I have only read your posts at the moment, sometimes when people have looked at a thread and not responded, it is non members that haven't signed onto the website, therefore they can't respond.
Firstly, I am truely and deeply sorry for your loss, it is a loss I understand all too well, as three generations of family have gone this way.
I too go through the extreme loney stage you have discribed, I have no family, no children, no partner, apart from my few friends, I truely are alone. It is an extremely ugly place to be in, and as soon as I am aware that I am heading into that downward spiral I fight like heck to not go there, it is a dangerous place for me to visit.
But, you are already there, I can clearly see that. When I am in that place, I try to think of things that I have accomplished, and I remind myself that had I given up the last time I was in the ugly place, then I would not have been able to experience my last trip, or helping someone, or the birth of a friends baby. And then I begin to fight with everything in me, I am firm, and I tell myself off for entertaining the idea of giving up, I don't have that as an option, what would I be missing out on if I go through with it? And when I say fight, I mean fight, it is really hard coming back from that ugly place.
Part of my process is planning, I always have a plan, either big or small things in advance, and these are the things I will be missing out on if I give up now, these will be the experiences I will miss out on if I don't start clawing my way out of the ugly place.
So please start to fight, you have sat with the grief for awhile now, don't sit too long in there, you can always go back there at a later date, but right now, it's not the best place for you to be.
I do not often write in such detail, and then leave my complete post there for others to read, but in this case I will, I have seen your responses to other people, they have been thoughtful, generous and helpful, and you deserve the same in return.
Please let us know how you are feeling today, I am worried, as I know where you are, it's not a good place to be. If you don't want to talk, but want us to know you are ok, can you just leave us a dot, like this . this will confirm you are ok, and will be the best little dot I have seen for a long time.
Take care bigquestion, begin to fight now