Hi, My husband is depresed and I'm trying to figure it all out.

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Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 8/26/2011 1:06 PM (GMT -6)   
My name is Lindsay and I'm 28 years old. I'm married to a fantastic man and we just celebrated our third wedding anniversary. I'm going to try to sum everything up quickly. The past year we relocated 12 hours away from Texas, where we were both born and raised. We moved because my husband received a huge promotion and off we went. Doors were opened in a way that we both knew this was our path. The right path for us. (Also, we do not have children yet.)
So, new place, new jobs. We left our family and friends on this new adventure. We've been here three weeks shy of one-year. Since we moved I've noticed a steady changed in my jovial, light-hearted Hubs. He has become moody, quiet and conflicted. He's lost his joy and his song (he's always goofing off, making up crazy songs that are hilarious). He's become irritable, angry and not himself. He is enrolled in school and talks about his loss of focus. He can't concentrate to write papers and cannot finish simple tasks. He beats himself up about it. He doesn't contribute to household chores anymore and I feel like I am constantly nagging him about things that he previously handled, and took care of without me asking. It's not happening the past year and it's gotten to a point where something has to be fixed. He's noticed the changes as well. It came to the point several weeks ago that we discussed his changes and issues and he decided to seek medical help in the form of a therapist. Last week he had his first session with a therapist.
We are both Christians that weren't really raised with the mindset that you air your problems to other people. Neither of us have family issues, both of our parents have been married for years and there aren't any issues with childhood things or the past.
The changes started when we moved, he re-enrolled in college to finish his BA degree and took over this new (and major stressful/responsibility) job. He is turning 30 next year and beats himself up about not finishing school yet (I've graduated and all of our family/friends have as well) and talks about where he thought he would be at this point in his life, and he's not there. He's not doing what he wants to be doing career-wise yet either. He is very hard on himself.
This is despite the fact that we are better off financially than we have ever been, we have an amazing new house we built together, etc.. We are in a position in life that we've worked hard for and he's miserably unhappy. I understand that money doesn't buy happiness, but he is not the man I married. He is absolutely miserable and not interested in living this amazing life!
I am conflicted, confused and overwhelmingly angry. I realize it and need to figure it all out. He believes that he's depressed and it stems from his lack of self-esteem and self-worth and mainly his lack of fulfillment in his career, his approaching 30 years of age and his lack of accomplishments in life. He is withdrawn and not interested in anything he once was (golf, sports, etc). He is so unhappy and gloomy.
I feel weird that he's going to talk to someone about our life (therapist). I do not feel close to him. I feel angry that I'm responsible for the majority of the stability in our life right now, emotionally and financially. And mainly I feel angry that we are not normal like we were. I realize this sounds selfish and self-centered. I'm working through it. I just want him to be fixed and it's completely frustrating me!! I am a fixer, a go-getter and I just want him to be better.
I need a better approach that the one I currently have. I am kicking myself in the rear for not being more supportive. I get it. But really I don't get it. I have no idea what's going on in his mind and why he can't function normally right now. He's tried to explain how he just feels miserable and sick. I can't wrap my mind around my husband being this person!! I would love insight. I do not know what it means to be depressed and not able to function in a normal way. I do not feel supporitive at all right now, I feel angry. It makes me want to withdraw from him.
Adivce, suggestions, feedback, kick in the pants- all welcome.

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42499
   Posted 8/26/2011 2:42 PM (GMT -6)   
All I can say is give it some time. Getting better is a gradual process and could take awhile. I does not happen over night. And I am sorry he is not the man that you once knew. But he will be again.

Have you thought off getting any books on how to be supportive? Even counseling for yourself through this period of time would help. It would help you to cope with his healing.

You don't sound selfish. This can be a huge change in a person when they are depressed. And that isn't something that you were expecting out of the marriage. But try not to get angry. He is really struggling to make it through each and every day. And I am sure he wants to get better just as bad as you want him to.

Keep posting and know that we all care about you. Try to be patient. Take this onee day at a time. Try to do some nice things for yourself while he is getting better. You deserve that.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

It's Genetic
Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 8/26/2011 3:54 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello, LNS5436, and welcome to the Depression Forum,

In all likelihood your husband has a chemical imbalance in the brain
which can cause all kinds of changes in personality, behavior, thought,
and responsibility. If his psychiatrist has prescribed the proper medication (and he will if he hasn't already), your husband will likely begin to turn around in just weeks and return to his happy self, bringing you much relief. It does take a little while.

Did you ever know whether anyone in his family had a bout of depression or hospitalization for illness? Sometimes, chemical imbalances are inherited and the more you learn about it the easier it will be for you to understand and feel compassion for him.

It isn't something that he wishes to have, believe me, and it won't be long before he will gradually come out of the fog, get his degree, and find enjoyment in his marriage and work. His psychiatrist is going to locate the source of the stress that has pushed him into depression, so you should not feel guilty or blame yourself. It just happens in some people when major life changes occur.

Take care of yourself; please follow the advice to get therapy yourself if you are feeling anger and frustration over the continuing situation.

Best wishes and look for the rainbow; it will come.

It's Genetic
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