I meant that I didn't think about it much and it didn't affect my day-to-day life. I just don't understand why it has all come flooding back now.

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42430
   Posted 8/13/2011 9:35 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Billie,

Sounds like it may be time to deal with it and then put it behind you if you can. I wish for you the best. Keep posting, you have come to a good place.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Mrsnyums
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 8/13/2011 7:37 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello Billie

It sounds to me as if you are suffering from PTSD and depression. I think you need to talk to a therapist about this as it will not go away on its on and will continue to affect all areas of your life.
 
When traumatic things happen to people they sometimes think they are OK for years and then all of a sudden they find themselves dealing with all sorts of strong emotions coming, seemingly, from nowhere. You may find yourself reactiing disproportionately to minor hurts. This can happen when you have suppressed feelings that you may never have been aware of. Amazing how the human brain does this. It's time for you to start untangling all these feelings and expressing them or they will just fester inside you and cause continuing depression. I like to think of it as having splinters under the skin that need to be pulled out before the skin can heal! It takes courage to pull them out, and it may hurt, but you will not heal until you have the courage to pull them out.
 
I know you said you don't want to go on medication, but it's really not a big deal and lots of people go on anti-depressants to help them cope until they are stronger. Medication can give you the strength and motivation to actually deal with this stuff and work through it. It can help you feel so much better you'll wonder why you waited so long to give it a try. You can try it for three months and stop if you think it's not helped.
 
My advice to you is to see a doctor and get some medication, and a referral to a good therapist to start working on this stuff and getting it out of your system. It must be awful for you to be carrying all this around with you.
 
I wish you peace and send a big hug.

Post Edited (Mrsnyums) : 8/13/2011 7:43:40 PM (GMT-6)


theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20186
   Posted 8/14/2011 3:31 AM (GMT -6)   
therapy helps me immensly. with healing compassion, jamie
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

BillieIndiana
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 8/14/2011 11:36 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for all your supportive replies. It has been good just to get this off my chest on this forum.

I would like to see a doctor for some meds (as you say, it may be good to try them for a short time to see how I do) or to see a therapist but at the moment, I'm living in Ecuador and my Spanish isn't great. I'm thinking of going home for Christmas so I can see a doctor then. Maybe for the time being I just need someone to talk to. I thought maybe I could plan something fun to do every weekend and make myself do it in the countdown to going home. What do you think?

Thanks again for all your support. :) I hope you have lovely days.

totoro
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 29
   Posted 8/14/2011 1:12 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Billie . I just said this to someone else on here and then I saw your posts so I thought id say to you too

when I used to see a therapist she told me to think or remember a time when I felt safe and strong .. .. then she said any time you feel scared think of that feeling and sqeeze your thumb and finger together .

then when I have to leave the house I think of this and do this and it reminds me of when I feel strong .. the thumb and finger thing is a way of telling the mind that that feeling means that thought of safety .. so you learn to accept this way as a way of feeling stronger.

for example if you feel really good when you are teaching .. you can remind your self of that feeling in this way again when you feel bad.

Dansky
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2005
Total Posts : 2844
   Posted 8/14/2011 3:20 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Billie,

I'm in the UK and for the last 13 years have been serving with the British Army, trying to hide my depression as much as I can in order to prevent being medically discharged. I have been on Anti depressants since 2007 and they worked well for me until recently I am being medically discharged, for other reasons but the last few weeks have found it difficult.

I have been self medicating my anti depressants, which I guess isn't the best thing, but last week I e- mailed the Samaritans and typed everything down, it was quite helpful, they replied back and offered some good advice, I just think it might be worth considering.

Also, can you not speak with your employer and say that because of an incident which occured some time ago, you need to speak with a doctor, surely they don't have to know the reasons why.

Well anyway, hope you get it all figured out.

Dave

BillieIndiana
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 8/17/2011 6:49 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey

Thanks for the helpful replies. I have tried doing the finger and thumb thing but I think that maybe my mind isn't that disciplined right now. It just flies about and I can't focus. I'm going to keep trying though so thank you for the advice.

Dave, keeping it to yourself for so long sounds like hell. I'm just trying to hold on until Christmas. Thanks for the advice too but I think I'm just going to wait until I get home as my Spanish isn't good either.

Actually I had a bit of a bad day today. I wanted to see what you think about it.As you know I live in Ecuador in Quito. I had to go to the bank and my boyfriend went with me. Just around the corner we met a South African lady who said she was travelling and had been mugged in the park by 6 guys with a gun. She had lost her passport, all her money and said that the nearest SA embassy was in Peru. She looked pretty tired and dirty so I invited her back to my house and we made her sandwiches and she had a shower. She went to sleep for a little while so we went into another room to leave her in peace.
She was probably in her late 40s early 50s and was very overweight. I just felt so sorry for her because she'd told us that she had had to sleep rough and Quito is so dangerous. When we were leaving the house to put her on the bus (I gave her $40 to get the bus to Peru) I noticed my camera was missing. I couldn't see it anywhere but she was in a hurry so we just left. I got kind of suspicious and wanted to ask her but I didn't know what to say.
Now I can't find my camera anywhere and the only explanation is that she took it. Maybe it was a big scam.
My boyfriend said I was stupid for taking her back to the house even though he didn't raise the alarm or tell me that it was a bad idea. I was just acting out of sympathy for this woman. I'd hope that someone would do the same for me in the same situation. Also, I have problems trusting people so I felt that I should just try to put my trust into people.
Now my boyfriend is mad at me and says he is leaving Ecuador. is this an extreme reaction? Am I stupid? I just don't know what to think anymore.

BillieIndiana
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 8/17/2011 6:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Also, before I forget, has anyone used moodgym? The address is http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome and I've found it quite useful. It may be of use to you too. :)

stillme
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 556
   Posted 8/17/2011 6:57 PM (GMT -6)   
I am hoping that if I were in that predicament someone would help me too. I think what you did was extremely nice and shows that you are a caring person. Perhaps her tale was true. People are opportunists. Maybe she thought that was a way to get more money down the road. You did what was in your heart to do. That experience just messes up for the next person that crosses your path in need. You may be a little reluctant to offer assistance. Makes us second guess our decisions. Hopefully the camera will turn up.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42430
   Posted 8/17/2011 7:11 PM (GMT -6)   
I hope that your camera turns up too. And I think it was an extreme reaction on your boyfriend's part. You were acting out of the kindness of your heart. And if I were in the perdictament that the lady was in, I would hope that somebody like you would help me. Don't beat yourself up for this. I think as stillme said, she probably took it knowing that she could get money for it down the road.

Please know that you are a good person. And know that we all care about you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

BillieIndiana
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 8/17/2011 7:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Now my boyfriend is leaving me because of it. He said he will go before the end of the month. I just feel so numb. I don't want to be here without him.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42430
   Posted 8/17/2011 7:16 PM (GMT -6)   
That is a stupid reason to leave you. There must be more to this. Just saying. Because you helped somebody he wants to leave you. Doesn't make any sense. If the camera wasn't missing, do you think he would be doing this?

Hang in there, I don't think it is as cut and dry as it seems. Talk to him. Find out what is really going on.

Here for ya.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

stillme
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 556
   Posted 8/17/2011 9:00 PM (GMT -6)   
Oh my! That is no real reason to leave. Reminds me a little of how my breakup started. We had a trip scheduled. The departure date was the same as my niece's bday party. When my sister told meshe was going to have a princess party with a horse drawn cinderella carriage I said there has been a change in plans. What about changing the departure day to the next day or catching a later flight that day. Well that was it. However, later on more came out. So I agree that there is more to it than your helping someone in distress.

LonesomeDove
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 8/21/2011 10:46 PM (GMT -6)   
It sounds like you have a very kind heart. I would rather be taken advantage of (if she did steal the camera) than turn my back to someone in such a predicament.

Sounds like your BF may be using this as an excuse to jump ship. Maybe you should go to therapy together. You said that you resent him at times, maybe he feels that and it is hard for him.

Either way, I hope that you get some kind of help for yourself - with our without your BF. Your good heart shines through even in a time of distress for you. I hope that you can be as good to yourself as you were to the woman you met. Good luck.

BillieIndiana
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 8
   Posted 8/24/2011 11:18 AM (GMT -6)   
Hey,

Thanks for all your supportive replies. I haven't had internet access lately. Yes, of course I knew there was other stuff contributing to this but I was shocked that he used this incident as his excuse to leave. Right now he's still here and actually I don't much care what he does now. He's not very supportive (like the people on this forum)!

I've been feeling a little bit better lately. I've been doing this thing called moodgym on line and it's been helping a little. I don't know if any of you have done it?

Hope you all have nice days :) Thanks again for the support

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42430
   Posted 8/24/2011 11:51 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi Billie,

I am glad that you are using moodgym, I have heard good things about it. A few other members here have used it and say good things about it.

I was hoping that he would change his attitude towards what happened. I do suspect that it is deeper than you trying to help that lady. I am truly sorry about it.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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