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New Member

Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 8/21/2011 12:35 AM (GMT -6)   
I've fighting with myself for a long time. It just seems I don't have it in me to do anymore.

I've been trying to change my issues and problems. Dealing with OCD and depression I figured if I could at least try to fix one of them or at least hold out until the end of this pregnancy so I could bring this perfect life into this world. I've been trying to do everything right by them and my other child as well. But it seems I've lived too long being one way thanks to the influence I grew up with and now even though I want so badly to change it. The only thing I'm told is that I'm not changing and that I will never change. That I'm mean and think that I'm better than everyone else... I know I could never see myself as better than anyone else ever. My self confidence was never something I considered having much of. I've been feeling like a mistake since early in my childhood and even though I'm not as old now I can't seem to escape that thought that I'm a mistake and it would have been better if I didn't exist.

As much as I fight this repeat thought I don't have much positive to feed from. It hurts so much to want to get better only to be beaten down verbally by the ones I love most. I wish I could apologize to the ones I didn't mean to hurt and have them actually see that I mean it. Instead after I've apologized over and over and tried to be kind or control my problem no one seems to see anything besides what I've already done and that I'm just going to do it again. Or they treat me how I treated them in the past and expect things to change or me to not hurt and feel angry. That I should smile like I deserved to be treated like I'm stupid and that I do everything on purpose.

I can't even remember things anymore and I'll spend complete days trying to remember what I did wrong so I can fix it but I'm stupid for that too or that I like to suffer just because I want attention. I just want to solve it but according to them and the actions or words of people who won't even speak for themselves...I will never change and that I like treating people cruel and that I feed off of the pain of others.

So now I don't even want to tell them when they hurt me or what my problems are because its not like their listening or they're telling me that they can't help, don't know or are just tired of me and threaten to leave one day.

I just don't want to exist anymore as much as I love them and my children I can't make it stop anymore. It's driving me insane that I can't solve anything even in my head. I just want to stop. I know death solves nothing but this will the 3rd time that I've been so close diving off the deep end. I've tried twice to die. The 2nd time I thought to myself I'd never want to do that again but right now I just want the pain to stop. I'm sorry all I can think is please I'm sorry... I'm sorry

New Member

Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 8/21/2011 11:57 AM (GMT -6)   
I really gotta say from all the wallowing I did last night from today waking up to read this and listen to the father of my child has helped me not to make the entire day crumbled. Although its a weekend and I have to wait I have found a means to return to receiving counseling again. For a while I thought I could wait all of this out until the end of my pregnancy but I see now that I can not. I see now that I can't fix this alone nor can I fix a problem I keep causing because I'm not innocent to my actions even if I can't remember them anymore.

You've really helped me and even I have to wait just a little longer I can always remember the words you've spoken to me. I'm far from clear minded but at least now I can do something today besides allow my mind to trap me with all the bad thoughts. I just need to hold on just a little bit longer if not for me then for the one inside of me.

Thank you Sue

New Member

Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 8/21/2011 9:24 PM (GMT -6)   
I don't want to die although sometimes I feel as if I'm standing on the edge waiting to just jump off and I did experience post partum depression but pregnancy or not I'm depressed but if I can't pull threw again it'd probably at least be best I bring my child into the world even if they have live apart from me. Or live with the father currently living with me as well while I go away to seek professional help. I just don't want to feed my negativity to a newborn and toddler. I don't want to feel as if I'm running away but if I have to go in order to come back I will. I don't want to be insane with grief feeling like everything I do is a mistake anymore.

When I say then I mean if I make it on my own past the birth someone else will have to take over but the least I can do is keep trying while the baby is still growing inside me. I don't want to just give up afterward though. I love them very much and I just want to be with them... It's just I've felt overwhelmed more and more especially now that the chest pains aren't going away and I have to see a cardiologist.

Still I really appreciate any support I can get because those I call family have just withdrawn or don't know because I won't ask anymore. Tired of feeling like their looking down on me or think I'm crazy or not fit to be a parent. I've never had my child taken from me and I strive to keep her happy and healthy. I just can't seem to do that for myself very well. But right now I'm returning to my counselor starting this week and pouring my energy into my artwork while still trying to stay positive around my toddler. I just really need to hold's just not easy but coming here was a great help to me.

And thank you too Purplesky

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 8/22/2011 5:05 AM (GMT -6)   
Having a child isn't easy. It is a lot of hard work. And taking care of you is so important at this time too. Know that you are not crazy and you are a good parent. After all you are here seeking advice.

Try to take your life one day at a time, do the best you can and know that in your heart. You will get there and if you need help, ask. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Keep coming here too. This is a good place.

Take care,

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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