I believe I can no longer support my husband.

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Uel1776
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 8/31/2011 3:14 PM (GMT -6)   
cry
Hello to everyone, I'm new to this group. I have never really sought out advice or help in regards to my own feelings, so here goes.
I knew years ago the my husband probably suffered depression, and it reared it's ugly head without a doubt about 5-6 years ago. I recognized the signs thankfully, and didn't put his bags at the curb, but instead went with him to Dr's appointment for support and encouragement. He was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and I have been supporting, understanding and, encouraging all these years. Even when he was mean and nasty to the kids and I. I'm not looking for a pat on the back, I just did what I thought was my responsibility. I see such few glimmers of the man he used to be. I understand that his flight response is huge in him, and he has done nothing but run from things. This includes our hobby as a family. It involves being in a group, and about 5 years ago he had a disagreement with someone (not as huge as he thought), and gave it all up. Made the decision for all of us (though he says go without him), I don't think that's right. So we all gave it up. Then he wanted to join another group (same hobby), didn't last long there. Then in the spring he decided to contact out original group and ask if we could come back. He said that he now realized what he did to us by making that decision. We have been so happy being back. Come home today, and he has had a disagreement with someone from the group, and is quitting AGAIN. He said what ever you and the kids want to do, I will be supportive. What this really means is, if you go without me, I'll be miserable and derogatory.
I'm so sorry this is long winded, I never talk to anyone about what is going on or how I feel. I don't feel that I can be supportive any longer. He runs from everything. I try to make things smooth and non upsetting for him. I finally realize that I am not appreciated and taken for granted far too often. Am I giving up too? Should I stay and be supportive still? I would love to hear from you.

Uel1776
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 8/31/2011 3:31 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm afraid that this makes it sound as though it was just one incident that is troubling me, but there have been so many more. We have lost friends because of his behaviour. Committing to help and friend with any range of things, and not following through with it. I can only make excuses for him so many times. Blowing a small disagreement way out of proportion. I understand that part is because of his diagnosis, but he doesn't even seem to TRY to get better or understand his behaviour. Ok, I have gone on way too much, I'll stay quiet now. Thanks

CassandraLee
Veteran Member


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 900
   Posted 8/31/2011 4:30 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Uel. Welcome to our Healing Well forum. I am so glad you found us. We are a supporting and caring group here, so I am hopeful you will get a few supportive answers.

First of all, I think it is great that you have been so supportive of your husband and even went to his doctor appointments with him. When I was first diagnosed about 9 years ago, my former husband refused to understand and just came down on me harder. I often wonder if I will be able to find a supportive boyfriend in the future because I can be moody/anxious and harder to live with him. So know, that I think a lot of you for really hanging in there with him.

As this sounds like it is really impacting your marriage and family life, I am wondering if you have tried marriage counseling. Maybe with the help of an outside person your husband may hopefully try to meet you part way or better understand your point of view.

Your statement of how he blows up and treats you does concern me a lot. While depression does mean a person will have mood swings it does not give that person permission to treat another person so insensitively so frequently. I experienced verbal and emotional abuse by my ex-husband so I am quite sensitive when others bring this up. Remember depression or not, you have been a faithful and caring wife and you do deserve to be treated decently.

I hope you continue to post with us and let us help you.

Cass

Uel1776
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 8/31/2011 4:47 PM (GMT -6)   
Cass, thank you very much for your response. I must tell you that it made me cry. I didn't realize until this moment, how much I didn't talk to others about how I was feeling. I do go to all of his appointments, except for the regular check up type. The Dr always asks him questions, and then asks me the same question so he will get a truthful answer lol. I set up his appointments with my EAP, and he really liked that counsellor. I'm not sure marriage counselling at this point would be productive. I think it would look like I was complaining about his reaction to situations more than anything else. He does have anger issues I believe. If he would just TRY and get better instead of running all the time. I am worn out. This day did it to me. I have never thought about asking him to leave as much as I have in the last 5 hours. He was terminated from his 22yr job, while on sick leave about a year ago. That made his depression worse. It's with a lawyer now for wrongful dismissal. He hasn't put any effort into finding a new job, and EI runs out in Oct. I am now looking for a second job. I resent this considering I have RA and trouble getting up for the one job I have. I'm whining now.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42432
   Posted 8/31/2011 5:34 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Uel,

Welcome to the forum from me too. It sounds like you are in a really stressful situation. Does his therapist know about the anger issues and blowing things out of proportion? I hope so. It sounds like he takes a lot out on you and the children. That is not good. There is verbal and mental abuse and none of you should be subject to either one. I think family counseling would be a way to go. And marriage counseling. You need to be heard and treated right. This could help you. I am sorry that you may have to get another job. Do you think your husband will win his case? I hope so. Maybe this is putting added stress on him also. Which makes everything so much worse. Are you going to counseling for you? I highly recommend it. You need somebody objective that is a professional to help you through this. I know that you probably don't have a lot of time, but a lot of doctor's are in on weekends now too. Mine is in on Saturdays. My psychiatrist. And late hours too. Which really helps me.

I hope to see you get some support. KNow that all of us here care.

Take care, Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Uel1776
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 8/31/2011 6:04 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks getting by,

He has had appointments with psychiatrists, but in our area, they will only see you once believe it or not. I was thinking about a Mood Disorder clinic we have about 1/2 hour away. I suppose he does not always have the best behaviour with us. I would be nervous about a marriage counsellor only because they might not treat depression and anxiety, and the results might end up worse. I will think about it though. I have never gone to counselling for myself, I suppose I never thought about it because I know what the problem is. I will think about that too. I have EAP through work. I will make enquiries. Thanks again.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42432
   Posted 9/1/2011 6:03 AM (GMT -6)   
You are very welcome,

I only suggested you counseling to be able to cope with his actions. There is a book called "feeling good" by Dr. David Burns. I would recommend it for you both to read. It is about cognative behavioral therapy and it could help you both change your way of thinking. You would learn assertiveness and he would learn to control his moods. I found a used copy on Amazon, I believe, for about six dollars. It is a thick book but easy to read. Another thing that helps me is a writing by Max Ehrmann. It is called Desiderata. It is found at http://www.freewebs.com/crys/ Copy and past that into your browser. It is a good read. It isn't really long. I always save a copy so I can read it on occasion.

Meditation is a good practice too. It keeps the mind and body calm. Keep it in mind. You may benefit from meditation.

I hope that things go well for you. Keep us posted on your situation.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Jackie_0mg
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 427
   Posted 9/5/2011 11:49 PM (GMT -6)   
hello, i think your doing a great job although i am PRETTY YOUNG i think itwould be helpful a lotof people think a councler means you have a problem it can be as simple as for you just needing to talk to someone. your not giving up at all although i dont know everything from what you say you hadle it well. being a mother and wife isnt easy i dont have a father inmy life and it me my younger sister (12) and my mom im 17 but my mom is ALWAYS at work i express how i wish she could be home more but she cant my mom gets no childsupport from my sister and i dad so my mom is daily upset about that and on top of it comes home unhappy from work. my sister at that age where she just wants to do nothing and im passed it i try to keep the peace in the house now and it can get tired sometimes my mom says she thinks im the mother. i say all that to say what your felling is normal to me at least. getting a councleer to talk to 1 a week would be helpfull and communicating w/ your husband on your fellings THAT IS THE BIGGEST PART OF MARIAGE ( i just saved you a counceling session) lol hope u find what worksout for you though i will keep your family in my prayers
p.s. idk if you belive in god or not but if u do watch joel osteen he will talk right to you its like he knows what problem your having he's GREAT
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