Pining for a jerk

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Regular Member

Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 99
   Posted 8/16/2011 12:34 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey everybody. Hope you are having a good week. In July of 2010, my husband left. I supported both of us financially almost 100%. When I asked him to help, he left instead. Even though he was a deadbeat, I was still devastated and didn't get out of bed for a week. My parents said he did me a favor. Although he was twelve years older than I, I felt like I was a single mother to a surly teenage son. Haha!

Fast forward to April of this year. (9 months after husband left). A coworker began to pursue me. After a few weeks, I decided to go out with him. Things moved too fast...I did not set good boundaries...I felt pretty numb and passive. I got very emotionally attached to both him and his son. I babysat his son several times after work and we had the best time. I helped him with his homework, we picked lemons and made lemonade, we fed my neighbor 's horse...lots of fun stuff. Sadly, red flags began to crop up with his dad. This man was never very sweet to me and although I made him several meals, he never said "thank you". He was narcissistic and basically spent our time talking all about himself. I could have replaced myself with a cardboard cutout. Haha! Also, his finances are a disaster. He's declaring bankruptcy and drives a $40,000 car. I was with him when a process server served him with an eviction notice. The irony is that this man is a police officer. He badmouthed his ex wife claiming she was responsible for his financial woes. Additionally, I babysat his son while he was taking scuba classes. Here is someone who is declaring bankruptcy and he is paying the high dollar amount for scuba classes? I know it's ridiculous that I became emotionally attached to this man...I had to go into cognitive override to break it off with him in June. A month went by and we didn't see each other at work miraculously because we were not assigned to same area. In July, we were assigned to same area and I broke and got back together with him...but not for long. I broke it off again July 15. Nobody at work knows about our relationship. I have thankfully not run into him, but it's only a matter of time and this causes me tremendous the point where I have even thought of moving and trying to get a job elsewhere. When I think of his son, my heart is torn apart... The crazy thing is even though I was the one to end things, I feel the terrible pain and sadness of loss and rejection. I think about him constantly and times we were intimate and it just rips my heart out and takes me to the point of pure hopelessness.
Thank you for reading this. Any input would be so appreciated.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 8/16/2011 1:27 PM (GMT -6)   
Angie something tells me that it really is not this man you are missing, but rather being in a relationship.

You are certainly not the first, nor will you be the last to experience this. I have done it myself.

My best advice is to take some time and focus on you and your job. Also think about what it is you really, realistically want from someone and in a relationship. Then convince yourself not to settle. You can compromise a little, but don't settle just to be in a relationship with someone to avoid feeling lonely.

Relationships should never be about need. You should never feel like you need to be in one to be whole or complete. Relationships need to be about want, respect, and so forth.

Angie, it sounds like you have a very loving and giving spirit, and you need to preserve that and save it for someone who will appreciate it. Don't waste in on jerks. No one really deserves to be taken for granted or to be taken advantage of, but with souls such as yours it is a larger shame when that happens. Trust in yourself and trust your instincts. They are telling you all you need to know if you will just listen.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42201
   Posted 8/16/2011 1:50 PM (GMT -6)   
I think Jim made some very good points. You don't deserve to be taken advantage of or treated with disrespect. And I think you can learn from this situation. Focus on you. Better yourself and be proud of who you are. Learn as much as you can.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Regular Member

Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 99
   Posted 8/16/2011 9:28 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you all for your very kind posts. I am so grateful.
Something horrible happened today that has galvanized me to make some major changes. I'm going to be moving closer to family and start a new job in the same field.

Here's what happened: one of my coworkers told me that she heard this guy sexually harrassing another coworker. This is absolutely believable considering this man's lack of morals. After she told me, I know this is going to sound ridiculous, I broke down and began sobbing. I just feel like such a chump. I'm sure he popcorned his smarmy spiel out to a wide swathe and I was the idiot that fell for it. I am so very disappointed in myself. It's a predator/prey thing...I'm a pretty meek and maternal person..and also way too trusting. Sue, he does have custody of his son and I feel very sorry for him. His son is such an amazing kid...not the sociopathic narcissist that his father is.
It is time for change. Thank you so much for your kindness and support.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 556
   Posted 8/16/2011 9:34 PM (GMT -6)   
All of his ways are now uncovered. One can only hide who they really are for so long. The truth will come out. I am sorry you got caught up in his web. I wish you luck as you relocate.
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