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theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20282
   Posted 9/23/2011 7:50 AM (GMT -6)   
oh well. mental illness and illnesses suck. have been since i was very young, mentally unwell that is. and i have my reasons of which i have worked through, but still come up from time to time. i don't know at the moment, people are the same with me, but you get that, we all do. time is a mongrel of a thing. memories are beautiful and heartbreaking, i have lost so many. i am far from perfect, but i am a compassionate man and see myself as a decent bloke to my friends and family. i look after every bugger, i am everyones darn therapist!!!! being a qualified counsellor don't help!!!!! no it is fine. everyone needs support, regardless of the situation / predicament.
 
this newish dx of rapid cycling bi-polar disorder is one doozy of a condition. it rattles you and affects you in so many ways, and it's effects are plain debilitating. the depression with crashing is brutal, and depression is something i know well. the thing with rapid cycling bi-polar disorder is you don't know what is coming next. it stuffs up relations big time. something i have found out. and this sucks big time. i love people and i am a people person, but because of this i am reclusive.
 
i challenge and work on all of my conditions, many have been psych, others haven't. but i have been through some personal hell due to something non psych related at that time; and from this i have been stuffed in the head since. i am not about to tell you my life story, i remember giving a very candid first post when i came here to my hw family. i guess i am just transfering some chaos and writing it down in a healthy way; for as i said in a post on bp, i feel like smashing myself. i am angry at the levels of impairment i have had over the journey and everything i have done to combat it. geez i have seen everyone and done most things. i just wish the world would cut me some slack. i know you guys are doing it tough and i thank you for your cointinued support.. and i hope i am there for you too.
 
we are all beautiful people. we all live with a depressive illness. as my mum says, this is you, but it is not you. i just don't beleive in myself at this time. by geez i am trying. my shrink calls me complex.......not jamie. lol. in there is me. the fun loving, happy people person whom enjoys others and life. i want to liberate him. he is getting deeper in the muck, and i am very worried that he will not be able to saved. i am tired, and tired from the day but from existance. it has been a life at a million miles an hour.
i don't know. and i am trying not to know. as people say i am getting too old for this ****!!!!!
 
luv you all. with much healing compassion to you all.
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 9/23/2011 7:57 AM (GMT -6)   
Wow Jamie,

That was a very insightful post about you. I understand the hell that you are going through, I hope I can be there to help. You have struggled for a long time. But always seem to get above it. Look for all your strengths. You can beat this. We will try to help you. I know that you are up late right now, I hope that you get some rest tonight. Keep trying, never give up or give in.

Know that we all care about you Jamie.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20282
   Posted 9/23/2011 8:08 AM (GMT -6)   
for karen. thx................ smurf smurf smurf smurf
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 9/23/2011 8:18 AM (GMT -6)   
Wow jamiee, I wish I could have you over to dinner!!! You are such a intelligent, compassionate guy, able to laugh at yourself (critical to survival)...you expressed some feelings that I have been unable to verbalize-the fun person inside, self-loathing etc.

Thank you for your candor and you are ALWAYS there for us(not sure how you and Karen do that-lol)

Take care
Maggie

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20282
   Posted 9/23/2011 8:42 AM (GMT -6)   
thank you maggie................with much healing compassion 2 you. going to bed. nearly midnight.
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

tmjpain
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 2024
   Posted 9/23/2011 9:37 AM (GMT -6)   
I hope you were able to get some sleep jamie. You are one courageous guy i tell you. Hang in there, one hour at a time.

Suzane

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 9/23/2011 9:39 AM (GMT -6)   
Good morning, Jamie, have a good night's rest last night?  (Wrong
question; I just read your update post after writing this!  Sorry about
the eye thing.)

I suppose we all have to keep chipping away at that overly strong
conscience we have that wants to take a whack at us now and then. One day we will free that little child within: the loving, open, playful, wonderful person that we are all meant to be.

Why we had to be born with so much room in our brains for that
strong conscience is something I don't yet understand, but I do know
that the moments when the little child within is in control of things,
the sunny side comes shining through.

Hope your day will be one of shining through.

I.G.

Post Edited (It's Genetic) : 9/23/2011 8:47:43 AM (GMT-6)


bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 9/23/2011 10:57 AM (GMT -6)   
You made me cry

Maggie

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 9/23/2011 11:20 AM (GMT -6)   
Oh, my gosh, Maggie, how did I do that?

I.G.

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 9/23/2011 11:55 AM (GMT -6)   
It's been a long time since I saw that little girl, the one with the scraped knees, sunburn and a case of the giggles, dancing on top of her daddy's shoes with the whole wonderful world laid out in front of her.

It's Genetic
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2010
Total Posts : 1540
   Posted 9/23/2011 12:06 PM (GMT -6)   
Beautiful, Maggie,

If we can just keep that image and know that the precious little one inside is protected so fully and cared for so genuinely by powers we
know very little about, enjoyment of that wonderful world may still
be possible in a mature way.

I.G.

Sweptaway
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 9/23/2011 12:56 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi Jamie,
Simple to write, almost impossible to implement -> don't be so hard on yourself. When I got my last really deep down period, I was surprised to see how many people around me suffers. It was an eye-opener. So you are never alone.
Be kind...to yourself.

/S

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20282
   Posted 9/23/2011 7:16 PM (GMT -6)   
thx sweptaway and you all. jamie.
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20282
   Posted Yesterday 12:36 AM (GMT -6)   
i wish i could remember my childhood. everything 13 years and down is blank. they all say it is for a reason and that this is keeping me safe. apparently it is too dark. one aspect i know of, i had treatment for this, but recently i have been triggred by it. even though not knowing is for survival i need to know. i am a man whom is hurting. my pain is expresionless. the void is where my bell tolls. is it time to enter the darkness?
 
-jamie
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

stillme
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 556
   Posted Yesterday 4:03 AM (GMT -6)   
Jamiee, your writing is so expressive. I am sorry you have to go through this. Because you are already in pain - and I know you want to know what happened- I want you to stay protected from those memories if they are going to cause you to hurt more.

The inner child reference in some of the posts struck a chord with me. Throughout this sad state I have had this vision or feeling. Inside I feel like a little child, crouching afraid in a corner. As each day would come that little child would shrink back further and further. I was losing me. I felt that I would continue to cower until I was no more. Now I am looking for that happy inner child.

Jamiee as always, praying for your healing.

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20282
   Posted Yesterday 4:08 AM (GMT -6)   
and i am praying for yours too. jamie.
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted Yesterday 4:22 AM (GMT -6)   
Hey jamie
I won't pretend to understand that darkness-I was blessed with a happy childhood, mine started going downhill when I was 13. I know the darkness is to protect you but sometimes the only way to get rid of the monsters is to turn on the light and chase them off...are you ready to face those monsters? I think I would ultimately want to know. Is there someone who can help you get there in a safe way?

Prayers for you to feel the light

Maggie

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20282
   Posted Yesterday 4:50 AM (GMT -6)   
yes maggie there is. time to face them. thank you for your kindness and understanding, jamie :-)
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted Yesterday 8:59 AM (GMT -6)   
Just an fyi,

There is a book called "Healing the Child within" It is a very good b ook if anybody needs.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted Yesterday 9:10 AM (GMT -6)   
just remember jamiee, anything you find in there is not your fault and hopefully will launch you into a betterplace. I say place, cause we all know you're a terrific person with or without your demons.

maggie

stillme
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 556
   Posted Yesterday 5:07 PM (GMT -6)   
I agree with Maggie. I know understanding leads to healing. Just want u to be safe. Glad you have someone that can help you. And you know I am always in your corner.

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20282
   Posted Yesterday 7:12 PM (GMT -6)   
thank you all. jamie
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20282
   Posted Today 7:48 AM (GMT -6)   
too much on my mind. have cleaned the house all day and most of the night. probably will keep going. i don't know at this time. need to have a deep and meaningful with myself, yeah i am very depressed and for many reasons. i know to well that others to are suffering, hence i am trying to be mindful. i don't know. i don't know. kind of sucks really. jamie
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20282
   Posted 9/26/2011 3:55 AM (GMT -6)   
today has been a long day. been to do bloods this morning, some minor shopping, went walking with my neighbours two dogs and mine, up to the chemist, to the post office next door-paid money on 2 bills, to keep the wolves at bay-so to speak. picked up some meds, gave the dog another walk, being that it was a nice day. seen the doc this afternoon, had a hypo in this rooms, so he said he needed an excuse for a cuppa!!! we are good mates. he comes down with two coffees and bickies, for me and himself and says for me to not tell his wife, she is a diabetes professor!!!!!!!!!!!!! so we had a good laugh. i asked about the inner child and healing it, he gave me some beautiful wisdom on it. i was rather taken back and touched at the same time. we also discussed about my podiatry appt and the letter he received. the damage to my feet was early in the diabetic cycle, and the neuropathy which is unsighted is due to the heavy smoking. thus the cane and the need for it. i had noticed that i have lost some weight. eight kilos in fact. i am elated. these are digital scales, so no going wrong. yippppeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it has been 30 days since i last smoked. my will i thought wasn't as strong, but it is. and with my weight and with my diabetes. sugar readings are pretty good in the main, some up and down but you get that. my shrinks letter was a tad arrogant, but that is fine, as my doc says we are lucky to have him, and we are, my doc said to me in confidence today that he had lost faith and confidence years before he came, and so had i. my psychiatrist is the best, but he hasn't quite got me yet. this will be addressed soon. so soon i rest. as we ausies, i am bushed. i thought i would share this with you guys. love to you all. jamie.
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42612
   Posted 9/26/2011 7:23 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you Jamie...

You write so interesting things. Thank you... NOt typing too well yet this morning.

Take care, and keep sharing with us.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies
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