Hi. I need some help, please?

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thekangaroo
New Member


Date Joined Oct 2011
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 10/10/2011 9:50 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi everybody. I'm 16 years old, and I'm a girl.
Lately, I've been feeling horrible about myself. I think I may have depression? Or it may just be some teenage angst, I'm not sure.

Background info:
Back in 7th grade, I developed a really weird obsession of keeping myself and my surroundings clean. I liked having that feeling of control. Everybody thought of me as a neat freak; it escalated to teh point where I would have mini panic attacks over a slight stain on my bedcovers or I would start sobbing over a slight rip in my clothing. I also started obsessing over everything I ate. I counted calories. I ate somewhere around 700-800 calories a day. It still felt like too much though, but if i ate any less I would start blacking out during swim practice (I was and still am a competitive swimmer). Somewhere along the line I felt that this was just..slightly abnormal, so I forced myself of of that "neat freak" mindset. I forced myself to lose "control" of everything, and I guess I sort of reverted to normal? My parents think its a bad thing though, they always yell at me about how I've "changed" and how I've "lowered my standards" because I loosened my grip on my grades a bit, letting them slip around 1-2%, which now i realize isn't that much at all, and my grades are still considerably high (A+'s, one or two A-'s)
So you know, as puberty goes, I gained around 20 pounds from 7th grade to now, 10th grade. I really didn't care. Now I am around 119 pounds at 5'4''. My parents have started badgering me about how I've gotten fat, and how I've let myself go.
So, last summer, I started losing weight again. 600 calories max. I lost 7-8 pounds before I totally lost it and binged and gained it all back.
Recently, I've been hating myself more and more. I know I am the cause of many of my family's problems. I feel like I just hurt everybody I come in contact with. It's been a few months since my last dieting episode, but now, instead of depriving myself of food to become skinnier...I do it because I feel like I don't deserve food. I stopped sleeping as much becuase I feel it's a form of self-punishment. Because I feel like I don't deserve sleep.
My grades have been dropping. My teachers label me as the bad student now..I used to be a model student.
I don't know, I just feel numb all the time. Somehow though, I can keep smiling when I'm around my friends and all that, but when I'm home I just don't feel anything.

I really just feel like a waste of space. I feel like my parents waste too much effort on me. I feel like I'm wasting all of their hard work and money and time. They ahve really high hopes for me, but I know I can never fulfill them. I think I'm worthless...I really feel like I don't deserve my parents, who've given so much for my and my sister to succeed in life.

I've never been "diagnosed" or whatever. I know whatever is wrong with me isn't "bad enough" to be diagnosed, I just think that I'm a weak person.

Also, my friends really don't take what I say seriously. I go to them for help...but really all they do is brush it off and take it as somethin that i'll get over. But honestly, it's been a very long time, and I just need some feedback, maybe from some people who don't see my smiling face every day.

But all the same, what do you guys think? I think I may need some help..but at the same time, I feel like I don't deserve it. Do I have depression? OCD? Advice please? I really don't know what to do anymore. I can't stand this ridiculous lonely, numb feeling.
I don't think that I'm depressed though. I think most of this is just teenage angst..somethign that everybody deals with? I haven't cut or anything. Even if there is something wrong with me...I don't think I deserve help either.

Sorry for the long-winded story about myself, I tried to keep it short. So is there something wrong wit hme? I really don't' know anymore...

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 10/11/2011 5:33 AM (GMT -6)   
My dear Kangaroo

Worthlessness ia hallmark of depression. You sound very depressed and you are totally deserving!! I wish my daughter got all A's and believe me, I was fat in high school and youa re not fat. It sounds like you are a binge eater with depression and some "manic" phases, like Junebug said

I know you love your parents love you but they are being verbally abusive. Are they immigrants? They seem to seek perfection and the culmination of all their hard work in their kids. That is not what children are, though. Children are a precious gift from God and you are perfect in God's eyes.

Please talk to someon soon. There is so much help and medication...you deserve some happiness...you can't change yr parents but maybe find some new friends...

Keep us posted-we are here to listen

Maggie

stillme
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 556
   Posted 10/11/2011 6:16 AM (GMT -6)   
Kangaroo,

First off, you are deserving.

Second, I would try to seek out help.

Perhaps your parents don't realize that they are really pressuring you. Straight A's is outstanding - an A is an A - who cares about 1 or 2%. You are NOT fat - Part of that thinking is being a teenage girl - I am just about 5'3" - when I graduated from high school I could still fit clothes in the juniors section. I think I was about 110 pounds. I thought I was fat. When I look back at those pictures I see that I was not fat at all.

Keep us posted.

netball
Regular Member


Date Joined Apr 2011
Total Posts : 195
   Posted 10/11/2011 3:11 PM (GMT -6)   
Hey Kangaroo

I am only 13 years old and still have alot of life to live, but if there is one thing i have learnt in the last few weeks, its that EVERYBODY deserves to be happy. No one deserves to suffer, not alone they dont. Even you. You deserve to get help. You deserve to be heard. You have been placed on this earth for a reason, and you just need to find it.

Looks are not the only thing that matter in the world and like they say " looks are only skin deep." Dont beat yourself up about your weight, dont punish yourself. You deserve better. I hope you get the help you need and remember, you are not alone, and you DO deserve to be happy.

Jess.

stillme
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 556
   Posted 10/11/2011 7:05 PM (GMT -6)   
Well put Jess. You are absolutely right. Kangaroo, we are here for you.
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