Posted 10/9/2011 1:59 PM (GMT -7)
I know I write in a lot, but I don't know where else to go. I don't have anyone to talk to. I can't call my parents right now, because I'm too emotional. Here's the lowdown:
I'm really depressed. So depressed that I'm having trouble feeding myself. I don't not eat, I just eat really poorly and now none of my clothes fit. I have very few possessions, so my apartment doesn't really get dirty and doesn't require cleaning all too often. I am again unemployed*, and I just sit in bed and cry. I don't know where to start describing my latest dilemma. It's a real doozy. I moved 3,000 miles away from home 9 months ago without a place to live and without a job. I've had a couple jobs, but they haven't worked out (I got fired from the first one and just quit the second one on Wednesday). The only reason I got the apartment I live in now is because I had a job when I applied. Anyway, I haven't been eating right, I developed horrible acne, and I got really fat. Despite all this, I have a loving boyfriend. Sort of. He lives in the next town, and I only see him on weekends. Is that a boyfriend? It seems really childish. We talk nights on the phone, but it's getting tense. He wants to move back closer to his home. He's applied for a job there and will find out at the end of the month whether or not he got it. If he gets it, he'll leave in the next few months. If he didn't get it, he'll stay. I feel like what it comes down to is that I wouldn't want to stay if he didn't live here. My week is spent sitting in bed applying to jobs. On Fridays I clean up and buy food so it looks like I'm functional. He comes over and we watch movies and hang out. Then he leaves and I'm left feeling really lonely. Sundays especially I go into this really deep depression. I have family in the city I live in, but I haven't called them. They tell my mom that they're worried about me, but I don't pick up the phone to call them. I really only associate with the boy.
Obviously this is really messed up and not healthy. I would go home with my tail between my legs if it wasn't for him being here. My cousin is getting married here in three weeks, so my parents are coming out. They were under the impression that part of them being here would be to help me move back home. Literally. As in live in their house again because I have no money. I really love the boy and I don't want to leave him even though I get the sense he'll have no qualms leaving me for his new job if he gets it. What do I do? I can't make this decision. Will I really be happy if I spend a couple more months here pretending I'm looking for a job? If I leave, will he ever talk to me again? I don't want to break up with him but I don't see how a 3,000 mile separation will help anything. Eventually we'll be within a couple hundred miles of each other, but that could be months away. What if he doesn't get the job back east and stays here for another year? Could I muster a few more months and then leave, knowing that we could always get together in the future? I really like him, I don't know what to do. If he got the job back east, I would go with him in a heartbeat but I know he wouldn't ask. He would just break up with me probably.
I took a Lorazepam because I was having a legit panic attack and I still feel like dirt. This is the worst day ever.