Married for 12 yrs Affair for 12 yrs

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Lo_lop
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 8/13/2011 9:39 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello I'm new and desperate to be happy again. I met J in Feb 1999 he knew me for a week before he bought me a tennis bracelet for Valentines day. He was smitten with me, we were very young and I figured it was just lust. (It had to be) I never took him seriously. We moved to separate locations but still kept in touch. I met my husband that summer and quickly fell in love. I still spoke to J on the phone whenever he would call but never considered his feelings were real. I became pregnant in 2002 and was planning to go back to my hometown. J called me out the blue on V-day to talk and reminisce and discovered we would both be home at the same time. We met and spent the most magical week together I was head over heels in love! My husband who had not proposed yet didn't seem like he was ever going to make a commitment. I talked to J on a regular basis and decided that I would be with him. I took a new job and was going to leave my current duty station with the help of J. I gained over 75 pounds during my pregnancy and finally had my daughter in November. I was so down about my appearance and suffered from post partum depression. My husband proposed that Christmas Eve. I reluctantly accepted because I was so depressed I figured there was no way J would still want to be with me. J moved to Korea and found out about my marriage through a mutual friend. 1 year later J came to see me and my husband found out. We fought but I felt so bad and I felt like I had to make it up to my husband he said he forgave me and I stayed. Over the years I would meet up with J and feel all of those feelings again. J eventually got married and has been for 8 years. His wife and him recently moved to my current duty location. Prior to that J and I had been emailing back and forth. My husband found those emails one night and confronted me. Over the course of my marriage I have been lonely, I do everything alone. (movies, restaurants, shopping) My husband admitted that he had purposely neglected me due to the earlier situation. A couple days later I left for Vegas I drove alone. (12 hr trip) J was upset that I would go on such a long trip alone and questioned whether my husband gave a darn. J called me on a Wednesday and said he bought a ticket and would be in Vegas on Sunday night to drive me home on Monday. I cried the whole way home because I was so touched. I know this is long but I think I have to let it all out so I can deal with everything. J told me and has always told me I should've married him and how happy we would've been. I've never considered leaving my husband but now I honestly feel like I can. The part that kills me is that I let J go. He won't leave his wife although he claims he's unhappy and I want to just leave him alone so I can move on but I am madly in love with him. He stole my heart years ago and it kills me to think I ruined my chances at happiness with him due to my own insecurities. I don't want to be with anyone else. Why would God bring him here out of all places. I feel sick to my stomach everyday. I have 2 kids now and I can't be a loving mother all day long. I cry all the time I don't enjoy any of the things I used to. I want to seek professional help but I already know what I need to do I just can't do it. I feel so broken.

evangelina88
Regular Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 99
   Posted 8/13/2011 10:55 PM (GMT -6)   
Wow... this sounds like a difficult situation. It seems like you have some difficult and painful choices ahead and because of that, I think it would be very wise to seek professional help. Maybe put a bit of space between you and j and you and your husband. You dont need to create space by moving out... You can create that space in the marriage...which it kind of already sounds like exists because your husband feels hurt because of your relationship with j. Infidelity is pretty much thermonuclear disaster for a marriage. Not that a relationship cant recover... Have you considered couples counseling in addition to individual? You may be romanticizing your relationship with j and may be exciting for both because its forbidden fruit. If you were to live with j, could be whole different story. Situation is causing you emotional disonance which is why you need objective professional to help you sort through

Serenitee
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 463
   Posted 8/13/2011 11:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Lo_lop,

Hello, I'm Serenitee. I wanted to Welcome you to the Healingwell Site. This is a wonderful community with amazing members. I know they have helped me a lot.

Your post touched me very much. I'm sorry that you are crying a lot and unable to find joy in things right now. But you sound like a very strong woman, and I truly feel for you and your situation. I was wondering if before you really made a final decision you could talk to someone? Like a Therapist, Counselor, if you go to Church someone from there, or do you have any close friends that understand what your going thru? I do understand that what your going thru is also a very personal & private thing, with so many emotions also involved. I don't want to overstep myself & ask you anything that you don't feel like discussing. Pleez know you are in my thoughts.

I thought about sharing with you some of what I have gone thru this past year, but I didn't want to bother you with it. If you ever want to email me my email address is listed on my profile. You just click on my name "Serenitee" & it will take you to it.

Thanks so much for sharing your personal story with us.
Your Healingwell Friend,
Serenitee

Lo_lop
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 8/15/2011 9:23 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you all for taking the time to read my post. I appreciate all of your inputs, I've been going over them again and again for the past couple of days. There's so much more to this than what I wrote but I would have to write a book. I feel depressed but am currently not being treated. I'm in the military and the way they're cutting people I'm afraid if I seek treatment they'll use it against me and I can't take that chance. I just want to feel a little like myself again. All of you made such good points. I always justified my affair with J because he was there first and I never felt like my husband really cared. I wish I could just get away for a while to sort things out but that isn't an option for me. I'm glad I found this website so I at least feel like I don't have to go through this all alone. Thank you all again.

Serenitee
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 463
   Posted 8/15/2011 10:07 PM (GMT -6)   
Lo-lop,

I'm so glad that you posted again, as you have been in my thoughts. I'm sure your husband loves you very much, with going thru the hurt of the things he is aware of. I was wondering if you had thought of marriage counseling? As you had stated, you didn't get to write down the complete story. I do feel for you & your husband as well. Pleez know that if you ever want to email me & just chat my email is listed on my profile. As I know sometimes its kind of hard to put everything down here. By the way, thank you for your service. My husband served in the Army for 11-years & was wounded in Iraq. I was wondering if you could seek a therapist or counselor of some type outside of the military as they would not be connected, as I do understand your concerns.

Long story,but I did go thru a husband & another man issue last year. Married & faithful for 22-years up to that point. Anywaz, would enjoy visiting with you.

Best wishes for your family.
Your Healingwell Site,
Serenitee

Bipolar 2, Borderline, Anxiety/Panic Disorder, Ptsd
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