My Personal Tale of Woe

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thewistfuldreamer
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 9/11/2011 5:22 AM (GMT -6)   
I'm a new member and I just want to politely bid everyone hello.

A plethora of issues has been smoldering inside of me for a long time, now. I was seeking a simple Google search about bliss and how it is NOT happiness and stumbled upon this inspiring community. I hope I can garner some helpful advice through my tale.

Firstly, I don't want to sound like a whiner or someone who makes a whole lot of fuss over very little. I'm not on medication, either. I don't see a point in it. But in my 21 years, I've never been able to tolerate much stress. Bearing that in mind, perhaps one could see how easily I lose my composure in life.

To provide the complete portrait of my suffering, I hope to trudge along the forum guidelines as best I can.

I'm not a conventional religious person. I like to believe in a higher power. It helps me justify my suffering. Often I feel as though life is meaningless and that, were it not part of some ultimate design, it is only a mere state of purgatory.

I'm 21, as I said, but I feel like many of my young years were stripped away from me. I come from a broken home. Never had a father. My mother's suffering tops my own if you ask me. Abusive husbands, death in the family, the works. I like to think of my life as a splinter-- the jagged and agonizing chip of wood that you claw at, tooth and nail, to free it from your skin. I feel like I'm walking on glass most days. And when there is bliss in my life, it is short-lived by definition and it is only a matter of time before I sink back down into negative thoughts, nihilistic views and overall a great state of sadness and unanswered yearning.

I may know who my father is. I was never told until I was 15 or so. But even if it is accurate, that person is gone from this world. As is my Aunt due to a sicko's murderous taste. My other Aunt and Uncle are also grieving alcoholics, just like my mother, and despite my wishes, their drinking will continue until the day they die. I owe a lot of my survival to my grandmother. She's the kindest and most caring person I've ever known but even our relationship feels severed due to my inner turmoil.

I have two sisters, both of which side with their abusive father over my battered mother. Clearly, if they were devoured by a conflagration, I wouldn't lament over their passing. One is kinder than the other, but they have never made any attempt to repair the broken wings of our family situation. Neither have I. They've moved on. They are wives, now. So, whatever, really.

I also have a skin condition known as Vitiligo. It has scarred my psyche since I first learned what a psyche was. School was not particularly enjoyable. I liked learning. You could say I was a smart kid filled with aptitude once upon a time. But due to a lacking staff and overall school system, I was left to bullies like some kind of snack. People always say violence wounds more severely than simple harsh words, but they're wrong. Words last forever. In literature, in life and in my memory. And it hurts.

The bullying was part of my reasoning for transferring to home school in 8th Grade. However, this failed to work as well. I lost focus and became lethargic. In that time, all I cared about was myself. And the survival of my own self. Nothing else. I never realized how much I loved my family until it was too late. Now, they're hollow shells just like me. No matter what I do, it never changes.

I've always wanted to be a writer. I love movies. Art. All of that jazz. But effort isn't on my speed dial; I'm a slacker.

I dropped out of school in the 10th Grade. I regret it greatly because I still don't have a high school education. I'm horrid at mathematics and keep shying away from the GED because of this poor intelligence. Instead, I dabble in role-playing and watching movies, video games... the works. Anything that helps me escape from this world. I love reading as well.

For a handful of years, I became a recluse. An angel came into my life and rescued me. She's currently my fiancee. But our relationship is tiring. I care for her very much and I want us to excel as a couple in the future. We have a wedding date set and it all sounds wonderful on the surface, but inside I'm suffering, shuffling along like a broken chain drowned in the heart of the ocean. I also have terrible anxiety. Though I'm more comfortable around people than I used to be, I shy away from chit-chat and social events because, due to my poor experiences in the past, I've developed a raw scorn for humanity and couldn't care less about what a person is majoring in and any other punch & chips conversation you could imagine.

Due to my lack of a father, I've developed an ease around women instead of men. I detest men in most cases. I can't stand my fiancee's father. Basically, I look down upon most people and would rather remain reserved in my manner than actually find a bond with another 'dude' because in the end, I see little if any value in such a friendship. I'm my own person and I don't like company, yet I love being around my family and my fiancee. Clearly, one can see how I'm a walking contradiction, jumbled and stagnant. Though I'm not one to sell myself short. At least not subjectively. I am a good cleaner. I can undo bolts and fix cars. And I think I'm a fairly decent writer. I have a hobby of making videos. I like photography. And most of all, I love eating.

Since my relationship with my fiancee is the first true commitment I've ever made to another person, I find it hard (imagine that) to not accept temptation. I have a lustful eye and it has gotten me in trouble. The girl I crushed on through my school years wanted to hang out one night and I wound up on the wrong side of infidelity. My fiancee is as delicate as I am when it comes to depression, so you could imagine how we can manage to keep each other afloat but also so easily tear each other down. That wasn't a bright time in my life, either. It seems nothing is these days. My family situation is tearing away, day in and day out. I have no car, no driver's license, no job either. I currently live to and fro with my mother and fiancee, spending most of my time with the latter which makes the former an equally saddened mess as well.

Basically, my ultimate desire would be for my family to become healthy. Stop drinking, for everyone in it to become a bit happy for once. I love them all so much. And frankly, I would love to become a man. But I have so much rage! I get so angry sometimes. So lonely, too. There is so much sadness inside of me. I keep telling myself that it'll all work out and that by the time of the wedding, I'll have a job (maybe be in college) and be ready to move on with my own life. But I suffer horribly from the thought of leaving my mother behind. All she's done is suffer her entire adult life. I wish she could be happy, but most days she simply resents me for being gone. What am I to do? There are so many things I haven't done and so many things I'll never become.

I just want them all to be happy, for myself to be happy, for my fiancee to be happy, to actually... find meaning in this life. I know I'm a good person. I do. I want to achieve. I don't want to keep reading about the success of others. I want to write novels and make movies and be a father to my fiancee's children. I want so much to happen. But at the same time... I'm exhausted.

In conclusion, bliss is my vice and I intend to keep it that way. Silly brief fun has its perks after all. But it is simply insufficient. If you could bear this pathetic rant of mine, I thank you for the attention. If anyone has some useful advice, I'd definitely appreciate it.

- John

Patches92
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2010
Total Posts : 4
   Posted 9/11/2011 7:16 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for your post John. I have suffered from depression for over 20 years (quite possibly most of my life) It is something that I constantly struggle with and it is quite debilitating at times. I enjoyed reading your post and I thank you for that. Alot of it, I felt I could have written. One thing I can say is that I think you are a SUPERB writer, and feel you should definitely pursue your talent in writing, photography, etc etc. Sometimes this is all we have (our escape from the pain). I am a terrible writer and I dont post much.

Just wanted to say welcome and I am really glad you posted here. You are not alone.

Patches

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42438
   Posted 9/11/2011 7:51 AM (GMT -6)   
John,

Welcome to the depression forum. I am sure you will find much comfort here as everybody is si kind and compassionate. Very supportive.

Do keep posting, you have an interesting story.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Jim1969
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 9/11/2011 11:45 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi John,

Have you ever heard of someone named Albert Einstein? You have? Great!

Since you have heard of him I will assume that you, like most everyone is the world considers him a pure genius, but did you know that as a child Albert's teachers thought that he was a complete idiot and possibly even mentally retarded all because he had great trouble with reading and writing. He had to work extremely hard to master even the basics of those two subjects.

I like to tell this true tidbit to people when they think they lack intelligence because they have a hard time with some subject. With Albert it was basically anything but mathematics and with you it is Math. Everyone of us has gifts, things we excel at doing and we also have things we have trouble doing. I am like you. Math is definitely not my strong point, but all that really meant when I was in school is that I had to work a lot harder at it, but since non math subject generally came easy for me I didn't have to spend any more total time learning than those who got it easy. To this day if someone presents me with a math problem higher than the most basic of algebra (ie 1+A=2) my head starts to hurt and my eyeballs try to mimic a slot machine.

Get yourself into an adult education course and get your GED. Without you are basically stuck in neutral and you are going to need it to get any kind of decent job unless your life long ambition is to master putting special sauce on Big Macs until the day you retire. Now there is nothing wrong with that job for those who are using it as a stepping stone towards something better or for those whose abilities truly do not allow them to advance but I really believe for you it would be a total waste of your talents.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.

Jim1969
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 9/11/2011 12:02 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi again John,

I broke my response up to make it a little easier to follow.

As much as many of us would like to change the world for the better, or at least our own little corner of it, the truth is we often can't. The only thing we can reasonably expect to control is ourselves and what we send out into the world. If you have never heard of Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror" I suggest you look it up and either listen to it if you can find a free copy or at the very least look up and read the lyrics. In short it talks about how if we want to make the world a better place we have to start with the person looking back at us when we look into a mirror.

This is where you need to start. Get the pieces of your life in order, make yourself into the type of man you want to be. Then when you have yourself on solid ground you will in a better position to help those around you in some way. That help may or may not be to help them change their self destructive ways, it may only be to love them and be there to support them because you can not help those who do not want it as much as we might wish to otherwise.

The Serenity Prayer says this better than I ever could:

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.

Bigquestion
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 32
   Posted 9/11/2011 6:10 PM (GMT -6)   
Wistful, Jim's got it right. Focus on what you can do, not what you can't. Take pride in any successes and confidence will start to grow and spread to other areas of your life.
 
I must say that your post doesn't really gel for me. You say you are intelligent but later say there's a lack of intelligence. Which is it? You chose to drop out so it wasn't an academic failure was it? It was your choice and now who do you blame? It can only be yourself as you can, at any time, go do the schooling you need. It's your coice, every single time Wistful.
 
You say you got engaged and will be married. If you're so repulsive and dumb how on earth did that happen? Young ladies don't come to the door looking for a fiance so you went out and met her, and charmed her. So tell me, what is wrong with that? You say you look down on other people. Why? What have you got to be condescending about? You've just run yourself down dreadfully and now you say you look down on others? This is why it doesn't gel to me. You detest yourself, apparently, but then rate yourself higher than any others. Again, which is it? You're better or worse than others. Again, you choose.
 
Then there's the issue of depression. Do you have it or not? it sounds like you haven't even seen a doctor yet you dismiss any treatment as you "don't see any point in it". How would you know? You're a kid and haven't lived much of life yet. I really don't see that much suffering in your life as you've written it. All I read is you dropped out of school and can't be bothered with trying or getting help. That's not suffering, that's choice, yours.
 
You say you want to be a writer. Well, sorry but high school dropouts don't have the vocabulary to write good material and likely lack the ability to plan and develop a plot as well. This is what education is about. Giving you skills so again, you choose. Try writing now and see how good it is. What would you write about? You haven't much life experience to draw on really so where is the "real feel" going to come from? In your post you try to demonstrate your writing ability but really all you achieve is length. I mean, "Punch and chips"? Really? If you're going to use that type of line it is always "beer and chips". Punch and chips is not something anyone will identify with. It jarred when I read it and knew you were trying for a colourful, amusing expression. Here's one, "Like a rat up a drainpipe". See? That's real and it simply means fast. What does punch and chips mean?
 
Writing isn't about elongating the story with superflous statements like that which people will reject. It's about being concise and precise using descriptions where it's relevant to the story. Many do use so many similes and paint so many pictures I know. But does anyone actually read all that stuff? Or do they look for the plot and put the book down cos they can't find one. Not a personal attack, some constructive criticism.
 
Please see a doctor, get your education and defer your marriage until you have finished high school. You don't like men or your girl's father. Have you though how he feels about a high school dropout as his daughter's husband? As a father I can tell you. But you already know.
 
Look after yourself, get up and act, help yourself as no one else will.
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