yesterday i went to the library to work on my senior paper and to meet up with this guy i like . i told him ahead of time i had homework that i HAD to get done i got it done thankfully 1 hour passed and i was about
done we talked about
simple things in life he didnt bring "IT " up as we kept talking he gave me a hug and a kiss on the lips deep dowwn i was shocked because after i had told him i had herpes (over the phone) he said he needed a break from our relationship which is understandable. i had told him i was hungry and he suggested that i go to his house to eat because he didnt have any money to spare (hes 20 btw). i thought for like 5 min. if i should go to his house or head home me and my mom have a rocky relationshipthat we constantly trying to build UP . anyway he could tell that i wanted to go but i was very hessitant about
saying yes he commented and said you trynna be a grown woman and your scared of your mom my reaction is that is my mom and i am trying to have a better relationship w/ her because iam going to need her ( oct. 10 im getting a colonotmy colon removed). but it really upset me when he implied that i couldnt make chooices on my own so i said sure ill go to your house .while we waited for the bus he asked me why didnt i tell him earlier about
that thing . i told him it's hard to tell im still dealing with the reality of it myself. i felt my self getting teary eyed so i was like can we talk about
this later(we never did) he said sure at the house.then he gave me another hug and was like i wanna be with you i see you have potential and then he whispered in my ear i love you which was a really big deal because he wouldnt say it for the longest . so we took the city bus to his house long story short we ened up personaly i told him that i was changing to better my self and i wanted to be abstinent until i was mentaly ready to be in an intimate relationship with anyone(i have been sexually sober for 4 weeks) ....well he was high too and kept pressuring me to do it for the longest i said NO! i felt like i was incontrol and i was able have self control i was EXTREMLY proud of myself. i felt akward that we were tryig to get intimate because its like i just told him i had herepes and i felt like he might of needed more time to relize what i said . the longer he touched me the more i was falling for his trick i knew what was hapening but my mouth and body were doing to diffrent things . i kept telling him no lets not but by body wasnot acting that way. then i started to feel like i had NO SELF-CONTROL. we endedup having sex and right when we were done i got ready to go. he took the bus back with me halfway and the whole time we were silent he only said on thing which was YOU WANTED TO DO IT SO ITS NOT LIKE I FORCED YOU.
iknow thats all i said back i felt so stupid like how could i have allowed myself to do this again i had just been treated for 3 diffrent std in 1 doctor visit and im still doing. it was like the second worst felling i have had my body was numb i got that choked upfeeling in my throat that you feel right before you cry. i didnt cry though because he was next to me its not like i couldnt speak he knew deep down that i ddnt want sex but my actions werent showing it so what else was he suppose to do i guess . i felt helpless its like i deserved to be shot in the middle of my eyebrows point blank . i was literly disgusted with myself. i got home late at 8or9 o clock my mom was upset w/ me i lied and told her i was at a friends. the thing though is he told me he loved me he's still with me after that but we can never spend one day together without having sex. the only time we havenot had sex was the 1st time i meet him wich was 6 months ago.
Jackie, I had to edit your post for content. We aren't allowed to discuss illegal drugs on the forum. Thank you for understanding. Hugs, Karen
Post Edited By Moderator (getting by) : 9/20/2011 7:56:27 PM (GMT-6)