Trying to pull myself out of the hell I created.

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ForTheWin
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 9/30/2011 3:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi I am new here, I guess I am looking for some positive feed back.
 
I am generally a very negative person a worry wart. I've been suffering from depression and anxiety for aslong as I can remember. I can't even drive on the highway because of my anxiety. I once upon a time didn't drive at all, so being abloe to drive and get around on back streets is a small accompishment for me.
 
I have been divorced twice and I 9 months ago I got out of a 13 month relationship. I now have 5 children my last coming from my last relationship.
I have no self esteem, no self confidence and no support system.
 
My exs are pathetic and hardly a help to me and my children. I was a homemaker for 11 yrs. I wasn't always like this. I use to keep a clean home spend plenty of time with my kids. All the stuff that would make me a good mother. I'm not that anymore.. I get so stressed out I somtimes say horrible things.. I don't spend time with my kids or clean up. I would rather just sleep. I don't sleep well at night somtimes can't fall asleep and when I do waking constantly. I know that this dosen't help with depression and stress. But nothing seems to work for my sleeping not even depression medication.
 
 I never have any energy and haven't for a long time. I somtimes just feel like life is to much for me to handle and there is nothing out there I want to do.
 
I have recently started working 42 hours a week, which I am proud of.
I have about 20 loads of laundry to do and I have been working on that for about 2 weeks now. It never seems to be getting any smaller although I am definetly putting in an effort. I am not sure how to approach this.
 
I feel like I should be proud of the 5 loads of laundry I got done and all the floors being done and the little things I do. But I can't because I feel like it is never enough. Unless I spend all day on it until it is spotless then play with my kids for the rest of the week I will never be good enough for my kids.
 
I live with my mother who has MS. She is all I have. No friends no siblings nothing. I find it hard making friends.. I am sick of meeting people who lie to you, steal from you and are just two faced.
 
I cry alot when I am alone and write in my journal. My depression is still better then it was a year ago when I first had the baby. My depression has been a huge conflict in my relationships. I wish I could find my place in life. Love myself, be proud of myself and be the good mother I should be.
 
Maybe I wasn't taught how to be... I could go through plenty of excuses. I just have no energy and feel sad more often then not. It always gets worse after having a child aswell.
 
My wish list.. Is to be a better mom realize I am a good person and stop putting myself down all the time (being to hard on myself). Beable to be more responsible. I am not loking for a relationship nor do I want one now. I want to work on myself and my life and maybe someday I will be ready for somthing like that. If not I am trying to be ok with being alone.
 
Sorry for the long post and thank you in advance to anyone who actually got through all of this.. shakehead
 

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42431
   Posted 9/30/2011 5:15 PM (GMT -6)   
You are doing all the right things. You just have to stop being so hard on yourself as you said. Only you can do that. But I think it would help if you had some direction from a therapist. They can help you a lot.

You have a lot going on. And I couldn't do one quarter of what you do. Probably couldn't do a tenth. I have learn to accept my limitations. I have fibromyalgia, and I have spent plenty of time feeling guilty for what I cannot do anymore. You have to learn to take one day at a time. Be proud of your accomplishments. And love who you are. We are all unique individuals.

I hope that you feel better soon.

Think about the therapy.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

ForTheWin
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2011
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 9/30/2011 6:31 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you Karen,

I am in therapy and have been for about a month now... I have done evrything from pills to counselors and now therapy.. I am doing the best I can.. I guess I am hoping that eventually I will get this house cleaned up things organized and my kids on schedules.. I am far from on any kind of schedule. That and my internet addiction dosen't help if I don't feel like doing anything I have friends to talk to here. The only adult stimulation I have (sad I know).. I do a little bit everyday but it never seems enough, and everything latley makes me feel worthless.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42431
   Posted 9/30/2011 7:47 PM (GMT -6)   
You have to give yourself a break. Think of all that you do... It is a lot. Raising one child is a lot, let alone five. You said it yourself... "I am doing the best I can."
That is all we should expect of ourselves. The best that we can do. I am on the computer a lot too. So I know how you feel. You know that there is stuff to do, but I know if I wasn't on the computer, I would probably be laying in bed. So at least I am up and doing something. And I always see the things that I didn't get done, instead of the things I did. So you aren't the only one that is hard on yourself. I am guessing that most of us are like that. Cut yourself some slack. Talk to the therapist about how you feel. I know that they can help you to see your accomplishments.

Know that you are a good mother and person.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20186
   Posted 10/1/2011 5:22 AM (GMT -6)   
take it one day at a time. sending you much healing compassion, jamie.
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.
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