I will start by saying that I have never used a forum before to discuss my feelings, only to discuss soap operas. I am 22 and I was diagnosed with depression when I was 13. I wasn't prescribed medication at the time, because I assured my mother that they were diagnosing every teenager with depression at that time and that I really was fine and happy. Fast forward to now and I still don't take medication because my insurance has a 750 dollar deductible before they pay for anything. I don't have that kind of money. That and I am not entirely convinced that I will ever be happy. I won't lie and say that I have been depressed for the entire 9 years. But the vast majority of it, it's been uphill battle. I feel as though I can't do anything right...ever. I stress out about
stuff to the point of not being able to breath. Tonight, I hit a very low low when I had an extremely bad visit from my boss. I haven't stopped crying since she left. I still have a job, but I have done nothing right, a point that was made many times in the two hour span of the visit. All I do is screw up an don't know how not to. Thoughts of seldom cross my mind because while I'm not entirely convinced in either heaven or hell, I don't want to risk putting my mother through that. However, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about
being involved in a robbery and getting shot. Or being in a terrible car accident. I'm too much of a coward to do it myself, but I guess if someone else does it for me, it'll be okay. But then I push those thoughts out of my head and keep chugging along. Because I know that my income supports both my mom and I and I can not let her down. I can not leave her homeless. I'm just a mess and having a hard time coping and I really can't talk to my friends because they have no idea what I'm going through. Last time I even mentioned the thought of just wanting it to end, not my life, but life's issues, i was threatened with being forced into a mental institution. Maybe that's where I need to be. Sorry to just unload just didn't know where else to turn.
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 9/14/2011 7:15:58 PM (GMT-6)