I don't know how to do this anymore?

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bayoub2
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Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 10/13/2011 11:34 AM (GMT -6)   
My husband is unmedicated bipolar, my daughter is recently diagnosed with adhd and depression(15) and I have been plagued by major depression, ptsd, chronic pain fibro, sleep disorders blah blah blah...
 
I can't keep up this charade anymore, the loving happy mommy, the polite funny patient or customer, the pretty much functional housewife-these are all roles....my heart is not in it...I make all the right noises, faking it pretty good but I'm a fraud...all my positive regurgitation is an act, maybe I think if I say it, it will happen...but not to me
 
I know I'm making people sad and God is hurt too but I don't care anymore. I am not doing laundry or sweep or cook or scrub p*** off the toilets. Did God put me here for this? I know all about pulling yourself up(I've done it at least 12 times(battling drugs and alcohol) both of those sound good right now, too bad I don't have any.
 
My eyes are swollen shut from crying, makes me tired...I'm going to take a nap
 
Thanks
Maggie

getting by
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Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42430
   Posted 10/13/2011 12:08 PM (GMT -6)   
Aww Maggie,

I am sorry for how you are feeling. Sometimes it does us good to just take a day and do nothing. Maybe you need a day off. Or a few... There comes a time when we see ourselves doing the same thing day after day after day. But somebody has to do it so it might as well be us. To be totally honest with you, I am the worst housekeeper that there is. I let so much go and do nothing. Well I am doing things, but not the housework. So give yourself a break from that and maybe it will help you.

I think that we all put on a facade at one time or another. We keep going and smile and keep being our happy selves even when we don't feel that way. And that is very unselfish on our parts. Very mature and the way that it should be. But we need a break from that now and again too. Feeling this way isn't the end of the world, but it sure is hard. You just get to the point and say what is the use anymore. But I think a break from that would change things. You need to give yourself a pat on the back once and awhile and don't beat yourself up for feeling this way. You are a good and strong lady but there comes a time when we all need to step back and access the situation and see it for what it is. You will get through this, I know that you will. You are strong and persistant, and intelligent. But I think right now you are just plain tired. And I wouldn't have made it as far as you have I know.

Give yourself permission to just be for a little while. Take a mental vacation. I hope that this helps in some small way. I know how it feels when your mind gets worn out and you feel like you can't go on. But you will. One day at a time...

Hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 10/13/2011 12:25 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks Karen

I am sooo sooo tired, my familyexpects that happy mommy, and I listen to their worries, but noone ever wants to hear mine(familywise-u r too melodramamtic, get over it...tomorrow will not be different from today...

thanksfro the encouraging words

Maggie

PA_grandma
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Date Joined Nov 2010
Total Posts : 3667
   Posted 10/13/2011 12:51 PM (GMT -6)   
Maggie, I can't ... but I know the advice of these friends here can help you make it through.

I'll be thinking of you, and look forward to reading your delightfully descriptive messages again tomorrow.

J.

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 10/13/2011 1:03 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you Karen and Joyce-
My therapist wanted toput me in hosp that day last week and I told her no...maybe I'll thinkabout it, but hurts fam so bad....stop it!! They can survive you just fine.

Sooo tired

Maggie

manyembers
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 10/13/2011 1:35 PM (GMT -6)   
Maggie,

If others don't get it, you don't have to shoulder their expectations. Let them be. Take care of yourself. Moms have to be the strong ones in so many ways, but they also need a soft place to fall. ANd if you're not finding it with your family etc., then be your own 'mama' and find it for yourself. It is totally okay to take care of YOU!!!

I'm going to keep believing that things are going to get better for you. I know what it is like to feel like everywhere you look there's something hemming you in. That's how I felt: Homeless (living a hotel), husband = big jerk, can't work because of my health, no family to fall back on, no friends I could stay with, no $ for therapy...I felt like there was no way out even if I wanted it. But now I'm seeing glimmers of light that things could change. So let's both hold onto that ray of hope okay?

Keep posting. We all care about you. Things can get better!!! Don't hurt yourself with alcohol or drugs - you are worth way more than that. Sometimes when h is being a prick I am tempted to just turn to comfort food and stuff that I shouldn't eat (food sensitivities). Somtimes I give in. But really, I don't want to let someone else's dumb dumbness cause me to turn on myself. So I just keep getting back up. Take care of yourself. The beautiful, strong you is still in there!!! Love her. She's worth it. And the weakness and pain you feel - these are things that are making you a compassionate and understanding person for others, your daughter included. So hang in there. It IS worth it to keep fighting. You'll see. I believe that!

I know you're tired...I understand that too. Like Karen said, take a break from it all if you can. Just watch some happy movies on your computer. Or lie in bed and listen to some music. If you type "soaking music" online some sites will come up that have music you can stream that is very relaxing and healing for the soul. Maybe try that.

Who knows what tomorrow will bring. Sometimes God surprises us with unexpected blessings.

Love, embers

manyembers
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 10/13/2011 1:36 PM (GMT -6)   
Was wondering, when your h actually takes his meds. is he much better?

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 10/13/2011 2:03 PM (GMT -6)   
Much much better, I see the glimpse of who he was. He was walking out door and he said"am I really that different on meds ND i D SAID yes, youa re happier and he said you're right and left.

hate to say it, butn I feel better drinking rightn now, not later. Forgive me my sin, sometimes I get clearer when I can see it

I gotta go, nothing left to say

maggie

stillme
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 556
   Posted 10/13/2011 6:42 PM (GMT -6)   
Maggie I am sorry you feel like this. Wearing the happy face is quite difficult and very tiring. I agree that you should take a break. It's hard when you are the one that is holding it all together for everyone else. Here for you.

getting by
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 42430
   Posted 10/13/2011 6:50 PM (GMT -6)   
The alcohol will alter your mood, maybe make him more tolerable, but it doesn't take the problem away. I can understand your feelings. Just remember it can become a crutch and will make you even more depressed in the long run.
So please be careful. You know your limits I am sure. You are a big girl.

Just remember we are here for you. To try to make life easier for you. We all think the world of you and are so glad that you are here with us.  Let us help you feel better. 

I hope that you feel better soon.

Gentle hugs, Karen
Moderator-Depression and fibromyalgia


fibromyalgia, Chronic fatigue, depression, allergies

Post Edited (getting by) : 10/13/2011 10:22:11 PM (GMT-6)


theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20186
   Posted 10/13/2011 7:00 PM (GMT -6)   
with many healing and compassionate hugs to you maggie. jamie
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

manyembers
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 10/13/2011 9:55 PM (GMT -6)   
Sending safe hugs. You are a good person Maggie.

embers

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 10/14/2011 1:16 AM (GMT -6)   
Y'all gonna make me cry happy tears...it means so much to have friends that support me and see the good in me, even when I can't see it myself.

I had 3 gulps of brandy and 1/2 can beer-don' worry I won't drink again til Christmas party we host every year, and I have to stay sorta sober because I am the hostess

Thankfully I have little tolerance for alcohol, esp w/ meds, so after the brandy, I laid down and had a nap.

Thank you-I feel the love and concern coming off those posts and I am moved that I could get so close to "strangers" in so little time. Your friendship means everything, so please don't give up yet..
Check time stamp!! Altho I'm exhausted, no hangover and I read my posts and realiz that girl comes out once in awhile, where I just want to wallow in my misery and feel sorry for myself. Usually done in private, but that's why we're here, right? To help one another ...

My very heartfelt thanks, hope I didn't scare anyone...i am never considering suicide (ever) but sometimes I want to go black and forget everything. Anyone else?

Love to you, dear friends, thanks

Maggie

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 10/14/2011 1:22 AM (GMT -6)   
OH yes, I cranked up the tunes REALLY loud and dance in living room by myself-so good for the soul I listen to Rachmanioff, Tchaikovsky,Beethoven, Schubert (listen to AVE MARIA and tell me there is no God-ha) and the some JimiHendrix and Bonnie Raitt and the I banged on my keyboard-still trying to relearn. Had 15 yr classical training when I was young.

Anyone play an instrument? And name your favorite 5 songs.....see I 'm back to "Normal"self

Maggie

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20186
   Posted 10/14/2011 2:06 AM (GMT -6)   
well done maggie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! been playing the tunes to keep me up beat, well trying. even though i am sick i can't rest. rock on.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

too many favourites to mention maggie, i will try later. HAVE A GREAT DAY :-) JAMIE
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 10/14/2011 2:16 AM (GMT -6)   
What bands jamiee? I can't do top 5 songs either, depends on mood. Too bad you are still sick but up moving and groving!!!!!!

MY best
Maggie

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20186
   Posted 10/14/2011 2:23 AM (GMT -6)   
bands,

iron maiden, judas priest, saxon, metallica, pink floyd, black sabbath, ozzie, rainbow, dio, etc.

luv my guitarists too.

yngwie malmstein, joe satriani, steve vai, jimmi hendrix
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 10/14/2011 2:32 AM (GMT -6)   
OH you can really crank those up and your neighbors will love you-lol I am a little older so I'm more hippie taste

Eric Clapton (any band) jimi hendrix, Don henley (from Eagles), jeff beck and some black blues guy(don't know which one yet-so many good ones) sorry Bonnie Raitt, Janis Joplin

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20186
   Posted 10/14/2011 2:36 AM (GMT -6)   
cool. neighbour to the right, blasts hi music much louder than me, left is irene who is partially deaf, so she don't hear it.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! enjoy maggie. that's what it is all about!!!!!!!!!!!!!! luv, jamie
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 10/14/2011 3:30 AM (GMT -6)   
excellent- we have no neighbors at all after the hurricane so we can crank on a sat am when we clean-enjoy!! Music had to be a gift from God-It has "SAVED" me a few times....enjoy yrself too !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maggie

theHTreturns...
Elite Member


Date Joined Mar 2009
Total Posts : 20186
   Posted 10/14/2011 3:37 AM (GMT -6)   
COOL :-) JAMIE
EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

RAPID CYCLING BI-POLAR DISORDER

REMEMBER TO LOVE YOU. BE YOU AND BE TRUE.

tmjpain
Veteran Member


Date Joined Oct 2008
Total Posts : 2024
   Posted 10/14/2011 8:08 AM (GMT -6)   
You're doing great Maggie. Keep on keepin on. Glad the music is helping you.

Jamie you made me laugh, one neighbour deaf and one who plays the music louder than yourself. LOL

Suzane

bayoub2
Veteran Member


Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 2861
   Posted 10/14/2011 8:17 AM (GMT -6)   
when I was younger, I wanted to be a musical therapist-it is so healing, but real life got in the way.

Still music is still my rock, classical, blues rock....anything but hip-hop----sorry

Maggie

manyembers
Regular Member


Date Joined Dec 2006
Total Posts : 424
   Posted 10/14/2011 3:59 PM (GMT -6)   
Maggie...15 years of classical training? I was in university studying piano performance when I was in my 20's. I love classical music, though have next to none in recordings atm. Some day though I hope to get back to finding good recordings of some.

Music is a gift from God for sure. It has been a lifeline for me, and for many others. Yep!

Sounds like you got through that rough patch. Sometimes things just reach a head and we fall down for a bit, in a way it gives the psyche a break from the pressures we feel when we are facing them head on.

Glad today is better.

embers

stillme
Veteran Member


Date Joined Aug 2011
Total Posts : 556
   Posted 10/14/2011 4:14 PM (GMT -6)   
Music is good. I bought a new player last weekend, was so happy. Only to open it and find that the place for the am antenna was broken. Got kind of down, not that I needed any help because every weekend seems to be a downer for me. Oh well, going to take it back and get a different one this weekend, then I'm turning up the tunes. Can't wait.
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