Stopped Functioning

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Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 243
   Posted 9/6/2011 9:46 PM (GMT -6)   
Today was one of the worst days of my life. I don't even want to tell you how much it took me to even get here. I don't know how I am even able to write this right now; I'm bawling my eyes out. I have very little food in my apartment, but today I mustered the energy to make some noodles. Somehow I managed to scald both my hands. They feel OK now - I've put cold water and bandages on them and actually put winter mittens on them - but I wasn't able to salvage the noodles. My bed is dirty, I'm dirty - and yet I can't get up. I haven't showered in a couple days, I haven't brushed my teeth. I feel awful. There's a boy who I've been seeing, but because he works 9-5 in the next town over, we only see each other on weekends. I'm pretty sure he has an idea of how unhappy I am, but doesn't know the extent of my depression. I feel like I'm lying to him. I never have groceries in the house when he comes over, so the last couple weeks we've gone to the store together, which is nice, but I feel like he doesn't get that I wouldn't have done that if he hadn't been here. Monday through Friday I sit, dirty, in my bed and cry. I try not to hurt myself. I cry some more. I eat if there's food in my apartment, and I try not to think about food if there isn't. I get up to go to the bathroom, but that's it. Some days I don't even walk into the living room, which is only a few feet away. There are dirty dishes in my sink. I know it's illogical to not wash them, but I can't. I just sit and stare at the walls of my bedroom. Or I watch horrible television shows. I feel like I'm wasting my life, but I don't know what to do. I talked to my Dad and we decided that I should stay here until the end of October, and then I will come back and live with my parents until I get on my feet. The only problem is I don't know if I can last that long. I wanted to leave sooner, but I talked to the boy I've been seeing and, I'm not really sure how, he convinced me to stay longer. This is so pointless! We're going to "break up" or whatever when I leave, so what the heck is the point?! All we do on the weekends is keep each other company. I'm sad, he's sad. We sit and watch movies in my dark, depressing apartment. That's what I do during the week anyway because I can't get a job. I can't get a job because I'm depressed. I feel sick and dirty. I don't even shower except on the days that I see my pdoc (tomorrow, thank the Lord!) and days when the boy is here. If it weren't for him, I don't know what I would do, but I realize even while I write this that that is the most unhealthy thing of all. I can't do this to him. Do I tell him this? Do I admit how unhappy/depressed I am? That I sit in my own filthy bed for days and cry my eyes out? That I don't get dressed except when he's here? What do I do? It's never been this bad. If I tell him the truth, he'll stop seeing me and I'll truly be alone. I want my parents' help, but I don't want to lose the man I love either. But it's inevitable. It's not so serious that we'll keep "dating" (if you can call it that) when I go back home. I'm too depressed to keep living by myself. It's unsafe. I feel sick. Sick, disgusting, dirty, depressed. I don't even know if I can make it to my appt. tomorrow. I can't get out of bed. HELP

Veteran Member

Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 4538
   Posted 9/6/2011 10:01 PM (GMT -6)   
Are you on any meds? I'm glad you are seeing your pdoc tomorrow. Make sure you discuss all of this with him or her. Please go to your appointment. I am worried about you. It's good you have your parents' support. If you feel you can't make it until October, can you talk to your dad about moving there earlier? You only have a few more weeks until October though so that is good. Do your parents live far away from your guy friend? Is that why you'd have to stop seeing each other?

I think you will feel a lot better if you can muster the motivation to go brush your teeth and take a shower right now. I have been where you are (or close...), but I always feel better when I force myself to take a shower at least. I know it's hard, but you need to try to eat better. Not eating well is probably making your depression worse as well.

Keep posting. We're here for you.
27 years old; diagnosed March 2007

Asacol, 6 tabs, 2xday; Rowasa every other night; Ortho Tri-Cyclen; Wellbutrin started 8/4

getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42609
   Posted 9/7/2011 8:28 AM (GMT -6)   
I hope that you see your pdoc tomorrow. Do let us know how it went. You may need a med adjustment. Or some counseling. It is so hard when we are depressed. Every task seems unmanagable. Have you tried leaving your apartment and going out for a walk? Taking a shower will make you feel better. And brushing your teeth. I know it is hard. I get that way when I am depressed too. Take care of you. That is all I would worry about right now. I am glad that your parents are going to be helping you. I think that alone will make you feel better. Getting out of that apartment. I think that is going to help.

Take care of yourself. You owe that to yourself. It will make you a stronger you.

I send you comfort and compassion.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Veteran Member

Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 556
   Posted 9/7/2011 3:05 PM (GMT -6)   
Yes, you have to get out of that bed. I was doing the same thing. Laying on the bed crying, no tv nothing. But I eventually would force myself out and into the shower. Sometimes I would even have to hold on to the side of the walls because I would be so overcome. However as I would contine to shower things would get better. It will for you too. And like plenty of folks here have advised just take things moment by moment. Hope you feel better soon.

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 58
   Posted 9/9/2011 12:10 PM (GMT -6)   
please.please try and get up and shower and brush your teeth. Its amazing how these little things help lift our spirits even if for just a few moments. i have been were you are and i know it sucks, depression is a horrible thing to try and overcome by yourself, please try and get some help. Also keep writing as I have found putting things down on paper helps in some strange way. Keep writing and we WILL write back.
intercostal neuralgia, degenerative disc disease, atherosclerosis, depression, & anxiety
meds: gabapentin, oxycodone 30 mg, lipitor, xanax, effient, cymbalta, carbamazepine
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