what am i doing wrong?

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please help!
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 8/29/2011 5:01 PM (GMT -6)   
         hello my name is keira. i was recently married july 16 2011. my husband seems to hate me already. i know im not perfect but i am doing my best in all areas. im enrolled in college so im gone all day, when i come home he find any excuse to leave or argue with me to upset me. he blames everything on me. he is no longer sexually interrestd in me, he looks at me like im a disease. i love him so much and its killing me on the inside to wake up and know im not what he wants to kiss goodmorning or hold and kiss goodnite. everything was mbeautiful between us before we got married. what happend? what am i doing wrong. is there any hope?

Crackles23
Regular Member


Date Joined Jan 2011
Total Posts : 96
   Posted 8/29/2011 5:45 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello Keira and Welcome to the forums,

As a start, you have come to the right place, you will receive alot of support from these forums.

I'm personally not the best with relationship matters, however I will throw out afew questions just to clarify afew things.

When you say your husband seems to hate you already, what is actually happening or how are you getting this feeling?
What sort of things is he making excuses about and are there arguments on a regular basis? Also, how long has the arguing been going on for exactly? What had triggered off the very first argument after your marriage?

How long have you 2 been together before you were married?


Is there anything at all that you may suspect on why he is acting the way he is?

Considering you guys only got married just over a month ago, I would think everything would still be fresh.

It's good that you're going to College and hope everything is going well in that regard.

Keep us posted, someone with alittle more experience in this will respond shortly.

Kind Regards,

David.
 
Edit PS: I truly don't see that your doing anything wrong and you don't deserve to be treated poorly on any circumstances. As I always advise people, maybe some counselling may help you 2 get back on track.
 

Post Edited (Crackles23) : 8/29/2011 5:52:01 PM (GMT-6)


getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42430
   Posted 8/29/2011 8:01 PM (GMT -6)   
I agree with David, maybe some marriage counseling would help. You can always get your marriage anulled (sp) and try living together without the marriage again. It is funny how a piece of paper can change things for the bad or good. But it is a committment and some people feel pressure. I hope that you answer some of David's questions. It would help us to understand this better. I really hope that things work out for you and your husband. Most marriages would be at a happy time right now. Something must have triggered something inside of him to cause him to act this way. I hope that you can figure it out.

Take care.

Keep posting,

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20186
   Posted 8/30/2011 4:12 AM (GMT -6)   
agree with the above posters. sending healing compassion to you. keep strong and keep posting. jamie
SCHIZO-AFFECTIVE DISORDER, EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER, BORDERLINE TYPE -AXIS 2 , RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

please help!
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 8/31/2011 11:41 PM (GMT -6)   
confused     Hey guys, thnks for the advice. ok heres more abot our "situation". I met my husband brian in early may 2011 and got married 2 months later. Of course things were alot diffrent before we got married, or I would have never married him. we were so happy. it was like we were made for eachother. we got married and everything changed instantly. Now as ive said before im not perfect by far and i cause my share of arguements, but i am always into him. there is never a time NEVER when i dont want him to touch me, kiss me, love me ect.. ect.. he says im not obident or submissive. Why would i be when all I get is negitive attention if any attention at all. no I dont work out with him like I probally should.  He is into working out and of course expects it from me. the thing with that is I never use to have any goals or ambitions, until recently, within the past year. I didnt follow up on those goals until recently. so the college life is verry new and stressfull to me. I have horrible anxiety, and panic attacks. I am currently a mental train wreck. i love my husband so much that its beating me down and the hurtfull part is he doesnt even acknowlege me. maybe he isnt man enough to say he doesnt want to be wit me? well you guy let me know what you think. do think theres any hope?           
 
 
                        thanks again,
                                         keira shakehead

Jim1969
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 9/1/2011 2:37 AM (GMT -6)   
Keira,

I may be wrong but based on what you have said I think the problem is that he thinks marriage is some kind of master/slave arrangement rather than a partnership. It sounds like once you two got married he started viewing you as his "property" and the reason he is so upset with you is that you are not being the "good little wife/slave" and keeping quiet and only being there for his pleasure and whims when he wants to involve you in them.

I honestly do not think he changed, but rather he kept his true nature and feelings hidden, and also only being together for 2 months did not give you enough time to truly get to know him.

Now I am not criticizing you for rushing into things. That is not my place. I am only pointing things out.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42430
   Posted 9/1/2011 6:24 AM (GMT -6)   
I think Jim is right. He thinks of you as his posession. I would seriously think about getting out of the marriage. It isn't too late. Things just aren't the way he sees it, and he is going go get very posessive in my opinion.

I hope that you can see what is going on here. You don't want to live this way the rest of your life.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

BigB_386
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 9/2/2011 1:25 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi. I am Keira's husband I am not possesive, I am ambitious and I do have goals.  I asked her before our marriage if she would excersize and stop smoking because these things are important to me.  She agreed she would try but I haven't seen any results.  Also she has a nefarious past and was socializing with to put it nicely females that are or were stret **********s.  I try and get her to focus on the future with me and ask her what goals do she have but she always gives me a deer in the headlight type look.  The first 2 months went great, and I agreed to merry her based off these months.  She knew I was a "A" type take charge alpha male when she met me.  Also she has a couple of bad habits of airing out details I expect to be between us to other people and this causes me not to be open with her.  I explained this to her but she throws up defenses and copouts, and the situation escalates and doesn't de-escalate.  also shecomes from a history of abuse and doesn't trust me when I'm doing nothing wrong.  I hope someone does have an answer, she sees the reults from her point of view but doesn't see the causes of these actions from mine.  I still love her, but I feel like she needs to get counselingfor her anger, alcochol, drugs, andprior domestic violence and molestation-incest.  She sees counseling and phycologist as a joke. and thwarted my visits with my psychologist I was seeing for my gabling disorder, and my GA meetings.  I just want her to replace her bad habits with healthy ones.  I don't want to listen to her complain about how she hurts, and she has diabetes in her family, and I feel like she is abusing her body with her diet and sedintary habits.  Shes says I'm not her dad, but I love her and want the best.  I don't hate her not at all by far but I hate what she does to herself and to me, and us sometimes!  I feel like if she could change she would feel that much better and we would have a marriage that is much stronger!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42430
   Posted 9/2/2011 5:35 AM (GMT -6)   
I think that the two of you got married too soon. You didn't get to know eachother. What if she doesn't change? What if this is just the way she is? You only knew eachother a few months before you got married. Joint marriage counseling would help. It is up to the two of you to save the marriage. But if you aren't getting along maybe you should back out now before you have to get a divorce to do it.
 
Being that you are both on the forum,  we have to make sure that you don't argue here.  So please try to restrain yourself from that.  We are here for support for both of you...

Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Post Edited (getting by) : 9/2/2011 7:07:07 AM (GMT-6)


Screaming Eagle
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 5005
   Posted 9/2/2011 8:55 AM (GMT -6)   
 
      Keira, I wanted to let you know there is a anxiety panic disorder forum, that may be of help to you, since you said you suffer from this. However I have to agree with Karen and Jim on a few points, and especially that counseling might be beneficial to the both of you.
 
          While both you, and you're spouse are welcome here, I would like to remind you both that the forum rules need to be followed, and I suggest that you both take a peek at them before further posting.
 
    Also this is a Depression forum and the members will be more than happy to support if indeed you suffer from this. What this forum is not, is a marriage counseling format to air couples marital disagreements.
 
  Again, I hope you both will consider counseling for the sake of the marriage.
 
         I wish you both well.
 
    SE
Moderator Chronic Pain Forum

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Jim1969
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 9/2/2011 12:40 PM (GMT -6)   
IMHO the first thing you both need to do is decide if you want your marriage to continue and to work.

If you both do then you both would greatly benefit from marriage counseling and from what I can see the first order of business there is for both of you to learn how to communicate with the other. This doesn't mean just talking, but also actually listening and then thinking before responding. Once you learn, master and put into use the skills of effective communication then you will have a chance of solving the other issues.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.
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