I don't know why, but I remember reading in People magazine once that Nicole Kidman named her daughter Sunday because before she was married it was her least favorite day of the week, but when she got married it was the best. I have come to hate Sundays as a single for lots of reasons. My newest reason is because of my boyfriend. Let me preface this by saying I am yet again unemployed, and he has a steady job. He has gotten into the habit of coming over on Saturdays (mostly it's Saturday, sometimes it's Friday), staying the night and leaving early afternoon on Sunday. He lives in the next town over and works really hard, so I do enjoy the time I get to spend with him, but I feel badly because I spend all the time he's here complaining about
how I never get to see him. I usually go with him on the bus downtown where I see him off at another bus that takes him home. Even though I'm in public, I want to bawl my eyes out. I feel this panic and this rush of unbearable sadness. I know I'll see him again next week and that I'll talk to him on the phone during the week, but I spend the rest of Sunday crying. Today was especially dysfunctional. I rode the bus back and forth from one of the suburbs just so that I wouldn't have to go back to my house alone. I figured if I was in public I wouldn't "lose it". The one (sort of) redeeming part of today was that I went to the library. This may sound mundane, but for me, it was a big step. I hardly ever leave my house, and no book has been able to hold my attention for more than a few minutes in months. I went to the library and I borrowed "Prozac Nation" and "Depression: The Way Out of Your Prison". Riding the bus back and forth to the suburbs, I'm now 50 some pages into the latter, and crying my eyes out. I want to not be depressed anymore because it's so illogical! I have a man who cares about
me, why am I screwing it up by being so depressed all the time?! Anyway, I've started this book and it's eerily accurate. I want to exit 'the prison' (which, incidentally, is what I affectionately call my basement apartment), and am hoping this book shows me how. I guess my question ultimately comes down to finding autonomy. I don't want my life to revolve around a man, but he's the reason I do everything. Like they say in "As Good As It Gets": he makes me want to be a better (wo)man. Sorry this post is so all over the place, I'm just really sad today and don't really know why/how to fix it.