Posted 10/10/2011 8:50 PM (GMT -7)
Hi everybody. I'm 16 years old, and I'm a girl.
Lately, I've been feeling horrible about myself. I think I may have depression? Or it may just be some teenage angst, I'm not sure.
Back in 7th grade, I developed a really weird obsession of keeping myself and my surroundings clean. I liked having that feeling of control. Everybody thought of me as a neat freak; it escalated to teh point where I would have mini panic attacks over a slight stain on my bedcovers or I would start sobbing over a slight rip in my clothing. I also started obsessing over everything I ate. I counted calories. I ate somewhere around 700-800 calories a day. It still felt like too much though, but if i ate any less I would start blacking out during swim practice (I was and still am a competitive swimmer). Somewhere along the line I felt that this was just..slightly abnormal, so I forced myself of of that "neat freak" mindset. I forced myself to lose "control" of everything, and I guess I sort of reverted to normal? My parents think its a bad thing though, they always yell at me about how I've "changed" and how I've "lowered my standards" because I loosened my grip on my grades a bit, letting them slip around 1-2%, which now i realize isn't that much at all, and my grades are still considerably high (A+'s, one or two A-'s)
So you know, as puberty goes, I gained around 20 pounds from 7th grade to now, 10th grade. I really didn't care. Now I am around 119 pounds at 5'4''. My parents have started badgering me about how I've gotten fat, and how I've let myself go.
So, last summer, I started losing weight again. 600 calories max. I lost 7-8 pounds before I totally lost it and binged and gained it all back.
Recently, I've been hating myself more and more. I know I am the cause of many of my family's problems. I feel like I just hurt everybody I come in contact with. It's been a few months since my last dieting episode, but now, instead of depriving myself of food to become skinnier...I do it because I feel like I don't deserve food. I stopped sleeping as much becuase I feel it's a form of self-punishment. Because I feel like I don't deserve sleep.
My grades have been dropping. My teachers label me as the bad student now..I used to be a model student.
I don't know, I just feel numb all the time. Somehow though, I can keep smiling when I'm around my friends and all that, but when I'm home I just don't feel anything.
I really just feel like a waste of space. I feel like my parents waste too much effort on me. I feel like I'm wasting all of their hard work and money and time. They ahve really high hopes for me, but I know I can never fulfill them. I think I'm worthless...I really feel like I don't deserve my parents, who've given so much for my and my sister to succeed in life.
I've never been "diagnosed" or whatever. I know whatever is wrong with me isn't "bad enough" to be diagnosed, I just think that I'm a weak person.
Also, my friends really don't take what I say seriously. I go to them for help...but really all they do is brush it off and take it as somethin that i'll get over. But honestly, it's been a very long time, and I just need some feedback, maybe from some people who don't see my smiling face every day.
But all the same, what do you guys think? I think I may need some help..but at the same time, I feel like I don't deserve it. Do I have depression? OCD? Advice please? I really don't know what to do anymore. I can't stand this ridiculous lonely, numb feeling.
I don't think that I'm depressed though. I think most of this is just teenage angst..somethign that everybody deals with? I haven't cut or anything. Even if there is something wrong with me...I don't think I deserve help either.
Sorry for the long-winded story about myself, I tried to keep it short. So is there something wrong wit hme? I really don't' know anymore...