I can't talk because I'm trying to come out of my own fantasy world that I've lived in for 8 years. Please get help now because you WILL ruin your life and career if you don't. I thought/and still fight the whole huge misconception (my psychosis problem) that I love God so this can't be happening. I had a traumatic experience happen to me 8 years ago concerning God and religion so it's been my psychosis for all these years. Half the time I think God is conspiring and everyone else around me, to hurt me. I'm coming to terms with myself or trying to that all of my thoughts are owned by ME and I have to take ownership for them. I'm not saying this is what you're going through, but you spoke of your lack of connection to reality and I'm telling you, if you don't get help NOW, I'm afraid you will do what I did for 8 years- you will seperate yourself from the world, your family, your friends, etc. and live in that fantasy world (whatever it is that your mind makes up). I still fight the fact that I don't want to take drugs, and I still don't take them like I should because I believe in self-power just as much as the next person. Try to keep an open mind and listen to others (this is hard for me/especially with the God psychosis because half the time I think it is HE who is telling me I need or need not to do certain things). Definitely journal everything and you have to start finding worth in your life-HELLO you're like rockin it over there with the medical school! If you can get through this hurdle, which you can, you can be one of the most respected medical professionals out there someday! I just think that's awesome!
As far as the man, I wish I could slap you up side the head and give you a hug at the same time. Men are not worth anything in your life, especially when they have told you they don't want anything further. That's why I cannot scream enough that you have got to hold onto something in your life (dealing with you and only you) that you can grasp onto and strive for....you have really got to take the time to look at yourself even though if you're like me, it will be painful, and really say "What do I want in life? Then, the sky is the limit! Go for it! But yeah, the man, it's gonna be hard but let him go----he will only bring you down further and my friend, you are worthy enough to be somebody without him. The problem with ourselves is that we can never escape ourselves so learning to deal with yourself, your thoughts, your actions, etc is going to be key in how you deal the rest of your life. Keep up your studies and get rid of that, I'm worthless crap....you just have to make up your MIND that you ARE a BESUTIFUL person who can do ANYTHING! If you are so gung-ho on no medicine then you need to dig REAL deep and force yourself to do some things with your mind, heart, attitude, soul etc. that aren't always going to be happy things. Do it! I'm not saying, don't take meds, because they do help, but we ALL have to learn ourselves and help the SELF that we are.
Man, I never knew I had all this in me until i sat down to write because as I stated, the MIND and what you are already facing (the lack of reality) will only get worse and drive you into a downward spiral. GET HELP NOW! Whatever you have to do-do it! I hope this helps! Don't mean to be strict- it's just how it is. I am sending you hugs as well, but I've learned tough self-LOVE is sometimes the best medicine!
Dx- Borderline personality disorder, major depression with psychosis
Mother to my ladybug (Summer)
"Love makes a mother, not biology"