hello, my names John, I live in the midwest and attend a public college, i am 20 and have finally started to come to my sense and start to think I might need help out of this hole im in, I really could use i vent, I have problems trusting people in my life and i cannot talk to anyone about this. I live away from my original home and all of my friends. I left to go to college. I could use any advice on anything so here goes
I think i have been depressed for a few years now i just have been lying to myself and my friends and family, I am not sure when i began to feel like this, but i know it gets worse when i am in and out of relationships. My first problem was I use to pour all my soul into one girl I met in my childhood, we were always good friends and I went though many of her boyfriends and took care of her. I wound up falling in what I thought was love with her and she tore my heart out one to many times.
After I started giving up on myself and her I started drinking at the age of 14, I would drink many times a week with people who were in there 20s. I made some bad decisions the first night I partook in alcohol and that night I lost my virginity to a girl I hardly knew, I wound up dated her on that soul fact, for about three months, the relationship was a terrible one but she kept me positive and opened me to the world of drugs and alcohol, after three hazy months of binge drinking I found out she was cheating on me with an ex and we broke up. Severely alcoholic months later a met a girl by the name of Sadie, I dated her for 2 and a half years and was madly in love with her. we hit it off right away and when it came time for me to leave for college I made a commitment to her to do the long distance relationship. The relationship was fine when we were with each other, we lived 2 hours away so we saw each other every three weeks at least one of us would make the drive. But the weeks when didn’t make the drive we fought constantly, I do not enjoy texting all of the time, especially when I was trying to meet to new people and experience new things, this thus led into my excessive partying, I started to on the weekends at parties or with close friends. I never wanted to be alone when I was first settling into college, I would hate being alone and get sad. For two years of college all I did was drive to see her or drink and fight with her, so about three months ago We broke up and since then I began a spiral downward in my attitude. I have extreme problems explaining myself to people I love because I fear they will know too much about me I don’t like people in my head. Since the girl I poured my soul into in the childhood girl I have never let anyone else in and I really worry about what is going to happen now. I have extreme problems with day to day activates, I am having problems just taking care of myself it’s hard to eat and I don’t sleep a whole lot, and it is challenge just to walk into public I feel constant stress in little things I do daily. I just find everything wrong with so much, I have tried getting help though online resources for depression and anxiety and tried all of those tips like working out and fighting the urge to be isolated. I don’t know what else to do, I just could use some helpful advice anything I can do? Should I see a therapist at this point? i don’t want my parents to worry about me, my dad has been having problems in his life and he has developed a case of depression himself, he was recently diagnosed with Parkinson’s and always has had back problems, he is 60 years old and looks as if he is 80, he is on oxeycotton and oxycodone all the time. His sickness has effected everyone in my family right now, that is why I do not want to turn to them, I love them all very deeply even though we do not see eye to eye on many things, I just want to be strong again, I can’t keep this burden held up anymore, I hit lows all the time, I fear they might keep getting worse, the hardest thing to admit on here is that I can’t stop a nasty habit, it relieves my anxiety, and clears my head, I do many things like that daily to keep my head out of worse thoughts I have lied to people who see, I know I shouldn’t do it, but I just do. I current heavily now to self-medicate my depression and keep those urges away, I try with all my might to fight the urge to think about , I know I could never do it, but when I get in those moods I don’t know how much longer I can do anything, I always try and hide myself by always being with friends, but when it gets late into the night and all my roommates fall asleep im left crying in my bed for no good reason, I want it to stop I want to be happy again.
I had to edit your post as we aren't allowed to discuss suicide, self harm or illegal substances on this forum.
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 9/16/2011 8:17:32 AM (GMT-6)