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New Member

Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 9/15/2011 6:56 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey all, I'm new here...

Just looking for advice really, feeling really down for years and now even more so. This may be long but please bear with me...

about 3 years ago I was fine, I had a great passionate relationship, a good life, but I never appreciated what I had, and I cheated on my gf. Everything went downhill from there once she found out (the very next day in fact). Perhaps it's karma, as over the last 3 years, I've learnt my lesson, conquered my guilt, swore never to repeat my mistake again, somehow remained celebate even... but...

I've been single for 3 years, and I no longer find it worthwhile to go for random bangs - unless I'm drunk and wasted off my face. I've tried to move on, but for some reason I can't even hold onto a love interest for longer then a few days. I flirt around, have fun, then I disappear. Women still hit on me, but I reject them, sometimes hard and firm, other times by playing dumb, or if I'm in the mood I flirt with them and lead them on - bad habit of mine.

I can flirt with people even if I'm not sexually attracted to them, it's an annoying trait. I'm a very social person with lots of male and female friends, an outer circle and an inner circle, I go to town and I'll bump into a few folks I know easily.

I've waited for so long just to even feel a hint of infactuation for someone. I almost gave up, but then I met someone, and this time the attraction I didn't have to force it, and it's mutual, and I actually enjoy talking with her.

She seems fun, easy to talk to, and makes me feel comfortable. I even held my standards back and if she was single I would have most definitely made my move. But she's not single, and even though she wants to break up with her bf I don't want to be a rebound.

I'm just a bit frustrated really. I've been single for so long I've even started to mentally condition myself to get used to it instead of playing roulette trying to hit the jackpot (and not settling for anything less). For me at this stage, to even feel attracted to someone, that's a jackpot!

I'm just feeling very down, depressed, frustrated, have no hope left, and it doesn't help when people tell me I'm hot or when women hit on me because it seems to stop me from conditioning myself mentally for a single life because a subliminal message seems to be passed "you're not someone who's meant to be alone"

But I want to be alone because it hurts too much to hope and be disappointed year after year. I have friends, that's all I need right? Everytime I realise the fact that I'm never going to find anyone anymore my heart sinks and it hurts but I'm used to it and accepting the reality is what I have to do. But the world isn't making it easy for me.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 9/15/2011 7:12 PM (GMT -6)   
Just from a layman's perspective I think you are dealing with a few things here (in no particular order)

1. Fear of commitment.

2. Fear of being used like you have used women in the past.

3. Guilt...for using people and hurting them.

Between those things you are pushing women away before they can even start to get close to you most of the time and then anytime you happen to meet someone who manages to slide in past your shields you look for anything to justify pushing that person away.

I do not know you at all so I can not even start to know if you are the type of person who should be in a committed relationship or not, but I do think you are not going to be in any kind of non damaging relationship (even with yourself) unless, until you deal with these issues, and I honestly do not believe that you can on your own. I would start with a counselor specializing in relationships if at all possible or a general counselor at the very least. Be prepared that these issues, or whatever issues you really have, are not going to be resolved in one or two sessions but are going to take time and work.

Like I said I don't know you and I am not a counselor. This is just the impression I get from reading your post.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.

New Member

Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 9/15/2011 7:33 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks for the reply, though...

I don't fear commitment, I just seem to be find it hard to get the "loving feeling" so to speak for some reason. I've been committed in the past to my ex until we fell on hard times, we grew apart and that was the means to an end. I've learnt from the past but I can't find someone else, now I just want to find a way to fix it in my head that I'm going to be single for the rest of my life despite people making it hard for me to nail my decision in.

As for this lady who slided past my shields - she has a boyfriend! That's the only reason I'm not making a move. I'm still tempted daily to even go for it but I'll become a rebound and then her "new ex" and I are going to have some serious issues. Yes, I've used rebounds in the past, but it's not wise to become a rebound regardless yes?

I'm also tired of fighting and getting charged again for assault at my age - whoever wins - pays the damages. I also do have guilt over leading people on, but I don't make regrets for being a natural flirt. It's just who I am. I'm having difficulties finding a counsellor I like in my area too.
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