New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
[ << Previous Thread | Next Thread >> ]

livingatdaedge
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 10/3/2011 7:32 PM (GMT -6)   
Why didn't my dad hit my mom in the stomach while I was in there instead of the mouth? At least then I wouldn't be this mistake of a person I am feel like I am.

Today it would have been nice to get a nap but its been so bad that nothing can erase these thoughts from my mind. All because of an arguement with bf. Because I couldn't stop crying. Because his apology couldn't erase the things he said. Because a few hugs and kisses couldn't take away this pain. Because being depressed is not as important as other problems even if its affecting this pregnancy.

I can't make it stop so I just want to stop but thats wrong of me. Wrong to the child inside me. Just wrong all together but what can I do? At this point nothing I've been doing this afternoon could make it stop. I can't sleep. I managed to eat but didn't finish the food. I spent sometime loving on DD. I don't know what else to do. I feel hated because I can't make it stop. I can't hold the tears in now that bf has left to watch a different show in the living room. I'm just tired of him blaming me for ruining his day because I wake with it. It's not like it goes aways and its not like I can turn it off. Just because he can turn his negative feelings off for me doesn't mean he should throw it in my face while still staying he knows I can't. He says he knows I don't do it on purpose but why is it still my fault.

I can't cry around him although nothing could stop me today. I don't just chose to want to think about it for hours on end. All I ever want is to be normal and not severely depressed. Why is that so hard to understand? I can understand our financial/car problems or the fact that he's stressed over people being unreliable. But it doesn't matter anymore cause I can't make it stop even know while trying to vent it out.


I'm afraid to go to sleep tonight.. for fear of what awaits me in my dreams. I just can't take anymore. I feel worthless except to carry this child to term. I honestly am running out of ways to dodge my problem and the cowards way out is not an option while I still have some from of sane mind. I long for it though to just all stop or let me sleep til medicine/science/religion can take this pain away from me.


I've been saying this all day. To him. To others. To myself. To my two babies. I'm sorry.

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 10/4/2011 6:54 AM (GMT -6)   
Honey-

I just read your post...PLEASE call a helpline right away!!!! I have been there. PLEASE!!

Then call your doctor and tell them that you are desperate, that you don't wnat to keep going and they can help you...alot of these intense feelings are coming from intense hormones..and these feelings are real, it is not something that you can turn on and off. We understand that here.

I see you posted last night. What is going on this am...please answer and please make that call, it pulled me from the ledge.

Maggie

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42431
   Posted 10/4/2011 7:48 AM (GMT -6)   
It is time to reach out for help. Not suffer in silence. Get to a therapist, call somebody. You are suffering unnecessarily. You cvould be feeling better. So get help please.

Hugs, Karen

PS I hope that you are feeling better today.
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

stillme
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 556
   Posted 10/4/2011 8:17 AM (GMT -6)   
I agree. I was there. I called the crisis line and that helped. Then I came to this forum which continues to help. Finally was able to see a dr and am on med and counseling.

You can't do it alone. I'm glad you came here, that is a step but try to see someone. When I am feeling very low and often through flowing tears I come to this forum because the people here are understanding and supportive. You can do the same thing.

livingatdaedge
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 10/4/2011 12:26 PM (GMT -6)   
right now I'm just sitting here still crying. I've failed to communicate that its my fault for not fixing again. I've thought to try to call my counselor but I've been beaten down in words of how much of a failure am I to my own doing that I can't even dial. I don't know what I would say. I don't what to be locked up for what I think. I do want it to get better or stop but I'm scared. I've hit rock bottom and my body is in a lot pain right now from the stress, lack of food, and the depression itself.

I know what I should be doing and I know what my depression would rather me do. I feel like I just can't win. All I can say is that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for being so weak and I didn't mean to cause anymore harm than I already have. I just want it to stop but even now my body would rather live and so would my mind. It's telling me to keep living even if parts of it doesn't agree. My boyfriend has tried several times to cheer me up but also tell me what I've done wrong or what I'm still doing wrong. I don't know how to fix this if I can't even muster up the courage to make a simple call.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42431
   Posted 10/4/2011 1:18 PM (GMT -6)   
I think you can make that call and I think that you should. This doesn't make you weak, you are strong by asking for help. Write down on a piece of paper all the things that you are and have been going through. Call the counselor and read off everything that you have written. Don't be afraid to tell them what you are feeling, this is the only way that they can help you and they aren't going to lock you up. I know that fear. I have been through it. They will be able to help you. You may just need to talk to somebody or you may need a medication adjustment or to strat meds if you aren't already on some. Give yourself a break, quit beating yourself up over something that you can't help. Life is short, you deserve to feel good and be happy. But only you can take the steps to help yourself. Know that we are all here for you.

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

stillme
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 556
   Posted 10/4/2011 4:27 PM (GMT -6)   
When I called, initially I could hardly get any words out. I was crying, I mean boo hooing. At tht point I didn't care what the other person thought, as a matter of fact I was ready to go somewhere for help but didn't know where to go. I spoke to two people and ended up calming down.

It is very important to be honest with the dr or counselor. I told them everything, things I have hidden most of my life. Its the only way they can fully help us.

For me the depression has its own voice. It says things that I would never say. It suggests things that I would never do. But that voice is so loud sometimes its hard to hear past it. That means we need help so that it can't thrive. Seek counseling, friends, forums, drs anything that provides another voice for you to listen too. It helps.

Then the medicine - it helps me hear my own voice and think clearer and more rationally than without. Before my mind was racing, my voice - the depressed voice - oh my goodness - I could hardly take it. Keep reaching out, I am here and totally understand

livingatdaedge
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 11
   Posted 10/4/2011 8:22 PM (GMT -6)   
I didn't make any calls today. But I have made a way to get to one of my doctors who can prescribe a safe medicine for my depression. I'll have to wait til Monday because I don't have the funds to go like tomorrow. My bf was able to break me away from my depressive state this afternoon. I was shutting down because of lack of food when he came and comforted me plus offered food. By then the depression was too weak to make a difference over the rational part of my mind. I still ended up crying in/on my food cause I felt bad for pulling bf down with me even if I never mean to but from there I was able to suck it up and carry on with the day.

I'm feeling better mind wise but my body is still in some pain. I don't know how tomorrow will I just know I will be alone without him since he has to work so if I have to call I hope to god I can do it. My daughter will need me to be on the stable side tomorrow and throughout the week. I really am just wanting to make to Monday. If I have to live on that alone until it comes I'll do that cause there's no missing this appointment because its for the health of me and my unborn baby. I'm renting a car just to get there so there's nothing but time in my way. I just have to battle through this until then.

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 10/5/2011 4:41 PM (GMT -6)   
You sound stronger and thinking more clearly. You keep those priorities up front in your mind. My daughter is sometimes the only thing that gets me up, but once I'm up, I feel better than lying in bed.

Let us know how it goes. We will be here

Maggie
New Topic Post Reply Printable Version
Forum Information
Currently it is Tuesday, June 19, 2018 1:00 AM (GMT -6)
There are a total of 2,973,125 posts in 326,082 threads.
View Active Threads


Who's Online
This forum has 160914 registered members. Please welcome our newest member, shaneshane.
255 Guest(s), 3 Registered Member(s) are currently online.  Details
Dahlias, Spring, onceitfreeze66