getting by said...
ou are making a decision, not committing a crime. Go easy on yourself. ... Keep trying. That is the best we can do.
I couldn't have asked for nicer words, Karen. Thank you. It's kind of funny that you phrased it like that; my dad is a judge and he said something similar to me on the phone yesterday. I do feel like I'm letting people down, but at the same time I know that that's a ridiculous thing to think. I haven't been here *that* long, and obviously life goes on with or without me here.
I'm pretty sure I missed delivery of a book I ordered online (from France, no less!) today because I'm afraid of my doorbell. The last two times I've gone up to answer it, it's been the Mormons and the Jehovah's Witnesses, and I feel bad because both times I pretended like I was home sick. I never feel clean or ready to be seen in public when people ring my doorbell, so I've stopped answering. That said, what if I had a job? I wouldn't be home at this hour. I want my book! Grrr. I haven't been upstairs yet to see if they left it anyway. Why would they need a signature for a book? Weird.
Is it bad that even though I know getting in the shower, getting dressed, and getting things done today is the logical option I still can't bring myself to do it? This might be TMI, but I haven't been out of my tiny apartment in a few days, I haven't showered, and there's like zero food in my kitchen. On a sane level I know I have to get food, return my videos to the library, and pick up a prescript
ion (nothing to do with the depression and non-urgent), but on a depressed level I can't. It doesn't make sense and I know it, but I just can't. I have this overwhelming feeling of 'what's the point?' running through me. I actually think things like "I can go until tomorrow morning without getting food" (I really can't; there's two Poptarts left, and some oatmeal, but I can't even get it together to do the dishes). What is wrong with me?! Even thinking about
showering, one of the most basic things ever, makes me anxious. ?
Like I said, the only reason I've felt the need to clean my apartment is when the boy comes over. It's really bad. I buy groceries and clean up and pretend that that's how it always looks. I try to put on this brave face because I don't want people - especially this boy - to know how bad things are. SueTho, I think this goes along with what you said: he's too young to help, even if he wanted to. I've been completely* honest with him, I think in a subconscious effort to scare him away, but he's still my friend. *I say completely, but I have left out the extent of my depression. He knows I take medication and that I see a pdoc, but you're right. I haven't mentioned that I am afraid to shower, go outside, answer my door, etc. Is it too cliché to say that a past boyfriend and my dad have ruined everything for future guys? I feel like I always expect unconditional love, but forget that most people aren't going to love me "no matter what".
Sorry. I don't know where I was going with this. Just that I'm frustrated with and mad at myself. It's like I'm a drug addict; I know what I'm doing is unhealthy and 'wrong', but I can't clean up my act. I felt accomplished yesterday just for throwing out gross trash and taking out the recycling. This is not good.
In my defense, my apartment has horrible cell phone reception (you have to stand on a chair next to a specific window, and even then the call drops a lot) - but still I know it's unhealthy to isolate myself and not call people back. My friend from back home keeps calling me and I feel so awful I haven't called her back. I don't talk to anyone because I'm afraid I'll burst into tears. I've never felt this awful, and I don't know what to do. I don't want anyone to know how bad I feel, so it's sort of a catch-22. I want to just sleep all the time, assuming that when I wake up it'll be better. Problem is, I can't know that it will be. Mornings have actually been worse for me, is that weird? I don't know. I just feel like I'm in so deep - I can't even perform basic functions. The library is only a few blocks from my apartment. Taking back my videos would mean dropping them in a slot. It's not the time it would take to do it that scares me, it's the effort, the being outside, I don't know. Same with groceries. All of a sudden it seems like a Sisyphean task - oh, that's not the one I mean, although I guess it's kind of applicable considering I don't really enjoy food so why keep spending money on it. You know what I mean. I feel like everything takes a huge effort all of a sudden. I feel like I have no purpose, and it doesn't feel very good. It's almost noon and I have already given up. I've actually considered renewing items online for the library so I don't feel guilty. What is wrong with me?!