Is it situational or something deeper?

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New Member

Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 9/24/2011 1:19 AM (GMT -6)   
 I have been battling this feeling for a long time.  I relate to the tv commercial about winding yourself up to start the day.  I live in a remote, rural area.  We moved from a large city because of finances.  My mother-in-law moved with us as she needs someone with her in case she falls.  This is not how I wanted to spend my retirement.  I am supposed to be doing the things I love.  I take care of the house, cleaning, laundry, cooking etc.  I also take care of the animals.  My husband works. Constantly.  He complains that there is no time for him to do what he wants yet he picks up open shifts when they are available.  When he is home he is too tired to do much of anything.  In my spare time I play computer games.  He hates this.  I think he is happy we moved because I am away from my family and friends, malls and the like.  I am isolated and alone most of the time with my 80+ year old mother-in-law.  She is unhappy being here but saw no alternative.  My husband constantly reminded her that her money would only last a few years in a nursing home.  I really want to feel good and happy but it is a constant battle.  I have ballooned up to over 200 pounds.  We don't have insurance yet and haven't for almost a year so seeing a counselor is out of the question right now.  I have asked my husband to go to counseling with me as our relationship is just a shell but he says it won't do any good.  I just need to be more physical with him and everything will be fine.  I'm in a hole and it just keeps getting deeper.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 9/24/2011 4:14 AM (GMT -6)   
Hi and welcome fellow insomniac!

You have an awful lot on your plate. An absent husband, both physically and emotionally, an old woman who seems to feel stuck just like you. And you are away from what I assume was a close family.

I can relate..myhubby and I were froced into early retirement by health issues, after we lost all in Katrina,he faced down terminalcancer and I had a bunch of medical isssues. We used our retirment funds to rebuild our home, cannot work because of my depression and chronic pain, hubby can't work either...we live on disability. We have to worry about money all the time and srill have a teenager. I feel like my life is a real letdown, this is not how we are supposed to spend "our golden years".

That having been said, there are lots of options. I live in rural area too so we are more limited. I have just volunteered to help with Adult Literacy, gets me out of house, helps me and others. Call your local Agency on Aging for activities for your mom in law, bingo, shopping, or there may be a senior center-she's probably depressed too. There should also be amental health center for low income or sliding scale. Call a hospital or counselor in area and they can help you locate it.

As far as yr hubby goes, you can't force him into counseling. Mine won't go, says he's "just fine" but get counseling for you. My hubby and I pretty much lead separate lives now, still care abouit each other but go our own way. Hope you can repair yours

There should be a free medical clinic also, you may want totry some anti-depressants for awhile.

I'm going back to bed...hang in there, there is help out there, we just have to go out and get won't come knocking at our door.

Take care

Elite Member

Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20227
   Posted 9/24/2011 7:37 AM (GMT -6)   
hi ldyblu, jamie here. welcome to the forum.

i agree with maggie about getting some counselling and support for just you. look to see what support services are in your area, as maggie has stated your local mental health clinic should be able to arrange for you to see somebody on a sliding fee. i am sending you much healing compassionate thoughts your way. keep strong we are here for you. jamie.



getting by
Forum Moderator

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42501
   Posted 9/24/2011 8:48 AM (GMT -6)   
If your mil did go to a nursing home, once the money ran out, the state would take over and pay. Just an fyi.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia

fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

New Member

Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 9/26/2011 9:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Wow! Thank you all for the support! I have visited other sites and was immediately jumped on for my part in the whole thing. Yes, I have to be accountable for some of this and I know that but it is so refreshing and wonderful to feel sympathy and empathy and some semblance of understanding.

Maggie... I am so sorry you were caught in Katrina. Love and light to you and yours. Yes, I agree that I need to get involved in some manor but I also know that I will be held responsible if my m-i-l would get hurt while I was gone. Without question she is depressed. She takes two kinds of depression medication but my hubby says that they are being used for pain.

Jamie....thank you for the strength. I have been to counseling off and on before. Unfortunately when its been through insurance you only get so many visits and then its done. Hubby just got a full time position so insurance is coming again soon and I will be sure to check out the benefits.

Karen....thanks for listening. Yes, we know that the state would take over the cost of her care but my husband absolutely refuses to put her in a home. He is a paramedic and knows the level of care is not the best. He means well and wants the best for her but has blinders on and ear plugs in when it comes to nursing homes. I try to talk to him about her but he thinks that she just needs time to adjust. He never asks how I'm doing and if I hinted that I was struggling he would not be pleasant to live with.

I have good days and bad days and going half mad days. I would quote that but don't know who to give props to. I know that I need something but am not sure just what it is. I wish he would be more sympathetic and empathetic but I don't think he knows how. He is a terrific when he is on duty but lousy when at home. I know I should stand up for myself more but I hate the confrontation. It just helps to have someone who understands to talk to.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2009
Total Posts : 2042
   Posted 9/26/2011 9:49 PM (GMT -6)   
Perhaps you should check into respite care for your MIL. If you can get her doctor to say she needs assistance/monitoring then it is possible medicare might pick up the bill for a CNA or equivalent to come in once or twice a week for a few hours to be with her so you can get out of the house and do what you need/want to do.

To find out more about it and what is available in your area contact a visiting nurse provider, contact the social services department of your local hospital or your local health department.
2 confirmed herniated lumbar discs. Spinal Arthritis. Spinal Stenosis, diabetic peripheral nueropathy.

New Member

Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 19
   Posted 9/26/2011 10:34 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Jim. There is a "retirement" home in town that has activities and my husband has said we will look into those. My m-i-l doesn't like us having to drive so far for her. She "doesn't want to be a burden" etc etc. Change is difficult for her. Almost impossible for her to deal with. She likes things to be "just so" and any deviation from that causes great distress. The only time my husband would entertain a CNA is if she became bed bound. She gets around the house and most outings with a walker and we do have a wheelchair for longer jaunts. As long as she is ambulatory I will be her main caretaker. My husband will have it no other way.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 9/27/2011 5:58 AM (GMT -6)   
Now, your'e using your noggin!!!! Some senior ctrs are basically day gcare...maybe 2-3 days a week and that gives you some time to your self.I feel like I always have 10 people tugging onmy pant legs all wanting something-aaaarrrrrgggggghhhh

That is when you go to quiet, do deep breathing, I usea 410 natural noise machine (warefalls, birds singing) stuff like that and then try some visualization. Go back to the safest memorry you have(ceddled with mom, my is my childhood lake ) There are lots of sites online for this stuff

And, I don'want to sound cruel, but hubby sounds like a bully. And you know what happens when you stand up to a bully? They back off. Start talking to mil, see if she's going nuts in the house..get her on yr side and then confront him.....THIS is YOUR life too and it's only onetime around on the ferris wheel

with compassion
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