Hi there, I'm new to this forum but I'm wanting some reassurance and sympathy from the anonymous mass that is the internet.
My mum used to be the source of help for me, but she's not at all helpful, and then if I tell her that she makes me feel guilty saying 'well what do you want me to say do you just want to be molly coddled?'. I want to open up and be with my boyfriend right now but I have problems showing my emotions to people at the best of times, and though I now feel comfortable showing them to him he's got his roommates whom I am also friends with and so I feel I'd have to hide it from them. I'm also paranoid beyond belief that by me being depressed he'll think I'm one of the 'crazy type girls' who he won't want to have to deal with and will want to leave me, and I so badly don't want that because he's such an amazing and supportive boyfriend (my paranoia doesn't make sense does it?) I just want to be the best I can for him and atm I feel like I can't look him in the eye because I can't get my life on track.
I feel so pointless because I can't get a job and don't aspire to have a job, even though I know I need one. It's a catch 22 situation. I just feel like there is nothing I aspire to do and no career path interests me. I feel as if the only thing I was ever good at, study, I can't do anymore, one because I'll just end up in more debt and two because I have no interest in anything at all so there's no point in taking up some random study only to find out I don't like the job that comes out of it. I also don't want to be studying for another 5 or so years only to end up in the exact same situation then. And I'm worried that if I get a job I'll only end up miserable in that again and want to quit again, so I feel completely stuck.
Essentially, I don't want a career, I want to have children and have raising them as my full-time job. Because I feel our society relies too heavily on childcare and the children are suffering because of it, so it's something I take seriously and not just because I don't want to work. I'm also a traditionalist, so I would go about the stay-at-home-mum thing seriously, eg proper cleaning, proper cooking, don't hire a nanny etc. Though this is what I want, I am too ashamed to confess it to anyone because of society. Women are expected now to do it all, have the career, have the children, have the family, but I believe it's wrong. I know I should tell my boyfriend this, but I'm scared he'll think I'm a sponge, or also expecting too much (as we've only been dating 5mnths)
Eating has become a chore and I'm stressed that I'm losing weight. I'm not interested in food at all and even if my stomach is rumbling I don't want to eat. I'm not anorexic or anything because I know that I'm underweight and I hate it. But it's a cycle because I'm stressed/depressed about the weight loss and that makes me not want to bother with eating and etc.
All I'm doing is lying in bed all day and sleeping until 1pm, I get up, force something small into my stomach cus I know I have to eat something, fight to keep it down, then I just want to go back to bed because I don't want to have to deal with the thoughts in my head all day.
I'm going to the doctors on Tuesday but until then I have to deal with myself. I don't have any faith in CBT because I've tried it before and it's all just 'tell me why you feel this' and I can do that in my own head so it's a waste of money.