Dealing with divorce that i do not wont!

New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

clueless!
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 9/23/2011 8:06 PM (GMT -6)   
about a month ago my wife told me that she doesn't want to be in this marriage any more. We have been married for 9 years in july and together 10 years. For about the last 9 months I could tell that something was wrong but when i asked her she would say that she was just stressed at work and everything was ok with us but no sex, no kissing, and when i told her that i loved her and made comments about how beautiful she looked she would tell me to stop. I have always done these things and it hurt me deaply. She now says that she only loves me as the father of her children and that there is no hope for us. I am in marriage counseling by my self. She will not consider even the thought of going with me and dosnt ever want to talk about it. She can not afford to move out of our house and has no plan for when she will move out. She says that i have done nothing wrong that she has changed and wants different things now. I have been told to not pressure her about this and to find a hobby and have my own life but it is hard to do anything without her since we have always done everything together. All advice is welcome!

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42430
   Posted 9/23/2011 8:34 PM (GMT -6)   
I know it is hard when you have to change your life and not be witht he one that you love. I am sorry that your wife has changed. I think that you have been given good advice to put yourself into something else at this time. It would take your mind off of things and give you a break. I understand that it is hard to go on when you are use to being with somebody all of the time. But you could still be friends. Try really hard to do that. Her feelings might change again some day. Not saying that they will, but it isn't impossible. As long as you can remain friends.

I hope that you can find something of interest that is productive that you can throw yourself into. Like I said, it would take your mind off of things and help you continue to keep on living your life.

I am sure that others will have some advice for you. It is late here so maybe in the morning. There are a few on at night though.

Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Sara14
Veteran Member


Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 4167
   Posted 9/23/2011 10:24 PM (GMT -6)   
I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can't imagine how hard that would be to deal with. I don't really have any advice but just wanted to say we're here for you if you need to vent/talk.
27 years old; diagnosed March 2007

Asacol, 6 tabs, 2xday; Rowasa every other night; Ortho Tri-Cyclen; Wellbutrin started 8/4

Jim1969
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 9/23/2011 10:26 PM (GMT -6)   
Having been through a divorce myself I can offer up this advice.

1. Do not use the kids as a weapon for any reason. Even if she does, do not do this. Don't talk bad about her at all. If you have some stuff to get off your chest tell it to your counselor but no one else because sooner or later if you talk bad about your wife to anyone else it will end up getting back to the kids and you will end up looking bad in their eyes. If the kids start to say bad things about their Mom put an end to it. You must take the high ground on this no matter what or else you risk damaging your relationship with your kids.

2. Go through an attorney. DO NOT go through the divorce on your own, and make sure every little detail is down on paper. Even if you think it will be a totally civil affair and you think you can trust your spouse to honor any verbal agreements protect yourself. You do not know who is "whispering" in her ear and what they are telling her.

3. Focus on your job and your kids and whatever it is you like to do in your free time. If you are not into anything then get involved in something be it a club, a hobby, an exercise program, whatever so long as it is constructive and healthy on an emotional level and a physical one.

4. Continue to seek support through counseling.

5. Your kids, unless they are infants, are going to go through a period where they think it is their fault in some way. Be sure to reassure them it is not and that they will always be loved by you and their Mom no matter what happens or who they live with.

6. Regardless of what the custody arrangements end up being make sure you are a quality part of their lives.

I must warn you about one thing. How you feel will likely get worse before it gets better. You may feel like you are coming to terms with things and when they papers are signed and the divorce is official you may very well feel like you have went back to step one in your emotional recovery, and you may feel like that again when you end up, assuming you do, living in separate households and one more time when you find out she is dating again. This is all normal so don't think you are not really a man or weak or anything like that.

In some ways men are like Vulcans from Star Trek. We have the same feelings as women, and sometimes are feelings are even more powerful than theirs. We just often do a better job at hiding them than women do.

One thing I can promise you is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You can and will get through this. You are not the first to go through this, or the first to be blindsided and sadly you will not be the last. Just take it day by day and know that each day you hold on is one day closer you will be to healing these wounds you have.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 9/24/2011 3:36 AM (GMT -6)   
I'm sorry for your troubles. I know what it means to live under the same roof with someone who used to love you aAND kids.

Can't help much but I'm getting therapy(without him) and finally signed up as a tutor for Adult Literacy(get out of that house) and of course, spend time with your kids.

Bonnie Raitt said" I can't make you love me if you don't, I can't make your heart feel something it won't" so you need to concentrate on keeping you healthy and sort of happy , especially for the kids

Take care. Let us know
Maggie

clueless!
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 9/24/2011 10:01 AM (GMT -6)   
I would never talk bad about her to anybody! I am just trying to figure the whole thing out. Her attitude towards the kids and me has changed dramatically. She dosnt want to be bothered by questions from the kids. I went to church on sunday for the first time in a long time and have started walking a couple of days a week. She started on birthcontrol pills in november to control some woman problems she was having. I have read the side affects of birth control pills and it says that moodiness,headaches(wich she has both) are some serious side effects and that you should see you doctor. She is 38 years old and she has hot flashes too. Do you think her acting different has anything to do with the pill or maybee pre menapause?

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 9/24/2011 10:14 AM (GMT -6)   
It may contribute, but I think men put far too much emphasis on the effects of periods and menopause. She is approaching 40 and alot of us start tore-evaluate where we are. How she could shut out the children indicates something really wrong. Moms just don't push kids away.
Ask the kids to come to church with you-there is much solace if you have faith. I hope things get better for you

Maggie

clueless!
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 9/24/2011 1:06 PM (GMT -6)   
I didnt meen to imply that she is mean all the time but it comes and goes. When she is nice she is nice but when she dosn't want bothered then we are better off being quiet. My son says that he is going to church with me on sunday and my daughter has a dance tonight so she probably will not be up for it. What are the chanves that she will turn back into the loving,fun,best friend i could ask for women that I married if I give her space and leave her alone. She says that there is no one else. I just dont get why she could not have told me 10 months ago when i noticed it. She says that she has known for a year but didnt want to hurt my feelings. I just dont get why she didnt say that our marriage was in trouble. Sometimes you have to smack a guy upside the head with the problem so they will listen. When i think back I know she did hint around abouy a few things but I didnt realize that she was asking me to do these things with her.

Jim1969
Veteran Member


Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 9/24/2011 1:26 PM (GMT -6)   
This could be due to any number of things, or a combination of them. Pretty much all the possibilities have been hit on. "Mid life crisis", hormonal changes due to either nature and/or the pills, and that she simply wants out of the marriage due to things that have been slowly eating at her for a long time.

No one here can possibly narrow it down for you because we do not know your wife and we are only getting one side of things. Also none of us are doctors and even if we were we could not offer you any kind of diagnosis.

The only thing at this point I could suggest is talking to her doctor. Due to privacy laws he may not be able to tell you about any specific issues with your wife, but they do not interfere with him/her listening to you and hopefully investigating things.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.

sore42long
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 235
   Posted 9/24/2011 7:54 PM (GMT -6)   
Dear clueless,It seems you have been given some great advice here expessially from Jim,so I agree with it all!Hope you can remain friends,I think when she is ready she will talk ,I guess she is confused about her feelings and can't talk about it at this time .Go to a lawyer and start things off ,try to be amicable! Till then spend time with the kids and stay out of her way ,do stuff for yourself ! Sorry your going thur this ! You will find people on this site very supportive ,when you need help ,please take care

stillme
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 556
   Posted 9/25/2011 6:10 AM (GMT -6)   
Clueless, sorry you have to go through this. Just wanted to offer my support.
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Monday, June 18, 2018 11:37 AM (GMT -6)
There are a total of 2,972,802 posts in 326,015 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 160857 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, Mom_of_many5.
445 Guest(s), 6 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
Balladeer, convertible68, Sara14, 1hopeful1, NotQuiteAntonio, BOB 46