Posted 9/15/2011 4:56 PM (GMT -7)
Hey all, I'm new here...
Just looking for advice really, feeling really down for years and now even more so. This may be long but please bear with me...
about 3 years ago I was fine, I had a great passionate relationship, a good life, but I never appreciated what I had, and I cheated on my gf. Everything went downhill from there once she found out (the very next day in fact). Perhaps it's karma, as over the last 3 years, I've learnt my lesson, conquered my guilt, swore never to repeat my mistake again, somehow remained celebate even... but...
I've been single for 3 years, and I no longer find it worthwhile to go for random bangs - unless I'm drunk and wasted off my face. I've tried to move on, but for some reason I can't even hold onto a love interest for longer then a few days. I flirt around, have fun, then I disappear. Women still hit on me, but I reject them, sometimes hard and firm, other times by playing dumb, or if I'm in the mood I flirt with them and lead them on - bad habit of mine.
I can flirt with people even if I'm not sexually attracted to them, it's an annoying trait. I'm a very social person with lots of male and female friends, an outer circle and an inner circle, I go to town and I'll bump into a few folks I know easily.
I've waited for so long just to even feel a hint of infactuation for someone. I almost gave up, but then I met someone, and this time the attraction I didn't have to force it, and it's mutual, and I actually enjoy talking with her.
She seems fun, easy to talk to, and makes me feel comfortable. I even held my standards back and if she was single I would have most definitely made my move. But she's not single, and even though she wants to break up with her bf I don't want to be a rebound.
I'm just a bit frustrated really. I've been single for so long I've even started to mentally condition myself to get used to it instead of playing roulette trying to hit the jackpot (and not settling for anything less). For me at this stage, to even feel attracted to someone, that's a jackpot!
I'm just feeling very down, depressed, frustrated, have no hope left, and it doesn't help when people tell me I'm hot or when women hit on me because it seems to stop me from conditioning myself mentally for a single life because a subliminal message seems to be passed "you're not someone who's meant to be alone"
But I want to be alone because it hurts too much to hope and be disappointed year after year. I have friends, that's all I need right? Everytime I realise the fact that I'm never going to find anyone anymore my heart sinks and it hurts but I'm used to it and accepting the reality is what I have to do. But the world isn't making it easy for me.