This is my first time using a forum to talk about my problems so it's hard for me to type it but I'll try my best.
I am a 21 year old female going into my senior year of college. I am trying to get into medical school but tonight I feel like I don't want to do anything anymore. This is because I am hurting a lot. Today I hung out with my ex and this is one of the biggest mistakes I've ever done. We dated for almost 3 years and I love him deeply but he is only trying to use me. But I still keep thinking he loves me just as much and I keep allowing him into my life. I've tried blocking him out for about a month but he randomly emailed me the day before my MCAT and I talked to him all night and I hope I didn't do poorly because of lack of sleep. I feel like such an idiot for trusting him over and over. I feel worthless and useless. I don't treat myself right because I let people walk all over me. And now I feel lost, hopeless, and scared. Last semester I was diagnosed with depression from the free counselor at school but they weren't helping me. I refused to take any meds because I want to overcome this without meds. I think part of the reason I am the way I am today is from childhood abuse and being bullied throughout elementary, middle, and high school. I only have a few good friends but I've tried asking them for help so much they are just tired of it. I can't go to my parents for help because they don't understand. They are very strict and also they don't have the money for any kind of help for me even if I wanted to see a professional. I'm running out of options and I don't know what to do. I'm worried about my future and my career, but I'm also worried about myself in the present. I feel like I'm slowly fading and losing touch of reality. I don't go anywhere except stay in my room all day in front of my computer or in the case of school time, I go to class and then shut myself in my room. I keep getting hurt and everything seems like a dream. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore. I don't even know reality from fantasy anymore. I feel like I'm alone and I'm afraid of the future. I'm afraid of being alone too. I have to shut my ex out of my life before he hurts me anymore but it's so hard to do that. I care about him so much and I want my dreams with him to come true. But I don't think they ever will, especially because of what happened tonight. He said he just wants to be friends and I can't have that. This hurts me too much.
I'm all messed up and I hope someone can read this and understand what I'm going through. I also hope someone can give me any advice because I'm very lost.
You poor, sweet young lady. My heart aches for you right now. Only those of us who have dwelt in depression can understand the pain, agony, and despair associated with it. Please listen to Jamie, medication does help. I am living proof. I was young once, and like you I wanted to battle depression on my own. It wasn't until I finally surrendered (after 20+ years) that I fully recovered. Depression is a completely treatable illness. You are experiencing a chemical imbalance in your brain. One of the neurotransmitters that make up your brain is out of whack and the treatment is as simple as finding out which one it is and restoring it to therapeutic levels. This may take a while, so patience is necessary. In my case I had to try two different medications. Some people have to try less, some more, but everyone gets better once they find the right one. I know it's hard to think about
, but if you were diabetic you'd stick that insulin needle in your arm every day and not give it a second thought. This is no different. You need help right now, and there is nothing that says you have to take the medication forever. I was on an anti depressant for one year and have never taken or needed it since. You can have the same success, but only you can make the decision to seek help.
In this day and age there is no need for anyone to suffer. The pain you're feeling is palatable in your words. I wish I could crawl through this monitor and hug you right now. I know what you feel like and it's a hell that no one should have to endure. Please seek professional help. You don't have to feel this way.