I have not posted in a while. Just been wrapped up in e-mails and facebook. But I've been missing this forum so here i am.
My mom has recently gone to her m.d. and told him she thought she was crazy. At least that's what she told me. And then told me he replied with "Maybe you are". Well i'll never really know what went down that day at her visit. But i do believe there is a guardian angel looking down on me, because my prayers have been answered.
He had my mom try a new med. which when i looked it up the first words were... bi-polar. I was validated mentally because i always thought she masked her drinking and drugging due to a personality disorder.
It's been 4 weeks now. I see a change in her. She's becoming calmer, more tolerant to accepting her age although she would'nt put my bday card out for display because i said happy 83rd on the card. So she still does'nt want that out in the public eye. Just don't get it. Maybe if I live that long i'll get it. I think she should be proud of her age, embrace it and let it go. But I guess that's a choice we all have to make.
My problem is... letting go of my resentments. The hurt and damage she has caused my family. I'm so very grateful that finally after many many years of abuse, she is starting to become a new person. I just don't know how to let it go??? I don't want to harbor ill feelings, but I can't let myself go all the way and love her up like i should. I still feel the pain from her nasty personality....
I see her as a weak, vulnerable woman now. Before she had this persona as if she came from the royal family. And she was the queen of the royal family. Untouchable.Cold. Mean. Selfish.Jealous.Verbally and physically abusive. How do i let that go?????
I know yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not here yet. Stay in the present. Forgive and forget. Maybe it will just take time????????
I love her regardless, but i think i'm afraid of being hurt again if i let her in. I'm torn with feelings of love and loyalty.
Well... just wanted to get it out there... confused, hurt, depressed, mad, and needing to know how to let go. That is one of my biggest problems.