Hi, I'm new. I'm an 18 year old girl, and I think I am in the beginning stages of depression, if not already depressed. I can't sleep lately- I just stay up all night and think and cry. I don't see the point in my life. I can't think of a time in my life I'ver ever felt happy. I know that sounds like a massive exaggeration, but I've thought it through and I do mean it. It's as if apathy is all I've known since I was young. I feel like life is passing me by so fast--I've wasted it so far. I appear as a nervous and awkward kind of person. I also have this horrible sort of obsession with self-analysis. But I can't stop it. I am probably too aware... I always try to make sure the way I'm talking is okay, make sure my walk and movements don't appear awkward, make sure I have not said anything that would be considered "socially incorrect." And it doesn't help that I have a mother who has been pointing out every flaw of mine since I was young. It hurts when it's coming from your mom, since mothers are supposed to nurture. The only kind of nurturing she has ever done for me is the physical kind--buying me food, which she only does because she has to. Not to say that I blame her for all my problems.
I don't know what to say. I think I was always working on myself and trying to change things that just couldn't be changed... and now I'm tired. I feel empty, worthless, incompetent, incapable, not talented, not attractive, lonely, and isolated. The only good thing about me is that I have a good heart. Everything else about me is just... wrong. What can I do? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.